I waited a couple weeks to write this blog.  I had so many things roaming around in my brain after my vacation, that I felt I needed some time to for all the marbles to settle.  Things have settled and now the time has come to put it all into words.

*****

The last year of working at USIS has been Hell on me, mentally.  I tried not to complain much.  I held a lot back.  There was anger at all the things that happened that lead to the end.  My sugar was up.  No matter what we tried, it wouldn’t go down.  Either something was majorly wrong or the stress was really getting to me.

I was happy that I’d finally be forced to move on.  I had been searching for jobs over the past three years, but I just couldn’t find anything appealing.  Now, I would have to find something different.  The company treated those of us who stayed on well.  Things had worked out so that I would be able to take some time to screw my head back on straight.  That’s where this story begins.

I began thinking about how I would handle things when it all came to close.  I knew… roughly… when the end would come… late September.  The date would later get extended a week or so to give us another month of benefits.  The first thing was to take at least a week off.  This week would be, simply put, a “me” week.  I would do nothing except catch up with myself and do little chores that needed done.

Beyond that, I wanted to do something that involved travelling.  I had begun my planning a couple months before the end.  I began looking into different things to go see or do.  I chose, very early on, to include motorcycling in whatever I did.  I narrowed my choices down to three locations:  1) California – The coastal highways on a motorcycle and other locations, 2) Denver, Colorado – I loved that area when I travelled there for work.  The scenery was just so different than home, 3) The western end of the Appalachian Mountains – “The Tail of the Dragon” lies here.  Motorcyclists from all over the world come to ride this stretch of road.

I reviewed costs of hotels, motorcycle rental, attractions I wanted to see, and overall time I would spend.  I don’t have a trailer to haul my bike and I was going by myself, so renting a motorcycle was the most feasible option.  The decision was easy.  Fall leaves were coming on.  I’ve always enjoyed the mountains of North Carolina.  I’ve driven through them in a car or truck several times.  It also would be the cheapest option, as I could easily drive my truck down.

I began researching the best times to head down to the area I had in mind.  Fall leaf season began in early October in the high altitudes.  The leaf color progressed down to the valleys by the end of October, leaving the altitudes barren or severely darkened.  I also noted that traffic appeared to be heaviest around the last week of October.  I narrowed the choice down to October 11th to the 17th.  The leaves above 3000 feet would be changing.  The weather should still be fairly comfortable for riding.  Hopefully… traffic would be bearable.

Where to stay was next on my list.  This decision came fairly quickly.  I looked at places in Cherokee, Bryson City and Asheville, as well as, Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge.  I found a little place on Route 28 in a little town called Stecoah, North Carolina.  The Tuskegee Motel is a little Mom/Pop roadside motel from days of old.  It was centrally located to most of the places that I wanted to ride the motorcycle.  The things that were a little further away would be taken in by truck later in the week.  By this point, I had a pretty good idea of how the week would fall in line.

The motorcycle rental was next.  I knew I wanted to rent something that had some hardware for carrying extra clothing and my camera gear.  Most of the machines were similarly priced per day.  I had decided on a company called Smokey Mountain Motorcycle Rentals.  It was a smaller company but it was just up the road from the hotel.  When I called to reserve the bike I wanted, it was booked.  He offered me the Ducati Multistrada 1200s at a discounted price.  I agreed.  I also booked tickets for some of the events I had planned via the Internet so I wouldn’t have to worry about tickets when I got there.  I’m glad I did.

I left Sunday, the 11th.  The drive down was beautiful.  Lower West Virginia and most of the way through Virginia greeted me with beautiful leaf colors above 3500 feet.  My phone rang somewhere in Virginia.  It was the motorcycle rental company.  “Would it be possible to pick up the bike that night instead of Monday morning?” “Of course.”  I headed to the hotel.  Got the truck unloaded, then headed up to the shop.  One of my biggest fears came true as we worked on the rental agreement.  The bank froze my card.  I had tried to call them the week before so this wouldn’t happen.  I couldn’t get through due to a merger that was going on.  Fortunately, I had taken my emergency card.  It was dark by the time I left the shop and headed back to the hotel.  Now, I’m in an area that I don’t know the roads. Its getting foggy.  I haven’t had dinner.  The nearest food is 12 miles away in Robbinsville.  Off I went into the darkness in search of food.  I ate at McDonald’s that night… More on that later.

The next morning, I awoke to fog… something that would be present every morning but Tuesday.  The fog burnt off about 9 am.  I was ready to start my day.  I already had my gear loaded for a full day of riding.  I had coworkers that rode the area before.  I had taken their advice and had warmer gear and other things with me just incase.  I headed off to Robbinsville for breakfast… McDonalds again.  I got gas at the Shell Station attached to the McDonalds.  Every vehicle at the pumps had some form of camera mounted on it… My bike would as well, at some point.  Those folks were headed to the Tail of the Dragon.  I was headed to the Cherohala Skyway… a 40+ mile, scenic road over and along the ridges at altitudes, at times, above 5500 feet.

I had purchased a GoPro knock off camera.  It was cheap.  It worked.  Why pay $300 or more for a camera I may only use this vacation.  $55 was a good deal.  I hadn’t put the camera out on the mount that someone had already affixed to the bike windshield.  Today was to be a scenic ride.  I thought to myself, “Scenic ride… I’ll just take still pictures with my DSLR.”  I finished breakfast.  Gassed up the bike.  I ended up chatting with a group of motorcyclists from Europe who were in to see the sights and challenge the Dragon.  For all the nasty things you hear about bikers… I met some of the nicest folks while on this vacation…  All of them on two (or three) wheels.

I hopped on the bike and headed toward the sign just up the road pointing to the entrance to the Cherohala Skyway.  The first 3 corners caused me to turn around, go back to the intersection where there was a pull off, to put my camera on.  From this point on… The camera was always mounted while I was riding.

The ride was beautiful.  I quickly learned that GPS devices, whether in my phone or the one on the bike, were basically useless for much more than a reference.  The ride got extended by better than 60 miles because I misread the GPS during one of its tantrums.  I ended up much further west into Tennessee than I had planned.  It was a beautiful ride.  I ate that night at Lynn’s Diner in Robbinsville.  When I travel, I like to eat at Mom/Pop typed places or places I can’t eat back home.  The ride totaled just over 220 miles.  I was beat.

Rain had been in the forecast for Monday evening.  It hadn’t started raining yet when I finally drifted off to sleep around 11:30 pm.   Sometime around 2:30 in the morning, The storm kicked up.  There was a huge flash of light and an immediate boom.  Power went out.  This hotel is in the middle of nowhere.  I knew immediately that unless a backup generator kicked in, there would be no water until the power came back on.  I reached over and checked my computer.  I had left it running to get the video from the day up.  It was on battery.  I shut it down and drifted back to sleep.  In the morning, I found that my little camera and charger were dead.  My iPhone and computer seemed to be ok.  I could have lost them both.  I found out, as we were waiting for the power company to get the power back on, that the motel had lost several pieces of electronics.  One of the ladies in the end room claimed sparks flew out of her phone.

Tuesday’s plan was to ride The Tail of the Dragon.  I really wanted to record that but didn’t have a mount for my iPhone that would allow me to substitute it for the now fried GeekPro.  A quick search of the internet showed that Killboy.com’s store was an authorized GoPro Dealer.  They rent and sell cameras.  I decided that if I could get a basic GoPro at a decent price, I would buy it.  If not, I would at least rent for the day.  As I headed out on the bike, I was a bit disappointed that I wouldn’t have video of the trip… Especially after the ride the day before.

I ended up buying a Garmin Virb Elite at Killboy’s store.  It was less expensive than the GoPro and it did a WHOLE lot more.  It also used the GoPro style mounts I had brought to mount my GeekPro.  I recorded my first run with a card I grabbed out of my case.  It was a small card that already had stuff from another event on it.  I cringed as the camera shut down before I finished the run.  I did the south bound run back over the Dragon and stopped back at the Killboy shop.  I bought another 32gb card.  I could now record as much video as I wished with the cards I had back at the hotel.

I stayed close to the hotel on Tuesday.  The Dragon is only 15 or so miles north of my motel.  I also took in several of the TVA built dams that are in the area.  There are also a few waterfalls in the area.  Some are simple, small flows, down the mountain sides along the road.  Others are large, beautiful cascades.  It was a beautiful day of riding, even though, the odometer only clicked up 100 or so miles.

Wednesday, I planned to ride up to Clingman’s Dome.  It would take about 45 minutes to get there at normal speeds.  Traffic increased the closer I got to The Great Smoky Mountain’s National Park.  I hit major traffic as I headed back the road that leads to the dome.  Clingman’s dome is an observation tower on top of the mountains.  They say on a clear day you can see 200 miles.  I sat in traffic that started a good 3/4 mile before the parking area for the dome.  I found a spot to slip the bike into.  I had read that the trail up to the tower was a steep half mile walk.  It was paved but not level.  I had decided that I would only do what my back would tolerate.  After sitting in traffic on a motorcycle, I made up my mind that I would make the top, if it meant only moving up the path 100 feet at a time.  I made the top and took a bunch of pictures.  A guy came out of the woods.  He had hiked the Appalachian Trail the whole way from its northern most starting point.  He would end in Georgia.  His parents would meet him to hike the last 10 miles together.  The whole experience was much more interesting than I had suspected it to be.

I hadn’t eaten properly all day.  The exertion of climbing up and back down the hill had run me down.  Gatlinburg was only 15 miles down the other side of the mountain.  I had a lot of time before I would need to run back over to the Carolina side of the mountains.  I found a place to park the bike and a pretty good place to eat.  I munched down my Filet Mignon while sitting at a table along a little creek.  While I ate, it was suggested that I take in Cabes Cove.  I found it on the map.  It looked closer to my base of operations but in fact it is on the Gatlinburg side of the mountains.  I ended up power walking the bike around about 12 miles of the scenic loop.  Ugh!  By the time I got out of there, It was dark.  My hands and shoulders were aching profusely.

I needed fuel before I crossed back over the mountains.  I decided to head back to Gatlinburg to fuel up.  A bear ran out onto the road in front of me and then turned back.  That did me in.  I got gas and found myself a cheap hotel.  They way I felt and the number of LARGE critters that could cross the road in the darkness meant it was unsafe for me to attempt to get back to Tuskegee that night.  My body was out of whack from not eating properly and the exertion of Clingman’s Dome.  I ordered a pizza for dinner at 10:30.  I ate half before going to bed.  The other half would be breakfast.  I didn’t have my pills with me.  The dangers of riding back, far outweighed missing my pills for a day.  I slept fairly well.

Thursday, I got up early.  I ate my pizza, loaded up the bike, and headed off to climb up and over the mountains.  I stopped at the Tennessee/North Carolina boarder to take pictures.  For the second time in 3 days, I was riding above the clouds (see cover picture of this blog).  I had passed the Road to Nowhere on the way up on Wednesday.  I turned off to see what it was all about.  I enjoyed the ride.  It lived up to its name.  I ate at a local diner in Bryson City.  I headed back to the hotel.  I needed to prep the bike to return it Friday morning.

The bike was turned in Friday morning.  I would be back in my truck for the rest of my journey.  Friday afternoon brought a train ride on the Great Smoky Mountain Railroad.  I spent some time in their museum and gift shop.  It has several model train layouts, as well as, a large number of antique trains.  We got back from the train ride about 5:30.  I had planned to eat at the same diner I had eaten on Thursday.  The only problem… North Carolina rolls up its streets at 5 pm… if not earlier.  Here stands a train load of people… and very few places to eat are still open in town.

I walked down the main drag.  I passed an Italian Bistro.  The aroma coming from this place instantly confirmed that this is real home cooked Italian food.  I entered and put my name on the substantial waiting list.  Another train had since arrived.  This little place was packed to the gills.  People were waiting on the sidewalk just to put their name on the waiting list.  I got seated fairly quickly.  The Italian owner paced the floor, yelling in Italian.  The hostess cringed but continued her duties.  I ate quickly and tipped the waitress a healthy tip.  She was busting her butt.  I got high quality service in that crazy packed little place.  I couldn’t get that kind of service around home in a place that was empty.  She must have mentioned my tip to the owner.  He came over and shook my hand as I prepared to leave.  I thanked him for the delicious meal and prompt service.  I went back to my hotel.

Saturday, I took in Biltmore House and Grounds.  Interesting place… Expensive… but interesting.  I ate at the Stable Restaurant.  Yes… It used to be the stable for the mansion.  I did a wine tasting, which was included in the cost.  I have never liked wine.  This tasting was no different…  Yuck.  I saw several deer as I was leaving.

I got a call on the way back that I was supposed to change rooms that day.  This had been discussed when I made my reservation.  When I checked in, they said no it had been worked out.  No big deal.  They just didn’t want me to walk in on some other guests in my old room.  They had moved all my stuff.  They didn’t just move it.  They placed it in the new room EXACTLY like it was in the original room.  They must have taken a picture of how I had things.  That’s how close it was.

All in all, it was a great vacation.  I did just about everything I had planned.  The things that I missed were either optional things or things that were low on my list.  I would have to say this trip may have outranked my last Disney World Vacation.  I don’t know if it will be yearly, but this vacation will be revisited.

I’ve rambled enough for this one.

~Cappy

Well… Here we are at a day that literally makes me half sick.  July 26th.  I received the call from Dad around 7:30 am, that Mom had slipped off in her sleep.  His actual words were “She’s gone..”  I rushed out the door and up to their house.  Mom was peacefully still in Dad’s chair.  I don’t know how long it had been from the time he found her to the time he called me.  I’ve always assumed he didn’t call me right away… That he took a little time to come to terms with it.

I won’t forget that call or the ambulance crew and police officers who were very kind even though there were questions that had to be asked and tasks that needed to be performed.  I remember clearly as they stepped aside to give us a few final moments with her after they put her on the gurney in the living room.  The Pastor showed up within minutes of her being taken out of the house.  I have always assumed that Smith’s Funeral Home contacted him as soon as they heard.

Left to Right: Me, Mom, Grandpa, Grandma At Greenfield Village now part of The Henry Ford (museum)

I think I held it together as I made phone calls to let people know.  I’m not sure.  There are periods of the next few days that are very clear… Others are a blur.  Picking out the casket, the cemetery lot and a few other things that concerned me, as Mom and Dad never talked about what they wanted… even though we knew Mom’s outcome was inevitable.  It all fell in place.  I remember bits and pieces of the Calling Hours.  Seeing my coworkers in the line… something I didn’t expect.  Judy Miller… A family friend who’d we’d known since I was fairly young.  A few other folks vaguely come to mind.  I was glad Ron came home.  It wasn’t the best situation but had he not been there, I would have had way too much time to think.  I have had more than enough time since then to dwell.

I fought with depression and anger.  Was there something I could have done had I continued to go to the appointments with her?  A question I could have asked? Something in those last days to make her more comfortable?  I felt like such a terrible son.  There came a point where I prayed that God would take her home… Take her suffering away.  It was hard to look at her in that chair over the last 3 weeks of her life… Living, but barely alive.  I still have times where I feel bad that I even thought that way.  It was so hard.  I felt so helpless… even guilty that I hadn’t helped Dad enough.  I got to go home at night.  He had to be there all day and night.  There wasn’t much that could be done… or was there.

Left to Right: Grandma, Me, Dad, Mom

I still have days where my heart aches and I miss her so much.  I’m glad that I was invited to spend the day, Saturday, riding with the gang.  It took my mind off things until I got home.  Its terribly difficult for me to go to the cemetery.  I don’t go as often as I should.  Sometimes, I think Dad goes up too often.  I won’t say anything to him because they spent 43+ years together.  It has to be hard for him.  He rarely says much about it other than telling me he planted some flowers or someone weed whacked the flowers we put up there.

I don’t think I’ll be doing much today (Sunday, July 26th.)  I may run up to the cemetery and pay my respects.  I may hide in bed, closed off from the outside world.  It will just depend how I feel.  I wasn’t really sleepy.  These things were on my mind as I get ready to sleep after a long day.  I know I’ve said them before (at least 4 or 5 times now) but no matter how hard I try to fill the hole that she left, I know I won’t… Nor do I really want to.

I keep our memories that we made.  The good and the bad.

Mom. This was taken on one of her last trips with Dad. This was during her battle with Breast Cancer. She kept going until her body wouldn’t let her go anymore.

I love you Mom.

~Curtis

… Yet it was.

A couple months ago, Pentatonix announced they would be touring this summer with Kelly Clarkson.  I had missed the closest stop on their “On My Way Home” Tour.  I really wanted to catch this stop.  It was much closer.  I didn’t think it was going to happen.

Some of you may know that my job was on the line as of July 15th, due to circumstances beyond my control.  I put off most expenses but I did buy of few toys here and there after I paid off my truck.  I debated about spending the money to go to the Piece by Piece Tour featuring Kelly Clarkson with Special Guests Pentatonix.  I looked up the prices for tickets and decided that it wasn’t worth it to spend the money, especially with the concert happening just four days after D-Day at work.

Truth be told, the 15th wasn’t the only date on my mind.  The month or so on either side of July 26th get rough since Mom died.  I went on medication for a while, but I didn’t like the side affects I was having.  In time, I found other ways to cope.  This year has been especially trying with work and all.  I actually wasn’t sure I even felt up to going to a concert.  I thought if I went with people… even good friends… I would probably ruin their experience with my mood.  I continued to pass on buying tickets.

Clear up until a week ago this Saturday, I was certain I wasn’t going to go.  Sunday(last), after riding 160 miles the day before, I went to start the motorcycle.  The starter whirled but never caught.  After a couple tries, the bike successfully fired.  There was a tremendous rattling coming from the clutch cover.  Something major must have broken.  Now, Any lingering thoughts I had of the concert happening were completely… without a doubt… trashed.  Did I break something major?  How much is this going to cost?  “Crap!” (Ok.. maybe that wasn’t the word I chose.)

A few weeks ago, it became very apparent that someone was going to have to stick around at work.  A few select people were chosen.  I had another job I was interviewing for, as well.  I was asked to stay on.  I figured I would just resign if the other job came through.  It still hasn’t.  My brain began to rile in turmoil as the month wore on.  Between work and thinking about Mom’s last days, I haven’t been in a great mood.  I’ve tried to act normal or at least play nice.  Its been tough.  Add the motorcycle breaking and I was just about ready to come unglued.

Thursday night, I pulled the clutch cover off the bike to see what had broken.  To my astonishment, the only thing wrong was that the starter clutch screws had come loose.  The sound was one of the screws dragging on the clutch cover as it spun.  I sighed a huge sigh of relief.  I sat on the shed floor and broke down in tears.  I had felt beaten as I got the tools together to take the cover off.  My week had been terrible.  My back hurt different… and worse… than it ever has before.  I was sure I would find some major breakage when I pulled that cover.

Those loose bolts were the brightest spot I’ve had in several months.  The fix might cost me $20.  The bike still isn’t back together.  I had to order the clutch cover gasket (one of the joys of an older bike… certain things aren’t in stock.)  The gasket is a minor thing.  Just need to wait for it to come in.  This little glimmer of hope in my week sparked my brain.  “Damn it!  I buying tickets for that concert and I’m buying the best seats I can get!”, I told myself, as I looked up the prices again on the internet.  “I’ve been down long enough… I’m doing something for ME!”

I went to work Friday morning not sure if it was anxiety, depression or if I was getting sick.  I fought through the day.  A couple things happened that really torqued my chain.  Things that simple follow through that certain folks should have done before the left the company would have satisfied..  I came home tired, angry, depressed, in pain and just plain ready to give up.  Maybe it was a bad idea getting those tickets.

I slept all evening Friday, waking only a couple times when my phone went off.  I slept late Saturday.  It was hot and muggy and I still felt off.  I took the time to grill some dinner.  I did little else.  I felt better before going to bed Saturday night.  I planned to sleep in Sunday to rest my back as much as possible before the concert Sunday night.

Sunday came.  I got up feeling ok.  I grilled a bacon cheese stake for dinner then moped around a couple hours before getting ready to leave for the concert.  Rain was in the forecast.  A Thunderstorm Watch went into effect just after I pulled into the concert site.  Had I made a bad choice?  The thought had rumbled through my head most of the drive down.

I sat in the truck and ate a couple Sheetz MTO Italian subs that I bought before leaving.  I paid for VIP parking right near the gate.  I figured I wouldn’t get in line until I had to, since the rain was moving in.  The rain held off until I had found my seat.  I walked over to the West Side Souvenir Stand to see what was being sold.  I bought a t-shirt just so I had something to show myself, that I was there.  I went back to my seat… This is where my night started to change.

I thought I was going to be seated 4 rows from the PIT, an area reserved for moshing/dancing near the stage.  I was slightly amused to find that there was no PIT because of the stage configuration.  A heart shaped stage jutted out into the audience from the center of the main stage.  My seat was 4 feet from the edge of the stage.

Then the rain began!  Ushers moved people inward towards the center of the stage to keep people dry.  The rain was coming in in huge drops from the West.  Lightning struck near the pavilion.  Management decided they had enough open seats to bring the lawn seating under the roof.  Problem was, they didn’t organize it.  Now, people were bickering over seats.  Finally, an announcement was made to have certain rows/sections move out of their seats so that people could sit where they paid to sit. (Lawn seats were cheaper. Naturally folks that paid more wanted those folks out of their seats.)

The show started with an opening act I’d never heard of.  She was good.  The second act was also very talented.  Up to that point, however, folks had pretty much stayed seated.  There was applause but it was obvious that these weren’t the folks people paid to see.  When Pentatonix’ backdrop banner was raised, The crowd cheered.  The audience again exploded when Avi, Kirstie, Scott, Mitch and Kevin (Pentatonix, PTX for short) starting singing.  It was a great set.  These five folks have amazing talent and they put it all out there.

Kelly Clarkson took the stage to a similar roar of the crowd.  I’m not sure, but I think Pentatonix had her beat by just a smidgen.  Her set was also great.  She had a visitor on stage… a frog/toad.  She attempted to shoo it off the stage, but it resisted.  She issued a warning to the critter “I’m not a small girl so this may not end well.”  Kelly has a very witty sense of humor.  She broke the driving 1st and 2nd half with a couple slow tunes to just piano accompaniment.  The first song dealt with her abusive father and how her husband had taken the place for her daughter than Kelly never had with her father.

The second song was a song the audience sang to.  During the chorus, while the audience was singing, a bug of some sort landed on her chest and went down her dress.  Kelly took advantage of a quick dimness of the lighting to pull the invader out of her chest area… Naturally, the lights came up, just as her hand was retrieving the critter and flinging it away.  She made light of it.  She also made light of a later wardrobe malfunction that kept her from getting back out to sing with her backup signers.  The backup group took over the task and did fantastic.  Had Kelly not mention the wardrobe malfunction and the fact that she was ‘supposed’ to be on stage, no one would have known.

During Kelly’s set, maybe halfway through, I heard a familiar voice just over my right shoulder.  Scott Hoying of Pentatonix was standing about 4 feet behind me on the other side of the rail.  I told him “Great Show!” He thanked me and shook my hand.  A few songs later, PTX joined Kelly on stage.  The crowd erupted in joy.  As Kelly did her 3 or 4 remaining tunes (including the one the backup signers had to take over), I heard more familiar voices.  I glanced over at the stairs… Pentatonix was walking down the steps.  They stood right next to me for the rest of the evening.  I spoke quickly to Avi’s sister, asking if a video she had taken of the group carrying on to Kelly Clarkson was going to make it to Twitter.  She thought it would.  I haven’t seen it, but if it pops up… I’ll retweet it.

Naturally, security didn’t want people to take their pictures.  It becomes disruptive when they focus of a large group of audience suddenly turns away from the act on stage.  I understand completely.  There were people sitting in the VIP section that paid an extra $$150 on top of their ticket to get to see PTX up close.  I just bought what I thought was going to be a normal decent seat.

I walked back to the truck after it was all over feeling alive and rejuvenated.  My brain was replaying the different acts over and over in my head.  I had gone only with seeing Pentatonix in concert.  To me, Kelly Clarkson was going to be the bonus act.  All 4 acts put on outstanding shows, including a kid from the Pittsburgh area that Kelly picked out of a group of submissions before the tour arrived in Pittsburgh.  Wonderful night!!

I got back to the truck figuring I would just sit and reminisce about the way the evening played out.  The car next to me had left something on when they went into the show.  The security folks were trying to find them jumper cables.  I carry a set with me.  I usually will only use them for friends.  I was in a good mood.  I grabbed the cables and got their car running again.  Everyone was happy.

I drove home with a smile on my face.   I know its late as I type this, but I have no desire to sleep.  I’d like this day to continue… not because I was star struck to get close to one of the groups I enjoy… not because I witnessed a really cool evening of music… I’m still awake, simply because, I had no plans to have a good time tonight.  I figured the rain would ruin it… My mood would ruin it… something would happen.  Well something did happen… I had a great night!

~Cappy

Sunset over Homecoming 2014

I don’t usually go to our High School’s football games.  I’m not much of a football fan.  I went to all of them when I was in school from the time I started Marching Band until I graduated.  Tonight, was Homecoming.  A large contingent of Alumni from the Big Red Marching Band were gathering to salute Don White, the current Band Director.  He is retiring after this year.  I was invited to march or ride on an Alumni Band float.  My recent illness forced me to decline.  I just don’t have the stamina to get through that.  I volunteered to video the events of the evening, starting with the parade.

I took the video of both the regular Big Red Marching Band and the Alumni Band.  I then packed up the camera and headed for the football field.  Dad’s house boarders the school so its not a terribly long walk.  It was, however, the longest walk I’ve done while carrying a chair, camera bag and tripod.  By the time I climbed the ladder (more steep stairs really) to the top of the press box, I was whooped.  I set the camera up and then took a seat in my chair until the festivities started.

After recording the band’s portion of the Pre-Game and Halftime events, I climbed back down and went over to join the Alumni at the Bandstand.  I took a bit more video and some photos.  I hung around taking in how many folks I recognized and how many I didn’t.  The game finished up and the Band marched out of the stadium.  I didn’t march but tried to keep up.  By the time we got to the gate, I was starting to fall behind.  My strength had ebbed.  I felt it.  Rick was there.  He took his video camera and tripod.  We walked back to his vehicle at a normal walking pace.  When we stopped, I was done.  I leaned against my chair trying to scrounge some energy for my aching legs.

Rick dropped me off at Dad’s house.  I had left my truck there because of the ongoing parade at the time I had to head for the football field.  That was actually ok.  I don’t know where I would have parked anyway.  I stopped on the way home and got a snack at Circle K.  I hit the house and fed Tink then plopped down in my chair in the Living Room.  I sat there for a bit as I uploaded pictures to Facebook.  My legs were aching tremendously.  They weren’t rubbery feeling though like they had been at other times when I’ve tried to do things.

I was beat.  Surely, tonight I would fall asleep quickly.  I took a shower to help my back and legs relax.  This is something I usually do.  It helped.  I didn’t take my allergy meds, as those are the most likely to keep me up… IF its a medication that is causing me to not fall asleep until 5 AM.  As you can see by the time this is posted, that didn’t help.  I’m still awake at 3:30 AM.  I don’t know what is causing this, but I have to figure it out if I am going to make it through work next week.

I really enjoyed the evening.  I’m glad I went to the game.  There is an Alumni Band Picnic and Retirement gig for Mr. White tomorrow.  I hadn’t planned on going.  I might… That is if my body will move in the morning…  Oh wait!  It is already morning.  All in All, I feel pretty decent right now (save for the not sleeping thing).  We’ll see what daylight brings.

Good night.

~Cappy

What a fun couple of weeks this has been.  You should sense a bit… no alot… of sarcasm there.

We all busted butt to pull off, what I feel, was a successfull West Middlesex Sesquecentennial Celebration over the weekend of the 14th – 17th.  I thought the turn out was great and people seemed to enjoy it.  We receivewd a lot of good comments.  I had figured that my back would give out on me at some point, hopefully after we were done.  It didn’t, but I was extremely tired.

Tuesday, the 19th, took me back to work.  I had hoped that since my job is mainly desk work, I would be able to catch up to myself.  Things were crazy at the office.  The longer the week went… The more tired I became.   Friday night, I came home and crashed.  I noticed a bit of pain in my groin.  It looked like a fatty cyst was forming.  I get them now and again.  Usually, they aren’t pain full.  I disregarded it as most of the time they go away on their own.

Saturday, I went up town to get groceries and such.  I thought about going to see Expendables III.  I ran out of energy.  I decided I would come home and catch a nap before the movie started at 3:45.  As I laid on the bed,  I realized that my face was hot and my body cold.  I checked my temperature.  It was 100.4.  I chalked it up to being run down and finished my nap.  I then went to the movie.

Sunday, I thought I would go on a motorcycle ride.  I got up feeling terrible.  I stayed home and slept the whole day.  Monday was much of the same.  Around 2 AM, I got up with a fever of 102.  I almost called Dad to take me to the hospital.  I decided to wait til morning and see what my temp was.

I took a shower Tuesday morning and was out of energy.  I made the decision that it was time to go to the ER.  A call to Dad and within a 1/2 hour or so I was at the ER.  After a few tests, It was decided that the cyst on my groin was infected.  My white blood count was through the roof as were other vitals, including my sugar.   I was admitted to the hospital on heavy antibiotics and fluids.

I stayed there til Friday night.  I had to wait til late to come home because Home Health could not come out late to administer the second daily dose.  This was my first time staying in the hospital over night and dealing with all these decisions for myself.   I could handle giving myself the IV but I wasn’t sure about packing the open wound where the cyst was.  It has to remain open to allow the toxins to leave my body and heal from the inside out.  If not, it may refill and then I would be in the same boat.

I sit here this morning after being able to take a shower for the first time.  My dressing was changed on my PICC line to make sure it is ok.  Bloodwork was drawn so that they can make sure the Antibiotic isn’t causing any issues.  I feel a ton better.  I am allowed to do things as long it doesn’t put me at risk for debris getting in the wound or damaging the PICC line.

I went to Walmart yesterday to get cat food and stuff I needed.  Dad drove.  I got exactly what I needed and ended up sitting on the bench out front… half ready to pass out.  Dad got talking to someone and lost track of time.  Had that been last week, I wouldn’t have enough strength to wait on him.  I would have probably passed out on the bench.

I’m not allowed to go back to work as long as this thing is draining and open.  I have to figure out how our benefits work so I have some kind of income.  That is Tuesday’s mission…  Figure that mess out.

I think I’ll lay down for a bit now that lunch is done and I’ve typed my little piece.  On the mend… .Catch ya later…

~Cappy

I have this philosophy that basically says “If I can… I will do whatever it takes to get the job done.”

Over the years, I have been taught that you shouldn’t promise what you can’t deliver.  On the opposite side of that coin, Sometimes you need to deliver what others promised.  That sounds like a mouth full… doesn’t it.  I’ll  simplify all of it, “The show must go on.”

Where to start?  The beginning is as good a place as any.  In about 7th grade, My buddy and I were riding bikes at the school.  These people were carrying all these neat things into the auditorium.  We stopped to ask what was going on.  I don’t remember whether they let us help or we just did but this is where I got my first lighting job.  I watched as they setup these things.   They were lighting FX: Black lights, strobe lights and a huge mirror ball.

I found out they needed someone to turn the mirror ball motor on.  It wasn’t a glorious job offer… but I took it.  Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, my first lighting job was to climb a ladder up to the attic above the auditorium and sit in a little doorway where I could see the lighting guy.  He would give me a wave and I would flip a light switch that would make the mirror ball spin.  That was it… It was my job and I had a blast doing it.  “WOO HOO!”  I was the mirror ball guy for Jazz Rock Ensemble that year, under the direction of Mr. DiSantis.  I would continue doing lighting and sound for West Middlesex High School throughout my school years and a couple years after.  My pay scale was non-existent.  The enjoyment of it all was my reward.  I have since done everything from Bar Bands to better known acts, to dinner theater productions in the local church.

I use lighting and sound as an example for one reason: I developed my philosophy and work ethic in those arenas.  You see… I am always of the mind that you have to do whatever you can to make the production go off like it should.  I have applied this to work on the stage, naturally, my employment and things I do with friends.

This philosophy has changed throughout the years in its nature.  The extent to which I fulfill it, is now gauged and tempered.  There is one major flaw in living this kind of life.  You get taken advantage of.  I have been hurt more times than I can count, for no other reason than I put myself out there to help someone and then let them run me to the ground.  I didn’t even care that I was technically being played for my knowledge or experience.  Most of the time, I was happy just to do what had to be done.  I began to temper what I offered so that I became the one controlling my talents and efforts.  Trying to work with a local sound company taught me that I had to pick a line and when that line came to my feet, it was time to say enough.  Thanks for the lesson Denny.  It was hard earned and I paid the price, but I’m am far better off for having had the lesson.

These days, I still live by the same philosophy.  I just know that there is a point I have to look out for myself.  I do what needs done.  At the same time, I have learned that I can’t take the blame or allow someone to punish me because I tried but didn’t achieve the expected result.  My theory is “Look, you put us in this position. I tried my best to pull through and that’s all I can do.”  I can’t blame myself because someone else changed the rules halfway through and everything fell on its face.  I did what I could.  I also learned that sometimes, no matter how bad you just want to throw your hands up and walk away, you can’t.  If you walk away, what chance to you have to make a difference, even if its only a little one.

Project Management has reinforced my theory that you can’t blame yourself when the team fails.  Do your best and let the team’s shoulders carry the load.   You can’t do everything so don’t even try.  Do what YOU can do.  We cant allow the weights of the world press on us.  It has taught me that I have to have “faith”.  Faith in myself and faith in others.  If I try to do more than “I” can, I will never be able to achieve my goal.  It doesn’t mean we stop learning as we live.  It means we have to learn how to apply that which we know and recognize our limitations.  Failure teaches us new things, even though sometimes that failure carries a sting of pain and regret.  Recognizing our limitations allows us to learn and grow.

I was writing this tonight, because a friend felt down because he had been working on something and it fell through.  He felt bad because he had told people he could do this and now, through no fault of his own, the  other party backed out.  That’s ok because you tried to do what you could and they didn’t hold up their end.  We can’t live in regret that we tried and someone else let us down.  We need to move on.  Do what needs to be done.  If we fall down, we must get back up and dust ourselves off.

I thought about the song “All I Ever Have To Be” by Amy Grant.  It’s an old one.  As I played the song, I began to cry.  I didn’t even realize how much I needed to hear those words again.

“All I ever have to be is what you’ve made me… Any more or less would be a step out of your plan.”  While this talks about God’s plan, It can apply to other areas of our life.  Sometimes, I think we go looking for things that aren’t ours to deal with.  This week has been a prime example at work.  I’ve haven’t asked too many questions.  I did what I was asked to do and let others deal with the rest.  Hurdles from one thing seemed to jump out in the way of the next.  Even though they really aren’t in the same race, the track still became cluttered.  I know that I can only jump those hurdles that are mine to jump.  I also realize, that it might not be about “ME” jumping the hurdles.  They aren’t my hurdles.  Maybe, Its about me holding someone’s hand or  giving them a boost over their hurdle.  OR… maybe it is about letting them stumble and fall so they learn.

Any way you slice it… The show must go on.  I can do all I know how to do, but if I do my part and things still falter… so be it.  I can’t allow regret and self-doubt to drag me down.  I will get up.  Dust myself off and move on.

To another day…

~Cappy

Today has been a day of pointy things!

It started when I put my boots on this morning.  I walked over to the post office and back.  My right boot seemed to have something in it.  It was poking the right side of the bottom of my foot.  I sat on the yard swing and took the boot off.  At first, I didn’t see anything.  I shook the boot with it turned upside down.  A small black zip tie fell out.  I guess I was going to zip tie my boot to my foot to keep in on there? I don’t know.  I must have dropped them when I was getting stuff together to work on some project before my back went south last week.

I got on the bike (Maggie for those of you who haven’t figured that out yet) and headed for my usual Saturday lunch spot… Hogan’s Heroes in Hermitage.  They were having a birthday party for the owner’s 4 year old grandson.  That is the most people I have seen in that place since she moved.  It took a bit longer to get lunch than usual, but I was determined I would get my ride in anyway.

I haven’t ridden for almost three weeks due to my back being messed up again.  I felt good enough that I made up my mind to ride up to Presque Isle in Erie.  As I rode the first leg to Conneaut, PA, where I planned to get gas, I started getting this sharp pressure on the top of my head from my helmet.  The cheek pads also seemed to be unreasonably tight or in the wrong place.  It felt like the helmet just wasn’t sitting right on my big fat head.  The pain was bad enough that I flipped the front face open a couple times while riding to see if I could reposition the helmet without taking it off.  No such luck.

I got to Conneaut and pulled into Sheetz for gas.  Once Maggie was full, I pulled over to the side and quickly took my helmet off.  I looked around the inside for something sharp that might have got in there (like above zip tie).  Nothing was in there and nothing even felt sharp.  One other time I had an issue with it hurting my head.  The inside padding is removable in three pieces… Two cheek pads and a top skull pad.  That time the back of the skull pad had come unsnapped on one side.  I checked but nothing was wrong there.

I put the helmet on and continued my northward ride.  I got to Erie with a splitting headache and my face actually hurt from the cheek pads not sitting correctly.  I stopped at the Tom Ridge Nature Center to go to the top of the tower to take a couple pictures since the day was so beautiful.  I figured that would give my head time to rest.  At the top of the tower, I took two panorama pictures.  Here they are linked together.  If you could see 360 degrees in one glance, this might be what it would look like.

Two panorama shots edited together to create a 360 degree view from the top of the tower.

Third point of the day was the point at the end of Presque Isle.  I spent about 15 or 20 minutes up on the tower enjoying the sun and watching the roller coaster over at Waldameer Park make its rounds.  Its funny having grown up with an Aunt and Uncle (and cousin) living in Erie.  You notice the difference in traffic and the noise coming from the park.  Kids today probably think the roller coaster always crossed Peninsula Drive.  I walked around inside the center for a bit.  They had a few bird displays (stuffed) that I didn’t see before.  I also walked around the gift shop, just to see what knick knacks this season had to offer.  I don’t think I’ve ever bought anything in there, but I walk through every time I stop there.

I left the Ridge Center and headed down onto Presque Isle.  I had noticed a couple times as I got near Erie that there were these little dandelion like spores floating in the breeze.  It was like snow on the ground in places once you got on the peninsula.  These things were small enough and numerous enough that they got in through the vents in my helmet.  Every time I stopped I had to brush little cotton puffs off my face.  I pinged my friends on Facebook to see if anyone knew what these things were.  The final answer… and the correct one, confirmed by the Ridge Center’s Tree Guide… is that they come from the Cottonwood Tree (a sub variety of the Poplar Tree).

I stopped at different places this time around.  I passed Perry Monument and road out to Beach 11.  Question?  Have the beaches always had normal names too?  I only ever remember them being called Beach 1 – 11.  I saw several pylons with verbal names.  I don’t recall those from the times I rode up last year.  I may just not have noticed them though.  I walked out on a couple different beaches.  The loose sand is hard on my back.  Fortunately, my riding boots gave me some extra support.  As I continued around the peninsula, I passed the light house.  I turned around and went back.  I’ve never taken pictures of the light house from the beach before.  Here they are!

I stopped at Sarah’s for a cheeseburger and onion rings and then pointed Maggie towards home.  I hadn’t made it 15 miles out of Erie when my helmet again started digging into my head and face.  Something is definitely wrong… the helmet is messed up or its my head… or both.  I made what adjustments I could while riding but decided that Sheetz in Meadville would be a required stop to fix this irritating mess.  I got to Sheetz and pulled in to the side lot.  I took my helmet off and began systematically removing the liner pieces.  I would find the problem or there would be something in there to pad against the unknown spear sticking into my head.

The right cheek pad was partially unsnapped.  Ok… That might explain the cheeks feeling tight,  but what was sticking me in the skull. As I started to remove the skull pad, I noticed that the front part was half unsnapped.  I didn’t even know that’s how that part went in there.  I thought it just slipped under the lip of the outer shell.  I refastened the loose part, making sure it was tucked under where it was supposed to be.  I put the cheek pads back into their proper positions and snapped them fast.  The rest of the  ride home was fairly comfortable… save for the sore spot that I had worn into my thick skull, aching a bit.

I had passed on the Orange ice cream cone at Sarah’s.  By the time I pulled into West Middlesex, I was convinced I needed a snack.  I don’t think I really needed one, but it sounds good… right.  I stopped at Dairy Queen and got a Cherry dipped Vanilla ice cream cone.  It was good, even though it got me razzed a bit on the internet because I got caught sitting on the picnic table eating it.  Sometimes ya just gotta do what ya just gotta do… Yeah. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

I came home and sat on the yard swing a bit before putting Maggie back in the barn.  She deserved to sit in the driveway for a bit after being cooped up for three weeks.  It was a nice evening to enjoy the swing.  Tink was in the window when I pulled up.  When I sat down on the swing (which is out of her view) she must have thought I was coming inside.  She got down to see if I gave her anything to eat.. Which I did eventually.

I noticed on my cell bill this month, that Dad’s phone once again was getting data use.  I had blocked it before because his neighbor’s daughter got a hold of it and installed a couple monthly billed apps and things.  He had told me he got some weird texts a while ago but it didn’t click that he shouldn’t get anything like that because I had them blocked.  I logged onto my AT&T account and clicked the Chat Support button.  The agent came up quickly.  I lucked out and got a young lady with a sense of humor.  She said that the previous block had been applied as temporary and had expired.  She put a permanent data block on that only I can revoke.  She also gave me a $20 credit for the data he used.  W00T!  I asked if she had a setting for a million dollars.  She said no. Bummer… Oh well!  I got the block turned back on and $20 to boot.  It was a nice way to end the day.

Tomorrow is to be nice too.  Not sure what I’ll do yet, but something.  Have a good night!

~Cappy

… shoulder and back.  What did you think I was going to say?

I spent the whole weekend medicated trying to get rid of the tightness in my left shoulder and spine.  Doc says my ribs are out of place and probably won’t go back on their own.  Nice that he called me back after I did what he asked and called him today (Sarcasm there… Neither He nor anyone else in the office for that matter,  called me back).

This whole past couple of weeks have been a pain in the … Depression has been running at a high.. or would that be low?  It’s been ugly.  I can’t ride the motorcycle right now between the pain and the effects of the medicines.  I’ve been just trying to deal.  Deal… yeah, right.  Basically, that means I’ve slept most of the time when I wasn’t required to be somewhere.

I forgot to take my muscle relaxer tonight.  I can feel it.  I really don’t want to take another one, but who knows if I can sleep without it.  I damn sure can sleep with it.  That’s all I did all day Saturday.  I feel like that is all I’ve been doing.  The hours that I am awake have been in a semi-stupor so I guess sleeping is better.

I know people say that you shouldn’t be down on yourself and “Only you can change the things you don’t like”.  I’ve heard that a lot lately.    I spent the last 5 months pushing myself to be happier and all it has gotten me is a bigger fall back into depression.  I guess I just haven’t found my “Happy Thought” yet.  I’m beginning to wonder what that is anymore.

I need to sort my life out.  I’ve seen a couple of motivational readings over the last few days that struck home in a very damaging way.  The advice they give seems sound enough if everything continues to improve but it doesn’t take into account the fact that sometimes you aren’t in control of all the pieces of the puzzle.  I guess this is where people, much stronger than me, just say “To Hell with this!” and make the leap of faith to quit and move on to something else… making a clean break with their problems, as it were.

There are a couple of decisions that I should make this week.  I just don’t know if I’m up for the challenge.  Then again… If there is no challenge, there is very little to learn.  I think I’m afraid that certain people have put me on a pedestal and it will be a hard fall if I can’t meet their standards.  I don’t need any more falls right now.   I should jump… Make the proverbial leap, but I’m afraid.  I don’t even know why I’m afraid, but standing here… Looking over the edge… I shake.  I close my eyes as tears well up.  Where has the courage gone?  I feel trapped inside my own cage of self doubt and the worthless feeling it creates.

I wish I knew which way to go, instead of stumbling around.  I’m rambling… I know it.  My thoughts have gone astray tonight.  I guess I’ll go to bed and hope I wake up in a better mood in the morning.

Toodles.

~Cappy