There was a time not long ago when that headline would have read “Depression… The New Normal.”   While depression is still a part of my life, I have been trying to work to be a happier, more positive person.  I have many more good days than bad now.  The problem is… The bad days are worse.

I find myself facing daily frustrations.  I’m trying to accept that bad days happen and you just need to work around them.  It gets ugly some days.  I get the feeling that I’m the cause… like I’m somehow unconciously doing something to trip myself up.  I have always had trouble processing compliments.  When these frustrations happen, I get even more unsure if someone is truly complimenting me or just blowing smoke to throw me off.

As a fan of Mythbusters, I have admired the outlook that Adam Savage has on learning because that’s how I feel I have learned.  He believes that having knowledge of different jobs and tools is much better than focusing on mastering just one thing.  I have done this my whole life.  I  learn the things I need to know to do something and leave the fluff behind.

I get complimented all the time on how ‘smart’ I am.  I don’t really believe that I am that much smarter than anyone else.  I do believe that when faced with challenges, I have chosen to absorb the information that I need to get the job done.  As such, I do what needs to be done to reach my goal.   A lot of times I feel like what makes me appear smart to others is simply that I choose to apply common sense in a day and age where most people don’t really understand the phrase “common sense”.

I get really… and I do mean really… frustrated when I see something that appears to be such an obvious solution sitting right in front of someone and they either choose to ignore it or are simply too blind to see it.  I was told once by someone I used to hold in high regard that I needed to bite my tongue when this happens.  Needless to say, that person then set me up for a fall and I lost respect for them.  Now, I choose when to bite my tongue and when to ‘have at it’ as it were.  Sometimes, people just need to have their eyes opened.  Several things are going on in my life right now that are just tearing at me.  I want to quit but I know that only hurts me and then there is no chance to change the outcome.  I need to “have at it”, but in the correct manner.

My frustation sometimes comes from lack of knowledge… either mine or someone elses.  In the case of it being my short-coming, I get a lift when I finally figure out what I was missing and can comit it to memory.  I have always enjoyed learning useful stuff… and sometimes not so useful stuff.  When it seems like its someone elses lack of knowledge, I get frustrated beyond sanity, especially when there is no attempt on the other person’s part to even try.  Most people are smarter than they think.  They just need to open their eyes, ears and brains and shut their mouths for a second.

I am usually a loner.  It wasn’t until recently that I began to understand why.  It has nothing to do with liking or not liking people.  I has to do with the comfort level I have with the way they handle their knowledge.  I don’t like being uncomfortable, especially when I can’t control what is going on.  I don’t feel like a control freak but there are sometimes I just want to say “Can’t you see what your are doing!?… It’s right there!!”  Rather than make myself into a pompous, arrogant ass, I just go my own way.

I hope the things that are really bugging me right now work out in the end.  I’ve been on the edge of ‘quitting’ for some time and I’m teatering.  I keep trying… hoping… that I will learn something I can add to my store of knowledge and in some way make these things successful.

I developed the motto “Don’t take it personal.  It is what it is.  Do what you can.  What you can’t control… You can’t control.”

Just my thoughts.

~Cappy