Some stuff I chose to mutter outloud…

Depression
As I look back on the past year or so, I think about how Depression ruled my life. Depression is an ugly thing that can create emotional and physical fatigue. After Mom died last July, things were all out of kilter. I hated myself for the way I felt the last few weeks she lived. Selfishly, I wanted her suffering to be over. I didn’t realize how much it hurt me to see her sick until those final days when all she could do was sit in the chair and sleep. Why do we take people in our lives for granted until we realize they soon won’t be with us.
I had started tracking my calories a couple years ago. I was surprised that I was able to drop from 348 pounds down to 275. I didn’t feel that great at 275 because my sugar hadn’t yet stabilized. It slowly would have, had I been able to stay at that weight. As the Depression took over my life, I lost the will to follow the simple steps of tracking what I ate. In the end, I gained a lot of the weight back. Why? Just not watching what I ate. The loss had been fairly easy. A couple pounds a week just by keeping track of what I was eating and matching that to the calories I should need. When you stop making that match of what you are putting in to what you actually need, you over eat without even thinking about it. Depression also makes you eat. Combine the lack of desire to bother with doing a couple minutes of tracking a meal and feeling like I’m hungry or eating because I was bored and there you have it.
This past month things have been improving in my life. I made a decision back in April that I would do some things that I have always wanted to do but had put off for one reason or another. Item #1: I went to Disney World and stayed on property. I went by myself, but that was ok. I planned out what I wanted to do in each of the parks and managed to do all of it and then some. Item #2: I have always wanted to by a street legal motorcycle and get my license. I began looking for a bike back in April as well. I knew that I wanted either a bike that sat fairly upright or a cruiser that had a sitting position my back would tolerate. I was a little disappointed because I could find bikes I liked, but they were hugely expensive.
Months passed and I still hadn’t found a bike. I finally decided to get my permit and take the riders safety course whether I had a bike or not. Around the same time, a friend stopped to talk to me at the racetrack. We talked about bikes and I mentioned wanting one and getting my permit. He told me he had 2 for sale. I knew these bikes he had. They were exactly what I was looking for. He had a 700 and an 1100. I was leaning towards the bigger bike, just because I’m a bigger person. We got together one evening and I checked out the bikes. The 700 was just a tad small for my long legs. We talked price and he gave me what I thought was a really good deal. Needless to say, I now own a Honda V65 Magna.
Part of the challenge of buying a used bike is getting it to way you want it. The bike started and ran well. It did have a few oil and gas leaks, but its 26 years old and had sat in the garage the last couple years. Nothing I hadn’t expected. I began to work on the bike, as I took the riding classes. Working on the bike provided me with a distraction that kept me from sitting on the couch, watching TV and munching snacks. Last night Bob, his wife and I took a nice ride. I still have a small oil leak to fix on the back side of the engine, but nothing that will stop me from riding.
Last Monday, I decided that I was going to start tracking my calories again. I went back to Livestrong.com and began to rebuild my profile. I have already lost 5 pounds. When you are depressed you don’t even realize you are eating 1500 or more calories than your body really needs. I killed off the extra helpings at dinner, the extra snacks at work and resumed eating decent lunches instead of the pizza buffet or McDonalds. Don’t get me wrong, I still love pizza, but now I eat it as a treat now and again instead of pigging out. I hope the motorcycle and other distractions that I’ve been playing with lately keep me on the upswing. It would be really nice to not feel like I have a black cloud draped over my insides all the time.
That’s all I have for now. If you feel depressed, find something to occupy your time. Maybe something you wanted to do but just hadn’t set your mind to.. . or maybe you didn’t think you could. You might surprise yourself.

• “Vacuuming too often will weaken the carpet fibers.” Say this with a serious face and shudder
  delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

• Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging
  rays from the sun. Call it an SF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

• Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a
  romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need
  dusting, simply say, “What? And spoil the mood?”

• Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it
  there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged
  children.

• If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door.
  As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously,
  fake a growl and say, “I’d love for you to see our den but Fluffy hates to be
  disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”

• If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place an urn on the coffee table and insist that,
  “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”

• Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of
  crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Johnny did this when he
  was two. I haven’t had the heart to clean it…”

• In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers
  next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby
  reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

• Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch
  ‘The Galapagos Islands’ and claim an ecological exemption.

• Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle.
  Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an
  exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean
  and I still don’t get anywhere…”

For some 7 or 8 years now, I have been living with bad disks in my back. Those of you who have this problem know that it can range from minor aching to debilitating pain.

I have always had a fairly high pain tolerence which in most cases has been a good thing. Not so much with my back though. I frequently find myself doing things that I probably should not due. These tasks don’t usually bother me while I’m doing them. A couple of days later, however, my body tells me it did not like what I did.

This past weekend was a great example. I worked at the race track on Saturday night. We had a couple of incidents that I responded to instinctively. I pay for that all this week. I couldn’t sleep at all Sunday night because my back and neck were spiking with pain.

Monday, the 4th of July, I set about getting ready to go over to the Party on the White House Lawn, a yearly gig that I help with. I took it extremely easy throughout the day because: 1) I was dead tired. 2) I was extremely sore and stiff. The day went fairly well. I helped with the firework show, loading launch tubes. As we were cleaning up, I knew my Tuesday was not going to be a good one. I reported off work.

Tuesday morning came with a loud groan as I tried to get out of bed. I laid around the house until a little after 6 pm when I ventured up to Dad’s for dinner. I wanted to work on the frame for my new screen door. There was no way that was going to happen.

Thursday night I finally got the frame in for the door. I slept extremely well through the night. I didn’t even want to get up because my back and neck were so comfortable the way I was laying in bed. Tonight I shoot for getting the door on and finished up.

Saturday brings the races once again. I am going to attempt to avoid the things that aggrevated me last week. It sucks to take almost a week to recover from the weekend just in time to get to… another weekend. I guess I’m just getting old. Oh well, Can’t stay in bed all the time. Wish me luck.

~Cappy

Last week I had the oppurtunity to take a weeks vacation. I had a great time at Disney World. I even had the oppurtunity to surprise a friend over the weekend on the way home.

This week has just about drained all that enjoyment out of me. Its amazing how location and environment can take you from one emotional level to another so quickly. This week has been such a drain that I almost feel sick to my stomach. I’m hoping that its more all the things I did last week catching up to me than it is depression at the things I’ve had to deal with since I got back home.

I look around as life zips by and see so many things falling through the cracks. Maybe I should liken it more to water being splashed out of a bucket as I go down life’s roads. I think we get so caught up in the pace of life that we totally forget what we were meant to do or be.

Maybe I’m just tired. I’ll see as the weekend approaches. Hopefully, I will get caught up and things will look brighter. I know that in the back of my mind there are memories of the events that took place almost a year ago. Those memories aren’t helping how I feel.

I’ll sit back with Tink again tonight and try to relax my brain. Life will continue on around me, of that I’m sure.

The Money Tree Bank

I am waiting for science to biologically engineer a Money Tree. Wouldn’t that be the greatest. A small tree that sits in a pot on the table which blooms 10′s, 20′s or 100′s. Blooming season would be about two weeks out of every month. I would be more than satisfied with even one week a month of 100′s.

There is this guy named Bill that seems to show up every month. He is a greedy son of a gun. He seems to like to drain our paychecks as quickly as we get them. I bet if we did have such a biological wonder as a money tree, Bill would find some way to steal the money right from the branches.

I laugh at these folks who have all these fancy, high paying jobs, yet have no clue how to manage their money. They end up broke living out of their cars.. If their cars aren’t repossesed. I’ve never wanted to be that rich. I have no desire to buy a multimillion dollar house and yacht. Just give me enough to pay the bills. Go on vacation once in a while and maybe buy a couple toys to play with. I’d be more than happy.

Vacation is coming up soon. I’ve been asked to go to North Carolina to partake in a birthday celebration. Unfortunately, I had already scheduled my vacation and Bill has seen fit to limit my funds to one trip this year. I hope the birthday girl has a great day.

Two years ago this past January 22nd, I adopted a medium haired Calico cat. She belonged to a friend of the gal I was dating at the time. They had tried and tried to give her away but were about ready to give up and take her to the shelter. I had been debating getting a cat, but didn’t want to go through the hassle of dealing with a kitten.

Shortly after getting Tink, she became extremely ill. She would hide all the time. The only way I could get her out was to use some ham or other morsel that she really liked. She wasn’t eating other than when I hand fed her. I took her to the vet. She had severe ear infections in both ears. The vet felt she had extreme social problems or health issue and I may not be able to keep her. Tests showed nothing more than worms and the ear infection. It has taken a while, but I now have a wonderful friend.

I had a cat back in high school, Missy. Missy was fairly smart, but Tink (short for Tinkerbell) is far more intelligent than most cats I’ve met. Either that or she has me trained really well. She knows what the basement is. Where her food goes and will gladly show you if you don’t put it in the right place. She has never been a lap cat and is not much for being held. Lately though, I have been able to pick her up and put her on my chest while I lay down. She will stay for a little bit without grumping. This has led to a new habit of walking up on my chest or my side while I’m sleeping. She will lay down and purr loudly.

I find it amazing how animals get into our lives. They start out as companions or critters to entertain us and move into the state of being like children. Tink greets me at the door every night. Jumps up to make sure I’m awake every morning when the alarm goes off. She even seems to know when I shouldn’t be sleeping and comes to check on me to make sure I’m ok. We have grown quite attached to each other.

This past year has been tough on me with losing Mom and the ATV crash. There have been many times where I have sat down on the couch or the edge of the bed and felt like breaking down. Tink comes over and rubs my legs and feet or jumps up and smooths against my back. I find her purr soothing. She will lay near by as if to say “I’m here. It will be ok.” I don’t know what I’d do without her little furball presence hanging around the house.

To think there was a time when I thought to myself “Do I really want a cat?” We’ve both benefited from our time together. I am so glad I didn’t say no when she was offered to me or didn’t listen to the vet when the vet thought she was too sick/unruley to keep. She is the child I never had.

I frequently have very vivid (aka life like) dreams. This morning, however, was a first. I think.

The dream started out on a rainy Saturday night, last night as a matter of fact. I was debating what to have for dinner. Should I have the regular Saturday night fare or something different? Something different, yes, I’ll go to the new pizza shop.

Something, I should probably tell you is where the ‘new’ pizza shop was. This is where things get a bit ‘odd’. The ‘new’ pizza shop was located in the US Post Office. It’s name “Postal Pizza”. It’s slogan “We deliver.” This shop is open after the normal mail service hours as they use the same counter and the ovens and other cooking gear is set in the mail sorting area, on wheels. They roll in and out to get them out of the way durning mail sorting. These have been installed in rural post offices as a means of making money to meet the Postal Budget. They also installed two box lit signs. A large sign advertising the Post Office and its functions. A smaller sign with the pizza shop logo and slogan on it.

I can see the Post Office out my back door. Yep, Postal Pizza it will be. The sign is lit so I stroll over. I walk in. There are several folks there picking up pizza. There is no smell of dough or pizza cooking. Several people are behind the counter. Some filling orders. Some chatting aimlessly. As the line goes down, I hear folks behind the counter talking about closing for the night.

I am the last one standing at the counter. No one seems to be paying any attention to the fact I’m there. They contine babbling. One person makes a comment about turning out the lobby lights. He reaches for the breaker and I watch as the sign and lobby lights go out. Hmmmm.

I wave at the folks behind the counter trying to get their attention. One lady waves back but no one comes over to say “I’m sorry we’re closing.” or anything. I finally say, “Excuse me, I’ve been here 5 minutes and no one has come to the counter.” No response. After a moment, I decide to shout just in case they can’t hear me.

This is where it gets odd. I wake myself up shoulting “Is anybody going to wait on me?!” I know I shouted it outloud in my sleep. Tink was sleeping at my feet. She immediately rushed up on my chest and gave me a look like “What is that all about?!” I don’t recall ever before shouting in my sleep. Hmm.

It has been awhile since I’ve entered anything here. Mom’s death left me drained both mentally and physically. It was hard enough to think what I needed to do from day to day, let alone figure out how to put my thoughts and feelings into words.

Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone since my last post. We had Thanksgiving at Aunt Doris and Uncle Bob’s. Mom was missed but Christmas was much more of a challenge for me. Christmas was Mom’s holiday. She was like a little kid. We made it through the day and the week that followed, but there was definately and sadness in my heart. I could have skipped Christmas all together but Mom would have struck Dad and I both down.

I had started a new relationship just before Christmas. Things seemed to be going ok. There were a lot of things that ended up getting in the way and we broke up with a nasty battle of words. That’s fine. I’m more comfortable by myself anyway. Tinkerbell and I enjoy each other’s company. Tink lets me know with a growl when she doesn’t agree with something I do. I don’t have to interpret hidden signals or double edged meanings. Maybe I’ll find someone special someday. Maybe I won’t. For now, I am content to deal with my life as it comes.

They set Mom’s stone about a week or so before Easter. I went to the cemetary by myself Easter morning. Tears fell as I thought about how Mom would be celebrating Easter in heaven this year at Jesus’ side. Doris called and asked what we wanted to do for Easter dinner. Dad and I decided that we would just go out to eat. No sense the bunch coming in from out of town and having to cook or drag it all in. It was a idea.

Yesterday was Mother’s day. I took some snips for the Lilac Tree in the back yard and put them on the grave. I’m glad she didn’t want buried back ‘in the old country’ as she called it. As I stood there, I realized what Mom meant one time long ago when she talked about going back to visit her Dad’s grave and feeling like he wasn’t there. While I know Mom’s body is there below that stone, I know her spirit rests with God. She is free from the Cancer that took her strength.

I hope to start a weekly update here, a journel of my silliness, as it were.

I’m not bragging that I’m the world’s best driver, but when it comes to watching some of these folks on the road lately… I’m pretty darn good. I learned early in my driving life that you can’t drive looking right in front of your vehicle. You watch a good way ahead of you so that you can catch changes in traffic and adjust before you are on top of them.

I get a good laugh at times as I drive home from work. Yesterday’s humor came from a guy in a little convertible Mazda sports car. This idiot, obviously never learned the above lesson.

Here is how things played out:

I was in the right lane. Up ahead, 2 tractor trailers were making their way up a long hill. I surmised that if I stayed in my lane, the truck in the right lane would clear the one in the left and I could hold my speed. My peripheral vision caught movement in my rear view mirror. Mr. Mazda was quickly gaining on me. He blew by me in the left lane. I knew he was going to have to switch lanes to clear the truck creeping up the hill in his lane. I am not sure whether Mr. Mazda assumed that the truck would drop back to the right lane or he was too busy talking on his cell phone to notice he was coming up fast on the truck. He was forced to jam on the brakes to keep from becoming part of the trailer. I let out a maniacal chuckle as I passed both he and the truck without so much as adjusting my cruise control. The truck driver decided to change back to the right lane just as Mr. Mazda swerved right to go around him. Last I saw of Mr. Mazda in my rear view mirror, his hands were waving in the air and making rather rudimentary gestures at the truck driver. I believe he was using some ancient form of sign language to demonstrate his I.Q.

The moral of this story is… Just because you have a fast car and are going fast, doesn’t mean you are going to get there before everyone else. Your inefficient skills and erratic driving are not only wasting fuel, but likely to get you held up by traffic, the police or worse… the coroner.

My emotions are spinning right now. Since Mom passed away, my stomach has been tied in knots and I haven’t been able to focus my thoughts on any one specific task. I did ok ‘til the other night as things settled down. Sadness started to creep in driven by a realization that Mom won’t be at the house when I go up anymore. Anger too crossed my mind. How many times had I done things that I know had disappointed her? Did I say “I love you” enough?
I have a gal in my life that I had hoped would become more than just a friend. We tried, but the closer we got the more we realized our differences. She and I had a long talk tonight. Tears ran down my face, as I sat in a dark parking lot out by the lake. Even though it didn’t work out as I had hoped and it never will. I value her friendship and the closeness we were able to achieve. I know I had her confused as we talked tonight. My brain has been going so many directions. I’m not sure I even can keep it straight.
For a long time, I’ve wondered if I’d ever get married and have kids. It’s been a hurtful subject to me because I’m it, the end of the line. Something the doctor mentioned when we took Mom to Hillman Cancer Center two weeks before she died really struck a nerve. The doctor said “If you have any special plans… anniversary parties, weddings…” He began to say plans to have children but then added something like “..well you can’t really make that go any faster.” My heart sank to the basement. Mom would never see her grandchildren, me getting married or any of that. Anger once again creeps in. Why have I not been more outgoing in my relationships or search for one? Why have I wasted my life? For what… to be alone? To fulfill my greatest fear that I will die at a young age like my uncle who shared my birthday and whom my middle name came from. I don’t want that but it seems more and more that through my own actions or lack thereof, I will die alone with this worthless feeling in my heart.
I battled depression hard when I lost my grandma (Mom’s mom). I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t ask for help. I shed tears and fought the anger and fatigue all on my own. I went through the same unsettled thought processes then. I tried to prepare myself for Mom’s passing. I knew that day would come because of her Cancer. I fortified myself with all the knowledge that the books say will help you get through rough times. I spent hours of sleepless nights staring off into the darkness convincing myself that because I knew the day would come, I could be strong and not go through these dark valleys again. Once again, my misguided self slams hard into a brick wall.
I have a friend staying with me for a while. He is, as Mom frequently would tell people, “My adopted brother”. I know he must think I’m upset with him right now. I feel like I’ve acted that way. I don’t mean to be. Little things that once would not be a problem for me tweak at my nerves. I probably would have been interested in the movie he had on tonight, but I felt like smashing the tv and yelling at him instead. I didn’t. I chose to go for a drive instead. I don’t want to be angry with anyone. I hope they all understand that I’m having a hard time with things right now. I apologize.
I don’t know why I feel most comfortable when I’m alone. I always have. Right now, alone is the last place I need to be. It strikes up too many thoughts of things I’ve put aside or missed out on in my life.. I look at friends and see them struggle to pay bills the bills because they’ve got a family to feed. How many times these past several weeks I’d have gladly been in the financial hole to have a wife and kids to come home to instead of the lonely thoughts trapped inside my head that keep me awake at night.

Thank you to all those across the internet and in my life who have stood by me through these past few weeks. I cherish you all. Forgive me if I’m out of sorts, get angry or I ramble. Time will mend my shattered mind. Until then, don’t be surprised to see more of these letters. It’s one of the ways I deal with what is eating at me inside. Many times I write them and destroy them without letting anyone see them. Those letters are usually the angry ones. Sometimes I just don’t know any other way of saying what is on my heart. Thanks again for being there.

~Curtis