… shoulder and back. What did you think I was going to say?
I spent the whole weekend medicated trying to get rid of the tightness in my left shoulder and spine. Doc says my ribs are out of place and probably won’t go back on their own. Nice that he called me back after I did what he asked and called him today (Sarcasm there… Neither He nor anyone else in the office for that matter, called me back).
This whole past couple of weeks have been a pain in the … Depression has been running at a high.. or would that be low? It’s been ugly. I can’t ride the motorcycle right now between the pain and the effects of the medicines. I’ve been just trying to deal. Deal… yeah, right. Basically, that means I’ve slept most of the time when I wasn’t required to be somewhere.
I forgot to take my muscle relaxer tonight. I can feel it. I really don’t want to take another one, but who knows if I can sleep without it. I damn sure can sleep with it. That’s all I did all day Saturday. I feel like that is all I’ve been doing. The hours that I am awake have been in a semi-stupor so I guess sleeping is better.
I know people say that you shouldn’t be down on yourself and “Only you can change the things you don’t like”. I’ve heard that a lot lately. I spent the last 5 months pushing myself to be happier and all it has gotten me is a bigger fall back into depression. I guess I just haven’t found my “Happy Thought” yet. I’m beginning to wonder what that is anymore.
I need to sort my life out. I’ve seen a couple of motivational readings over the last few days that struck home in a very damaging way. The advice they give seems sound enough if everything continues to improve but it doesn’t take into account the fact that sometimes you aren’t in control of all the pieces of the puzzle. I guess this is where people, much stronger than me, just say “To Hell with this!” and make the leap of faith to quit and move on to something else… making a clean break with their problems, as it were.
There are a couple of decisions that I should make this week. I just don’t know if I’m up for the challenge. Then again… If there is no challenge, there is very little to learn. I think I’m afraid that certain people have put me on a pedestal and it will be a hard fall if I can’t meet their standards. I don’t need any more falls right now. I should jump… Make the proverbial leap, but I’m afraid. I don’t even know why I’m afraid, but standing here… Looking over the edge… I shake. I close my eyes as tears well up. Where has the courage gone? I feel trapped inside my own cage of self doubt and the worthless feeling it creates.
I wish I knew which way to go, instead of stumbling around. I’m rambling… I know it. My thoughts have gone astray tonight. I guess I’ll go to bed and hope I wake up in a better mood in the morning.
Toodles.
~Cappy