My emotions are spinning right now. Since Mom passed away, my stomach has been tied in knots and I haven’t been able to focus my thoughts on any one specific task. I did ok ‘til the other night as things settled down. Sadness started to creep in driven by a realization that Mom won’t be at the house when I go up anymore. Anger too crossed my mind. How many times had I done things that I know had disappointed her? Did I say “I love you” enough?
I have a gal in my life that I had hoped would become more than just a friend. We tried, but the closer we got the more we realized our differences. She and I had a long talk tonight. Tears ran down my face, as I sat in a dark parking lot out by the lake. Even though it didn’t work out as I had hoped and it never will. I value her friendship and the closeness we were able to achieve. I know I had her confused as we talked tonight. My brain has been going so many directions. I’m not sure I even can keep it straight.
For a long time, I’ve wondered if I’d ever get married and have kids. It’s been a hurtful subject to me because I’m it, the end of the line. Something the doctor mentioned when we took Mom to Hillman Cancer Center two weeks before she died really struck a nerve. The doctor said “If you have any special plans… anniversary parties, weddings…” He began to say plans to have children but then added something like “..well you can’t really make that go any faster.” My heart sank to the basement. Mom would never see her grandchildren, me getting married or any of that. Anger once again creeps in. Why have I not been more outgoing in my relationships or search for one? Why have I wasted my life? For what… to be alone? To fulfill my greatest fear that I will die at a young age like my uncle who shared my birthday and whom my middle name came from. I don’t want that but it seems more and more that through my own actions or lack thereof, I will die alone with this worthless feeling in my heart.
I battled depression hard when I lost my grandma (Mom’s mom). I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t ask for help. I shed tears and fought the anger and fatigue all on my own. I went through the same unsettled thought processes then. I tried to prepare myself for Mom’s passing. I knew that day would come because of her Cancer. I fortified myself with all the knowledge that the books say will help you get through rough times. I spent hours of sleepless nights staring off into the darkness convincing myself that because I knew the day would come, I could be strong and not go through these dark valleys again. Once again, my misguided self slams hard into a brick wall.
I have a friend staying with me for a while. He is, as Mom frequently would tell people, “My adopted brother”. I know he must think I’m upset with him right now. I feel like I’ve acted that way. I don’t mean to be. Little things that once would not be a problem for me tweak at my nerves. I probably would have been interested in the movie he had on tonight, but I felt like smashing the tv and yelling at him instead. I didn’t. I chose to go for a drive instead. I don’t want to be angry with anyone. I hope they all understand that I’m having a hard time with things right now. I apologize.
I don’t know why I feel most comfortable when I’m alone. I always have. Right now, alone is the last place I need to be. It strikes up too many thoughts of things I’ve put aside or missed out on in my life.. I look at friends and see them struggle to pay bills the bills because they’ve got a family to feed. How many times these past several weeks I’d have gladly been in the financial hole to have a wife and kids to come home to instead of the lonely thoughts trapped inside my head that keep me awake at night.

Thank you to all those across the internet and in my life who have stood by me through these past few weeks. I cherish you all. Forgive me if I’m out of sorts, get angry or I ramble. Time will mend my shattered mind. Until then, don’t be surprised to see more of these letters. It’s one of the ways I deal with what is eating at me inside. Many times I write them and destroy them without letting anyone see them. Those letters are usually the angry ones. Sometimes I just don’t know any other way of saying what is on my heart. Thanks again for being there.

~Curtis