Well… Here we are at a day that literally makes me half sick.  July 26th.  I received the call from Dad around 7:30 am, that Mom had slipped off in her sleep.  His actual words were “She’s gone..”  I rushed out the door and up to their house.  Mom was peacefully still in Dad’s chair.  I don’t know how long it had been from the time he found her to the time he called me.  I’ve always assumed he didn’t call me right away… That he took a little time to come to terms with it.

I won’t forget that call or the ambulance crew and police officers who were very kind even though there were questions that had to be asked and tasks that needed to be performed.  I remember clearly as they stepped aside to give us a few final moments with her after they put her on the gurney in the living room.  The Pastor showed up within minutes of her being taken out of the house.  I have always assumed that Smith’s Funeral Home contacted him as soon as they heard.

Left to Right: Me, Mom, Grandpa, Grandma At Greenfield Village now part of The Henry Ford (museum)

I think I held it together as I made phone calls to let people know.  I’m not sure.  There are periods of the next few days that are very clear… Others are a blur.  Picking out the casket, the cemetery lot and a few other things that concerned me, as Mom and Dad never talked about what they wanted… even though we knew Mom’s outcome was inevitable.  It all fell in place.  I remember bits and pieces of the Calling Hours.  Seeing my coworkers in the line… something I didn’t expect.  Judy Miller… A family friend who’d we’d known since I was fairly young.  A few other folks vaguely come to mind.  I was glad Ron came home.  It wasn’t the best situation but had he not been there, I would have had way too much time to think.  I have had more than enough time since then to dwell.

I fought with depression and anger.  Was there something I could have done had I continued to go to the appointments with her?  A question I could have asked? Something in those last days to make her more comfortable?  I felt like such a terrible son.  There came a point where I prayed that God would take her home… Take her suffering away.  It was hard to look at her in that chair over the last 3 weeks of her life… Living, but barely alive.  I still have times where I feel bad that I even thought that way.  It was so hard.  I felt so helpless… even guilty that I hadn’t helped Dad enough.  I got to go home at night.  He had to be there all day and night.  There wasn’t much that could be done… or was there.

Left to Right: Grandma, Me, Dad, Mom

I still have days where my heart aches and I miss her so much.  I’m glad that I was invited to spend the day, Saturday, riding with the gang.  It took my mind off things until I got home.  Its terribly difficult for me to go to the cemetery.  I don’t go as often as I should.  Sometimes, I think Dad goes up too often.  I won’t say anything to him because they spent 43+ years together.  It has to be hard for him.  He rarely says much about it other than telling me he planted some flowers or someone weed whacked the flowers we put up there.

I don’t think I’ll be doing much today (Sunday, July 26th.)  I may run up to the cemetery and pay my respects.  I may hide in bed, closed off from the outside world.  It will just depend how I feel.  I wasn’t really sleepy.  These things were on my mind as I get ready to sleep after a long day.  I know I’ve said them before (at least 4 or 5 times now) but no matter how hard I try to fill the hole that she left, I know I won’t… Nor do I really want to.

I keep our memories that we made.  The good and the bad.

Mom. This was taken on one of her last trips with Dad. This was during her battle with Breast Cancer. She kept going until her body wouldn’t let her go anymore.

I love you Mom.

~Curtis

… Yet it was.

A couple months ago, Pentatonix announced they would be touring this summer with Kelly Clarkson.  I had missed the closest stop on their “On My Way Home” Tour.  I really wanted to catch this stop.  It was much closer.  I didn’t think it was going to happen.

Some of you may know that my job was on the line as of July 15th, due to circumstances beyond my control.  I put off most expenses but I did buy of few toys here and there after I paid off my truck.  I debated about spending the money to go to the Piece by Piece Tour featuring Kelly Clarkson with Special Guests Pentatonix.  I looked up the prices for tickets and decided that it wasn’t worth it to spend the money, especially with the concert happening just four days after D-Day at work.

Truth be told, the 15th wasn’t the only date on my mind.  The month or so on either side of July 26th get rough since Mom died.  I went on medication for a while, but I didn’t like the side affects I was having.  In time, I found other ways to cope.  This year has been especially trying with work and all.  I actually wasn’t sure I even felt up to going to a concert.  I thought if I went with people… even good friends… I would probably ruin their experience with my mood.  I continued to pass on buying tickets.

Clear up until a week ago this Saturday, I was certain I wasn’t going to go.  Sunday(last), after riding 160 miles the day before, I went to start the motorcycle.  The starter whirled but never caught.  After a couple tries, the bike successfully fired.  There was a tremendous rattling coming from the clutch cover.  Something major must have broken.  Now, Any lingering thoughts I had of the concert happening were completely… without a doubt… trashed.  Did I break something major?  How much is this going to cost?  “Crap!” (Ok.. maybe that wasn’t the word I chose.)

A few weeks ago, it became very apparent that someone was going to have to stick around at work.  A few select people were chosen.  I had another job I was interviewing for, as well.  I was asked to stay on.  I figured I would just resign if the other job came through.  It still hasn’t.  My brain began to rile in turmoil as the month wore on.  Between work and thinking about Mom’s last days, I haven’t been in a great mood.  I’ve tried to act normal or at least play nice.  Its been tough.  Add the motorcycle breaking and I was just about ready to come unglued.

Thursday night, I pulled the clutch cover off the bike to see what had broken.  To my astonishment, the only thing wrong was that the starter clutch screws had come loose.  The sound was one of the screws dragging on the clutch cover as it spun.  I sighed a huge sigh of relief.  I sat on the shed floor and broke down in tears.  I had felt beaten as I got the tools together to take the cover off.  My week had been terrible.  My back hurt different… and worse… than it ever has before.  I was sure I would find some major breakage when I pulled that cover.

Those loose bolts were the brightest spot I’ve had in several months.  The fix might cost me $20.  The bike still isn’t back together.  I had to order the clutch cover gasket (one of the joys of an older bike… certain things aren’t in stock.)  The gasket is a minor thing.  Just need to wait for it to come in.  This little glimmer of hope in my week sparked my brain.  “Damn it!  I buying tickets for that concert and I’m buying the best seats I can get!”, I told myself, as I looked up the prices again on the internet.  “I’ve been down long enough… I’m doing something for ME!”

I went to work Friday morning not sure if it was anxiety, depression or if I was getting sick.  I fought through the day.  A couple things happened that really torqued my chain.  Things that simple follow through that certain folks should have done before the left the company would have satisfied..  I came home tired, angry, depressed, in pain and just plain ready to give up.  Maybe it was a bad idea getting those tickets.

I slept all evening Friday, waking only a couple times when my phone went off.  I slept late Saturday.  It was hot and muggy and I still felt off.  I took the time to grill some dinner.  I did little else.  I felt better before going to bed Saturday night.  I planned to sleep in Sunday to rest my back as much as possible before the concert Sunday night.

Sunday came.  I got up feeling ok.  I grilled a bacon cheese stake for dinner then moped around a couple hours before getting ready to leave for the concert.  Rain was in the forecast.  A Thunderstorm Watch went into effect just after I pulled into the concert site.  Had I made a bad choice?  The thought had rumbled through my head most of the drive down.

I sat in the truck and ate a couple Sheetz MTO Italian subs that I bought before leaving.  I paid for VIP parking right near the gate.  I figured I wouldn’t get in line until I had to, since the rain was moving in.  The rain held off until I had found my seat.  I walked over to the West Side Souvenir Stand to see what was being sold.  I bought a t-shirt just so I had something to show myself, that I was there.  I went back to my seat… This is where my night started to change.

I thought I was going to be seated 4 rows from the PIT, an area reserved for moshing/dancing near the stage.  I was slightly amused to find that there was no PIT because of the stage configuration.  A heart shaped stage jutted out into the audience from the center of the main stage.  My seat was 4 feet from the edge of the stage.

Then the rain began!  Ushers moved people inward towards the center of the stage to keep people dry.  The rain was coming in in huge drops from the West.  Lightning struck near the pavilion.  Management decided they had enough open seats to bring the lawn seating under the roof.  Problem was, they didn’t organize it.  Now, people were bickering over seats.  Finally, an announcement was made to have certain rows/sections move out of their seats so that people could sit where they paid to sit. (Lawn seats were cheaper. Naturally folks that paid more wanted those folks out of their seats.)

The show started with an opening act I’d never heard of.  She was good.  The second act was also very talented.  Up to that point, however, folks had pretty much stayed seated.  There was applause but it was obvious that these weren’t the folks people paid to see.  When Pentatonix’ backdrop banner was raised, The crowd cheered.  The audience again exploded when Avi, Kirstie, Scott, Mitch and Kevin (Pentatonix, PTX for short) starting singing.  It was a great set.  These five folks have amazing talent and they put it all out there.

Kelly Clarkson took the stage to a similar roar of the crowd.  I’m not sure, but I think Pentatonix had her beat by just a smidgen.  Her set was also great.  She had a visitor on stage… a frog/toad.  She attempted to shoo it off the stage, but it resisted.  She issued a warning to the critter “I’m not a small girl so this may not end well.”  Kelly has a very witty sense of humor.  She broke the driving 1st and 2nd half with a couple slow tunes to just piano accompaniment.  The first song dealt with her abusive father and how her husband had taken the place for her daughter than Kelly never had with her father.

The second song was a song the audience sang to.  During the chorus, while the audience was singing, a bug of some sort landed on her chest and went down her dress.  Kelly took advantage of a quick dimness of the lighting to pull the invader out of her chest area… Naturally, the lights came up, just as her hand was retrieving the critter and flinging it away.  She made light of it.  She also made light of a later wardrobe malfunction that kept her from getting back out to sing with her backup signers.  The backup group took over the task and did fantastic.  Had Kelly not mention the wardrobe malfunction and the fact that she was ‘supposed’ to be on stage, no one would have known.

During Kelly’s set, maybe halfway through, I heard a familiar voice just over my right shoulder.  Scott Hoying of Pentatonix was standing about 4 feet behind me on the other side of the rail.  I told him “Great Show!” He thanked me and shook my hand.  A few songs later, PTX joined Kelly on stage.  The crowd erupted in joy.  As Kelly did her 3 or 4 remaining tunes (including the one the backup signers had to take over), I heard more familiar voices.  I glanced over at the stairs… Pentatonix was walking down the steps.  They stood right next to me for the rest of the evening.  I spoke quickly to Avi’s sister, asking if a video she had taken of the group carrying on to Kelly Clarkson was going to make it to Twitter.  She thought it would.  I haven’t seen it, but if it pops up… I’ll retweet it.

Naturally, security didn’t want people to take their pictures.  It becomes disruptive when they focus of a large group of audience suddenly turns away from the act on stage.  I understand completely.  There were people sitting in the VIP section that paid an extra $$150 on top of their ticket to get to see PTX up close.  I just bought what I thought was going to be a normal decent seat.

I walked back to the truck after it was all over feeling alive and rejuvenated.  My brain was replaying the different acts over and over in my head.  I had gone only with seeing Pentatonix in concert.  To me, Kelly Clarkson was going to be the bonus act.  All 4 acts put on outstanding shows, including a kid from the Pittsburgh area that Kelly picked out of a group of submissions before the tour arrived in Pittsburgh.  Wonderful night!!

I got back to the truck figuring I would just sit and reminisce about the way the evening played out.  The car next to me had left something on when they went into the show.  The security folks were trying to find them jumper cables.  I carry a set with me.  I usually will only use them for friends.  I was in a good mood.  I grabbed the cables and got their car running again.  Everyone was happy.

I drove home with a smile on my face.   I know its late as I type this, but I have no desire to sleep.  I’d like this day to continue… not because I was star struck to get close to one of the groups I enjoy… not because I witnessed a really cool evening of music… I’m still awake, simply because, I had no plans to have a good time tonight.  I figured the rain would ruin it… My mood would ruin it… something would happen.  Well something did happen… I had a great night!

~Cappy