anger

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The Bitter End to an Angry Week

Posted by Cappy on June 25, 2012
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Grrrrrrr.. Blowing a Fuse. Anger!

This past week, and if I’m honest with myself, the last few months, I’ve really been struggling to deal with issues related to anger.  I have always been a person with a HUGE amount of patience.  Letting things roll off has always been fairly easy for me, until this past couple of years.  Someone once told me that I should let go and tell people how I feel.  I’ve never liked doing that because as a teenager, I found my temper to be extremely uncontrollable once unleashed.  I worked hard to restrict my responses to avoid hurting others emotionally or worse… possibly physically.  I got really good at burying the anger deep down inside.

These days that anger seems to bleed to the surface.  Little things seem to pile on top of each other bringing me to a boil.  My fuse gets really short and I find myself once again back to my teenage years struggling to suppress it.  Force it back down into the dark reaches of my soul where it can’t hurt anyone but me.  I’ve been looking for ways to control these little hot needles pricking at my protective balloon.  Sometimes, its simply a matter of ignoring the irritant, which often makes the irritant more irritated.  Other times, I must remove myself completely from the situation by either walking away or by no longer taking part in an activity that exposes me to such triggers.

This past week has been a doozy as far as anger management has been concerned:  The insurance company on Monday.  A bunch of little things through out the week ranging from stubborn screws to stubborn coworkers.  The grand finale was Saturday night working security at the race track. 

Working the races is challenging enough when things are going well.  I spend a lot of time dealing with egos driven by adrenaline.  Don’t get me wrong.  Race crews and drivers can be some of the best people you’ll meet.  Once the rush of the race starts, they temporarily become unglued. Adrenaline takes over.  It has been more of a challenge this season as we’ve had many “Full Moon” nights when all the weird stuff happens.  Things have been building, gnawing away at me for about a year and a half now.  They came to a head Saturday night. I decided rather then let my wrath loose on people that probably don’t deserve it that it was time to hang it up.  I turned in my radio and my keys. 

I spent most of the day yesterday dwelling on my decision to quit.  Should I stick to my guns?  Do I want anything to do with dirt track auto racing anymore?  I finally decided that this is definitely the best thing.  I went out and took the push bar off the ATV and disassembled it.  Better that I walk away than let me temper stew and ruin my enjoyment of racing.  I can’t jeopardize blowing up there and having it affect my full time job that pays the bills.

My good ole bad disks and arthiritis in my back are only adding to the anger swelling up.  I’ve been in some rather abnormal pain for the last couple of weeks so my tolerance for other stresses on the body is limited.  I’m not sure why my back has been overly grumpy.  At one point, I thought maybe I was harboring another kidney stone in my left kidney.  The pain becomes difficult to distinguish when my back gets really grumpy although stone pain from large stones has its own unique feeling that I definitely have not had at this point.  Maybe its just my body reacting to the mental fatigue I’ve had of late.  I’m sure a lot of it comes from the subconscious knowledge that the date of Mom’s passing is looming ever closer.

I wish I had more happy thoughts to share at this point.  I scheduled vacation over the 4th of July week.  I don’t know if I’ll take off and do something since I don’t have a Saturday commitment now or what.  I have some things that need done on the bike.  Hopefully, I get those completed early on so that I can enjoy the rest of the week on two wheels. 

Until next time… “Happy thoughts… Happy thoughts… Happy thoughts”  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

~Cappy

Dealing with things such as they are…

Posted by Cappy on August 7, 2010
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My emotions are spinning right now. Since Mom passed away, my stomach has been tied in knots and I haven’t been able to focus my thoughts on any one specific task. I did ok ‘til the other night as things settled down. Sadness started to creep in driven by a realization that Mom won’t be at the house when I go up anymore. Anger too crossed my mind. How many times had I done things that I know had disappointed her? Did I say “I love you” enough?
I have a gal in my life that I had hoped would become more than just a friend. We tried, but the closer we got the more we realized our differences. She and I had a long talk tonight. Tears ran down my face, as I sat in a dark parking lot out by the lake. Even though it didn’t work out as I had hoped and it never will. I value her friendship and the closeness we were able to achieve. I know I had her confused as we talked tonight. My brain has been going so many directions. I’m not sure I even can keep it straight.
For a long time, I’ve wondered if I’d ever get married and have kids. It’s been a hurtful subject to me because I’m it, the end of the line. Something the doctor mentioned when we took Mom to Hillman Cancer Center two weeks before she died really struck a nerve. The doctor said “If you have any special plans… anniversary parties, weddings…” He began to say plans to have children but then added something like “..well you can’t really make that go any faster.” My heart sank to the basement. Mom would never see her grandchildren, me getting married or any of that. Anger once again creeps in. Why have I not been more outgoing in my relationships or search for one? Why have I wasted my life? For what… to be alone? To fulfill my greatest fear that I will die at a young age like my uncle who shared my birthday and whom my middle name came from. I don’t want that but it seems more and more that through my own actions or lack thereof, I will die alone with this worthless feeling in my heart.
I battled depression hard when I lost my grandma (Mom’s mom). I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t ask for help. I shed tears and fought the anger and fatigue all on my own. I went through the same unsettled thought processes then. I tried to prepare myself for Mom’s passing. I knew that day would come because of her Cancer. I fortified myself with all the knowledge that the books say will help you get through rough times. I spent hours of sleepless nights staring off into the darkness convincing myself that because I knew the day would come, I could be strong and not go through these dark valleys again. Once again, my misguided self slams hard into a brick wall.
I have a friend staying with me for a while. He is, as Mom frequently would tell people, “My adopted brother”. I know he must think I’m upset with him right now. I feel like I’ve acted that way. I don’t mean to be. Little things that once would not be a problem for me tweak at my nerves. I probably would have been interested in the movie he had on tonight, but I felt like smashing the tv and yelling at him instead. I didn’t. I chose to go for a drive instead. I don’t want to be angry with anyone. I hope they all understand that I’m having a hard time with things right now. I apologize.
I don’t know why I feel most comfortable when I’m alone. I always have. Right now, alone is the last place I need to be. It strikes up too many thoughts of things I’ve put aside or missed out on in my life.. I look at friends and see them struggle to pay bills the bills because they’ve got a family to feed. How many times these past several weeks I’d have gladly been in the financial hole to have a wife and kids to come home to instead of the lonely thoughts trapped inside my head that keep me awake at night.

Thank you to all those across the internet and in my life who have stood by me through these past few weeks. I cherish you all. Forgive me if I’m out of sorts, get angry or I ramble. Time will mend my shattered mind. Until then, don’t be surprised to see more of these letters. It’s one of the ways I deal with what is eating at me inside. Many times I write them and destroy them without letting anyone see them. Those letters are usually the angry ones. Sometimes I just don’t know any other way of saying what is on my heart. Thanks again for being there.

~Curtis

Thoughts and things….

Posted by Cappy on July 22, 2010
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I sit here at work stressed out not wanting to do anything. Waves of sadness, anger, depression and fear wash over me from time to time as I think about where things stand in my life right now. I almost want to go lock myself in a dark room and shut out everything today. Everything is going wrong or at least that’s how it seems. Mom’s cancer catching up to her. Problems with my truck that were caused by an aftermarket dealer who should know what he’s doing. Work not being what I want. My relationship status is not where I’d hoped it could be.

Sadness…

Over the last five years or so I’ve watched Mom battle cancer. Most of the fight has been surprisingly better than expected. The aggressive cancer type she had pops up and gets beaten down by the chemo or radiation. It rears its ugly head somewhere else and we change treatments and move on. She has remained pretty active and has had realitively few bad side affects from the chemo. She gets tired, food changes flavor and she’s lost her hair more than once, but all in all its been a good fight. Two weeks ago today, she could not sleep laying down. That Friday, Dad took her to the emergency room not able to breathe well. Since then things have not looked good. The doctors all ask how long she’s been on oxygen. We tell them that it’s only been in the last two weeks and they look at us surprised. What do they know that we do not?

Anger…

I get angry easily these days. Angry at the stupidity of people. Angry at myself for not being better prepared. This anger shifts to Mom and Dad from time to time as it seems they just want to wait it out and not take action. I don’t want to put Mom through any more than she needs to do. It’s already been a long fight, but I don’t want to lose her either. There are legal things that need addressed so that she gets the treatments she wants or does not want. Every day we wait is one more day that she is less able to make her own choices. I was angry at the doctor in Pittsburgh for being so blunt about her prognosis. He was upset with Mom and Dad for not having discussed how things should progress as the cancer gained more ground. I understand that he has seen so many people come through his office unprepared for what is coming that he feels the need to emphasise just how import planning is. I get angry at my aunts for coming to ‘help’ with Mom and then tearing the house apart around her. It frustrates Mom and she doesn’t need that. I go home at night to my own house and shed tears because I’ve had to fight anger all day. Anger I know is missplaced and is hurting noone but me.

Depression…

I am most comfortable when I’m by myself. I don’t like to ask for help but will if necessary. I’ve fought depression for years. I’ve learned to look inside myself to find the strength to go on from day to day. Right now, however, I’m lost within my own soul. Friends and family stand beside me, doing their best to hold me up. While I appreciate their strength and love, I try to fight for the strength to hold on and be strong for Mom and Dad. I thought I’d probably not be able to sleep because of all the emotions spinning through my mind. I find myself falling into deep depression induced sleep as soon as I stop moving. I think of the future and realize there are things Mom has hoped to see happen in my life that she mostly won’t get to see. Things like my wedding day… Grandchildren… Hell.. I don’t even know if they’ll happen or not. Tears well up as I think of this. I don’t want to lose her!!!

Faith…

A lot of folks have asked me to speak with my pastor. I don’t have one any more. A pastor and church ‘family’ in my past has become a stumbling block to my faith. While I do believe whole heartedly that God exists and is in control of our lives, the Church itself has lost its importance in my life. I had my heart ripped out by people who were supposed to be the ones that loved me. It hurt Mom badly when I left the church. I know she shed tears over it. In time, they saw the changes I saw and now have moved to another church. I pray silently when I feel angry, sad and/or depressed that God will lift me up and will hold Mom close as she continues down whatever road He chooses to take her. I appreciate all those of you who are my friends whether only on the net or you are folks I’ve met and spend time with. If it weren’t for your thoughts and prayers, my faith would probably be completely gone.

Pain and Hurt…

It tore me up when my Grandparents (Mom’s parents) passed. They were an example of faith and strength in my life. Mom has had faith beyond measure that she would endure through the last five years. I know that she will have her place in Heaven with them. I watched as my Grandmother fought cancer and won, only to have demensia take her mind from her. As hard as it is for me to see Mom sick, I hope that she doesn’t have to go through that. It was hard on the whole family. Am I selfish to ask that if the Lord is going to take her, that he take her quickly and not let her suffer? It hurts me to think I would want to see her pass from her pain and suffering. I feel like such a terrible son at times.

Whatever comes these next few days.. weeks… months.. I will do my best to fight for her and help wherever I can.

Lord hold me up. Give me strength to keep going. Give me the inner peace to go on. Give Dad the strength and comfort that he requires to deal with all that this has brought. Most of all lift Mom up and hold her in your mercy that only you can provide.

Think you can’t make a difference?

Posted by Cappy on February 4, 2009
Posted in: Miscellaneous. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

Did you ever feel like you would never amount to anything? Never make a difference in the world?  I normally wouldn’t do this but I feel I need to because this may touch that one person who will make a difference someday in someone’s life.

We had a Pastor at our church many years ago.  We were his the first church he had officially pastored.  He and his wife were young and full of the Lord.  The had a couple of kids and in time, they moved on to become missionaries serving in Russia.  The story in the links below is about their daughter Renee.  This isn’t hearsay off the streets. Its not some made up web fad or spam.  Her mother forwarded it to us.  It shows just how someone… anyone… can touch the world.

Watch the news clip below and check out the link to their Myspace page then tell me that you can’t make a difference.  She did.  All it took was to cry out to her friends and they now have an outreach that spans the globe.  Over 300,000 friends on myspace, many having left behind stories of hope and how Renee’s story touched their lives and in many cases… save that life.

http://www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms