I sit here at work stressed out not wanting to do anything. Waves of sadness, anger, depression and fear wash over me from time to time as I think about where things stand in my life right now. I almost want to go lock myself in a dark room and shut out everything today. Everything is going wrong or at least that’s how it seems. Mom’s cancer catching up to her. Problems with my truck that were caused by an aftermarket dealer who should know what he’s doing. Work not being what I want. My relationship status is not where I’d hoped it could be.

Sadness…

Over the last five years or so I’ve watched Mom battle cancer. Most of the fight has been surprisingly better than expected. The aggressive cancer type she had pops up and gets beaten down by the chemo or radiation. It rears its ugly head somewhere else and we change treatments and move on. She has remained pretty active and has had realitively few bad side affects from the chemo. She gets tired, food changes flavor and she’s lost her hair more than once, but all in all its been a good fight. Two weeks ago today, she could not sleep laying down. That Friday, Dad took her to the emergency room not able to breathe well. Since then things have not looked good. The doctors all ask how long she’s been on oxygen. We tell them that it’s only been in the last two weeks and they look at us surprised. What do they know that we do not?

Anger…

I get angry easily these days. Angry at the stupidity of people. Angry at myself for not being better prepared. This anger shifts to Mom and Dad from time to time as it seems they just want to wait it out and not take action. I don’t want to put Mom through any more than she needs to do. It’s already been a long fight, but I don’t want to lose her either. There are legal things that need addressed so that she gets the treatments she wants or does not want. Every day we wait is one more day that she is less able to make her own choices. I was angry at the doctor in Pittsburgh for being so blunt about her prognosis. He was upset with Mom and Dad for not having discussed how things should progress as the cancer gained more ground. I understand that he has seen so many people come through his office unprepared for what is coming that he feels the need to emphasise just how import planning is. I get angry at my aunts for coming to ‘help’ with Mom and then tearing the house apart around her. It frustrates Mom and she doesn’t need that. I go home at night to my own house and shed tears because I’ve had to fight anger all day. Anger I know is missplaced and is hurting noone but me.

Depression…

I am most comfortable when I’m by myself. I don’t like to ask for help but will if necessary. I’ve fought depression for years. I’ve learned to look inside myself to find the strength to go on from day to day. Right now, however, I’m lost within my own soul. Friends and family stand beside me, doing their best to hold me up. While I appreciate their strength and love, I try to fight for the strength to hold on and be strong for Mom and Dad. I thought I’d probably not be able to sleep because of all the emotions spinning through my mind. I find myself falling into deep depression induced sleep as soon as I stop moving. I think of the future and realize there are things Mom has hoped to see happen in my life that she mostly won’t get to see. Things like my wedding day… Grandchildren… Hell.. I don’t even know if they’ll happen or not. Tears well up as I think of this. I don’t want to lose her!!!

Faith…

A lot of folks have asked me to speak with my pastor. I don’t have one any more. A pastor and church ‘family’ in my past has become a stumbling block to my faith. While I do believe whole heartedly that God exists and is in control of our lives, the Church itself has lost its importance in my life. I had my heart ripped out by people who were supposed to be the ones that loved me. It hurt Mom badly when I left the church. I know she shed tears over it. In time, they saw the changes I saw and now have moved to another church. I pray silently when I feel angry, sad and/or depressed that God will lift me up and will hold Mom close as she continues down whatever road He chooses to take her. I appreciate all those of you who are my friends whether only on the net or you are folks I’ve met and spend time with. If it weren’t for your thoughts and prayers, my faith would probably be completely gone.

Pain and Hurt…

It tore me up when my Grandparents (Mom’s parents) passed. They were an example of faith and strength in my life. Mom has had faith beyond measure that she would endure through the last five years. I know that she will have her place in Heaven with them. I watched as my Grandmother fought cancer and won, only to have demensia take her mind from her. As hard as it is for me to see Mom sick, I hope that she doesn’t have to go through that. It was hard on the whole family. Am I selfish to ask that if the Lord is going to take her, that he take her quickly and not let her suffer? It hurts me to think I would want to see her pass from her pain and suffering. I feel like such a terrible son at times.

Whatever comes these next few days.. weeks… months.. I will do my best to fight for her and help wherever I can.

Lord hold me up. Give me strength to keep going. Give me the inner peace to go on. Give Dad the strength and comfort that he requires to deal with all that this has brought. Most of all lift Mom up and hold her in your mercy that only you can provide.