First, let me apologize in advance if I’ve snapped at anyone recently or in the weeks to come.  This is not a good time of year for me.

This week, as I try to tolerate an amount of chronic pain in my back that is worse than before, my emotions are on edge.  Triggers abound at every turn.  Some days I just want to quit… work… life… everything.  Crawl inside this consuming darkness and let it devour me.  I know I can’t, but its there gnawing at me.

Triggers… Things that bring back thoughts, memories and sadness, with an occasional mix of fond memory and joy.  There are many triggers these days.

July 4th, 2010 – The Party on the White House Lawn.  The last time my mother would experience fireworks.  During the show a shell would land in a cardboard box with over 100 shells in it.  They explode simultaneously.  We (the shooters) run for cover, but keep the show going as soon as we realize its safe.  I take the initiative to check on guys close to the station where it happened.  A few singed bits but no injuries.

July 7th, 2010 – At work, I get a phone call from Dad, He’s taking Mom to the hospital.  She is having trouble breathing.

July 12th or 13th, 2010 – We journey as a family to see a Cancer Specialist in Pittsburgh.  Mom’s tumors in her lungs have grown.  Her local Cancer Doctor suggests talking to the specialist to see if there is anything he can do.  The specialist is very upfront.  He asks a few questions, which I can tell Mom and Dad don’t know the answers to.  “Did you know how big your tumors are?”  Mom and Dad both hang their heads.  They don’t know because at this point Mom has stopped asking questions about her Cancer.  I feel helpless as the specialist states that were it his family member, he would take her home and let her be comfortable and bring in Hospice.  Dad is angry with this doctor to this day because he feels this statement made Mom give up.

“HOSPICE” July, 15, 2014 – A Facebook friend posts that her Dad is under Hospice care.  There is a picture with the post.  I tear up.  I remember that feeling.  The Helplessness… You need to do something but what.  The Hope… Wishing, wanting for that one thing that will bring them back to you.  The Memories… In the dark watch hours, the memories come in floods.  The Anger… Could I have done more.  Was I a bad son for not pushing her to ask more questions.  The Sadness…  Knowing the end is coming and not wanting to let go.  Emotions flow like the tides during a hurricane.

“SLEEP” The End is Near July, 2010- Over the next week or so, Mom would slowly begin to run down.  She couldn’t lay down because she couldn’t breathe in that position.  Her strength ebbed.  She began to sleep all the time.  At first she would wake up to eat or go to the bathroom or go out and enjoy the fresh air on the porch.  Later, it was only when necessary.  She couldn’t even make it out on the porch anymore for fresh air.

“The Call” July 26th, 2010 – Dad called and told me she was gone.  I could hear the pain and sadness in his voice.  I rushed to their house.  Never has that couple of blocks seemed so long.  He knew she was gone.  She had slept away.  The last time he tried to get her up to the bathroom, she said no and collapsed down in his recliner.  He drifted off to sleep and she went home to be with “The Lord”.

“Days Lost”  Calling Hours and The Funeral – I was so afraid that the funeral arrangements wouldn’t work out.  Mom never seemed to discuss what she wanted, at least not when I was around.  Everything fell in place.  Those days of Calling Hours and the Funeral are somewhat a blur.  There are some memories that shine through.  The number of people Mom’s life had touched.  My Co-Workers and Boss standing there in line.  I don’t know why I didn’t think they would care, but they were there.  Special friends like Judy Miller.  She was one of those friends that no matter how long its been since you’ve seen them, they were always there.  There are other memories that I won’t bore you with.  Some I’ve posted before.

As I fight my own battles with the pain in my back, which required a muscle relaxer a few minutes ago, I snap back to how Mom fought Cancer.  She rarely complained, though she had every right to.  She kept herself involved in things as much as her pain and treatments would allow.  I wish I had an ounce of her strength tonight, as the pain keeps creeping up in intensity.  I hate taking these stupid muscle relaxers and pain pills, but she took far stronger medications.

I will keep fighting the fight.  The “Triggers” bring back Memories.  I think sometimes to remind me of how she handled her fight.  I hope I don’t fly off the handle at anyone in the upcoming days.   They will be hard for me.  I can’t shut them out for risk of losing what I have left of her in my heart.  I know they will be harder for Dad.  He doesn’t say much, but I know he hurts too.

Thanks for listening.  Maybe I will sleep now, Maybe I won’t.  These thoughts were flying around in my brain and I hope writing them out will bring me some rest.

~Cappy

Christmas vacation started off kinda quiet.  That is actually the way I prefer it, to be honest.  I got some clothes and stuff that I needed, some tools and a garage sale battery operated dog. (Thanks Dad… )  Actually, the dog is an inside joke that I won’t bother to explain here.

The best present I got was to get my Tink back.  She hasn’t been missing but since April she has been acting different.  She now is back to her normal self and I am extremely happy about that.  I felt kind of bad as I went out the door today because she’s been so lovey this week, I didn’t feel like I’m just catching up on all the fun we’ve missed.

One thing I really wanted to do over this vacation was to get away.  The destination was pretty easily chosen.  My cousin’s daughter is dancing in a show at Buschgardens Williamsburg.  Plans worked out to get together as a family and see her show as well as do other things around the area.

Tonight, we met at an italian restaurant for dinner after we all got settled.  It was real italian food not some chain brand misrepresentation.  I had veal parm and spaghetti.  It was delicious and the portion was huge.  ~Burp~ I’m full now.

I had to help Dad choose what he was going to have.  He and Mom were raised on staple foods.  If its not a hamburger or chicken or steak under those names, they didn’t know what to order.  I remember the first time I took them to Applebee’s.  It took Dad 45  minutes to order because the steak didn’t say ‘steak’.  He had Chicken Catiatori tonight and says it was very good.

Tomorrow, we meet for breakfast/brunch at 11 am.   Not a problem for me as I’m up early everyday anyway.  Looking forward to seeing Samantha’s show as well as the park.  It is supposed to be decorated for the holidays and I’ve read its fairly impressive.  The weather is to be really nice too (at least compared to back home.

I’m writing this sitting in the lobby trying to unwind.  I spent over 8 hours driving today and didn’t feel like staying in the room while Dad naps or watches TV.  I’m glad he chose to come along but I realize how much I enjoy my evenings alone.  I have a series of VLOGS I follow and enjoy just shutting out the world and doing my own thing.  I actually had thought about getting my own room but that’s rediculous since we’re here such a short time.

You might think the lobby a strange place to get away.  This Marriot is internet equipped and I’ve got my headphones in crankinig RUSH.  I’m pretty oblivious to what’s going on around the room.  Seems that given the proper equipment (my tablet and my headphones and a music file) I can pretty my zone myself  into my own little world.

Not much else going on in life at this point.  Trying to keep it that way until vacation is over.  My mind needs to be numb for a bit… Let myself focus on not being focused on something for a change.

Hope everyone  had a great Christmas.  I’ll post some pictures when I get them together (probably not until I get  home).

Catch ya later!

~Cappy

It was a humid night.  As we moved down the hall toward the auditorium, I remember thinking about how weird the sky outside looked.  I knew a storm was brewing but I had no idea just what was ahead for us.  I did the lighting and sound for the events in the high school auditorium from the time I was in 8th grade.  They had a habit of kicking the main breaker when left on a long time so I had tested them over and over to make sure they wouldn’t go out during my graduation.

We entered the auditorium and took our places on stage.  The ceremony had just begun when the lights began to flicker.  Someone behind me shoved me in the shoulder and commented that ‘my lights’ were going to ruin graduation.  I whispered “Its not my lights…”  Sure enough the lights went out.  The choir was singing.  I know this because I have multiple photos in my scrap book that Mom and my aunts took of them singing in the dark lit only by the Emergency Exit sign.  News that a tornado was headed for our school reached the stage.  We asked to evacuate the stage into the gym.  I thought that was odd at the time because the gym roof had been replaced at least once from a high wind storm.  The auditorium roof was reinforced.  We moved off stage in the dark to the gym.

Several of us went outside and watched as the tornado headed out into the township.  It was apparent that some of my classmates might lose their homes that night.  There were many emotions flowing in the gym.  We were fortunate that our families were in attendance at our graduation and at home.  Several of our classmates would spend hours trying to get home, only to find that their homes had been damaged or destroyed.  The following weeks were to be spent attending our Open Houses and rejoicing in the fact that we had made it through High School.  Some of the parties were cancelled.  Some where held by candlelight as they had no power otherwise.

I was a volunteer firefighter at the time.  Myself and one other classmate who was also a firefighter scrambled to the fire department.  We would spend the next couple weeks helping with search and rescue and clearing local roads.  We checked on the elderly and dug through rubble.  It really wasn’t the way I had envisioned spending my first month out of High School but we did what we needed to.  My Mom and aunts took pictures in my cap and gown because I took them off and jumped in my car to get to the station.  My only post graduation picture is me speeding out of the parking lot in my car with the blue light flashing.

As the years passed, debris could and can still be found in the trees along the tornado’s path.  The debris it caused in our lives will never be completely cleaned up either.  We were fortunate that, in 2005, our class was able to ‘Graduate’ during our 20th year reunion.  I was out of town and unable to attend but I created a website for the event.  Http://www.wmhsclassof85.com is maintained to this day partly as a future place for class information to be posted and partly as a memoriam to that fateful day in 1985 when we stepped out of our High School life and into a Hell that noone imaged would ever happen here.  I have other pictures of the aftermath and of graduation that I rumage through from time to time.  The memories of a night that should have been a very happy time are sometimes haunting.

To my classmates… I wish us all a Happy 28th Anniversary of our Graduation.  We survived some ‘rough weather’ getting here, but we made it. Ironically, there is a small chance of storms predicted for tonight.  The day is much the same as it was 28 years ago.  Let’s hope it ends differently.  I wouldn’t mind seeing blue sky and a starry night, myself.

Curtis Farster

West Middlesex High School Class of 1985

Its been 11 years since this garbage started in my back.  Each time the pain flares up, its seems to take longer and longer to recover.  The second epidural of this round has done well, but there is still some pain and irritation that doesn’t seem to want to go away.  The Pain Management Center where I have the epidurals done would like me to wait 4 or 5 weeks to see if I need the third one or not.

Recovery isn’t just getting the physical pain down to a tolerable level.  I say tolerable because I doubt it will ever completely go away, even with surgery.  There is also a very mental side of recovery as well.  This is where I’ve been stumbling lately.  I know that there are going to be limitations that I must impose on myself as I continue to live with the chronic pain.  Some of them are easy to accept… Some are not.  I don’t consider myself that old but at times the ole brain looks around for an old time porch and a rocking chair.  The pain makes me feel like I’m 86 instead of 46.

The hardest thing about dealing with my limitations mentally is the fact that there a lot of things that I can actually do.  There is no pain associated with the initial task at hand.  A day or so later, I begin to ache… or worse… feel the fiery pain of nerves being agitated in down my leg.  I just do these things without thinking.  The seriousness of this round and the trip to the surgeon have brought some things to the forefront of my thoughts.  I catch myself now saying “You really shouldn’t be doing this.  You know you’ll pay for this tomorrow.”

I am having to convince myself that its ‘ok’ to rest when my back says “Its time to take a break.”  I’ve also come to the conclusion, that in order to stave off surgery as long as possible, I am going to have to have someone else do things.  Mowing the grass, for instance is one of those things.  I can do it, but it really causes pain to flare from twisting and pushing.  Same goes for vacuuming.  It is such a simple sounding task but the pushing and twisting motion is just such that it hurts.  It doesn’t seem like much but the damage in my back is just right that I have to remember that its an off limits thing.

These simple tasks taken from my grasp have made me feel like I’m an invalid at 46.  I’m not in a wheel chair or walking with a walker (yet!) but doing these simple things could accelerate my injury to the point where I won’t be able to get around.  I am learning to accept that these things will cost me more in the long run to do them myself than I will pay to have someone do them for me now.  I am slowly starting to revamp how things are done in my life.  I don’t have a choice if I want to keep from under the surgeons knife as long as possible.

I’m starting with little things…  Having someone else mow the grass…  I bought an air seat for my motorcycle to lesson the pressure on my lower back… I guess I’ll need to find someone to clean unless I want to be up to my knees in cat fur.  I broke down and asked the doc for a Handicapped Parking Permit form.  I try to walk as much as I can tolerate but that amount is far less than it was just a year ago.  I may not use it except on really bad days, but I’ll have it.  I have Dad in the truck often too so I’ll have it when he’s along as well.  We cheat with his right now.  Dad keeps prodding me to use the electric carts when I’m shopping.  I just can’t bring myself to do that yet.  I walk a while and stop and rest.  If resting doesn’t relieve the pain… I just pack it in for the day and head home.  I see people riding those carts who don’t look like they need them.  I try not to judge because had this epidural not given me the relief it did, I would be riding one without a doubt.

There are larger things I’m looking at as well.  Things like buying a new bed.  The one I have is over 10 years old.  Its still in fairly good shape but it isn’t good for my back.  I started shopping around for beds recommended for people with back injuries.  WOW!  Talk about some $$$$!  I guess it will be worth it in the end but I have to pay some medical bills first.  For now, I have a queen size air mattress that I’m sleeping on.  Its one of those ones that imitates a mattress and box spring in height.   The only challenge I have with it right now is getting up off it.  It doesn’t have a frame under it so its a little lower than my normal bed.

I’m trying not to complain too much even though there has been more than one instance over the last month where the pain has been at levels that have brought tears.  I also know that there are folks out there far worse off than I am.   For now,  I will continue to do what I can…  What I can’t, I’ll have to pay someone to do or let it go.

On a brighter note… Doc changed my sugar meds to try to knock my sugar down.  It was high enough that he thought the surgeon would have an issue with doing back surgery.   This new med is working exceptionally well…  A couple times this week… TOO well.  I have started back on my weight loss routine.  Its a bit tough when you can’t exercise but I try to still move around as much as I can.  I’ve lost a couple more pounds.  I was hovering near 320 in January.  I managed to get down to 314 ish before my back took its fit.  Happily, I’m not down to 296 as of this morning.  This has a drastic effect on my sugar as well.  I will have to keep track of it and ask the doc to modify my meds as I keep losing.  I start experience drops in my sugar as the weight loss changes my bodies need for sugar.

Twice this past week my sugar bombed on me.  Earlier in the week, I caught it in the mid 80’s.  Yesterday, I was not as fortunate.  It dropped fast.  It was 71 when I checked it.  I am fortunate to get a little bit of warning before it bombs.  Around 110 or so, I start getting a weird headache.  Around mid 80’s, I start to get the shakes.  If I let it go much below 85, I start to break out in a cold sweat.  I know its time to get something sweet fast.  At that point, there is no eating dinner or running to get a sandwich.  It needs to be something that the sugar is quickly absorbed into my system… Juice, Jello, Pop… I carry Glucose lozenges in the truck for when I’m out.  Its a pain dealing with the drops but I’m glad its finally down in a range the diabetic dietitian and doc like.

So there you have it… Today’s post in a nutshell.  Hopefully, I haven’t bugged too many of  you with my back posts.  Maybe I could find a rich women who has a butler, maid and three gardeners…. One can dream can’t one?!

~ Cappy

I haven’t posted in the last couple weeks because of all the political garbage that has been floating around.  I was taught that your political views were your own and as such weren’t public.  I agree with that stance wholeheartedly.  Too many folks get inflamed over political things when you don’t agree with their views.  Rather than get a bunch of harassing comments or rants, I decided I would just avoid posting things during a political period.

I was depressed by the political crap of the last couple weeks.  I started seeking out humor to lift my spirits.  I’ve always been fond of musical humor.  I think I’ve watched just about every Victor Borge video on youtube at least twice now.  One of the things I really love about his humor is that its not vulgar.  I also love the fact that he is so musically talented that he can change around arrangements on almost anything.  I have seen several musicians with this talent but few can do it with the timing that is Victor Borge classic.  He doesn’t need to swear to be funny.  He doesn’t even have to tell jokes.  Most of his humor comes from the way he plays on a situation.  Victor helped keep things from getting too dark

Saturday we headed off for a motorcycle ride to take advantage of the fairly decent weather… ‘We’ being Beth, Bri, Jeff, Charlie and myself.  We rode up to Meadville Pa.  Jeff wanted to look for a pool cue in some billiards shop up there.  We also decided to stop over at Boot Box.  It was somewhat humorous watching Jeff try to figure out how to carry his new cue and case on his motorcycle.  After some trials and tribulation, Charlie strapped it to the front of his handlebars and we rode off.  Usually, our rides include a stop for dinner.  Jeff recommended TimberCreek Tap and Table.  It was on our way back so why not.  It ended up a little more expensive than what I would have preferred but the food and the facility were good.  Our ride ended well after dark.  I hadn’t realized that my legs were cold until I walked back in the house.  Any ride is a good ride if you survive it, so all was well.

Sunday, I woke up in pain.  My back was tight.  I had spasms going down my right leg and out through my foot.  These weren’t the massive spasms that I get when my back goes completely off kilter, but they were enough to make me uncomfortable all day.  I decided not ride Sunday even though the weather was better than it was on Saturday.  Tink enjoyed my presence all day.  She laid on the bed with me as I tried to rest.   He loud purr is very calming to my wired brain and she enjoys the extra scratches.  I went out to grab some dinner.  I noticed a truck painted with an advertisement for Planet Fitness.  Planet Fitness would be opening a new gym in the plaza.  I though about checking it out a little further.  Naturally, I forget about doing that.

I noted several friends were saying they joined.  I gave it some thought and decided I needed more info.  I’ve looked into gym memberships in the past but never really got serious enough to actually join.  The prices at Planet Fitness looked pretty decent.  They cater to the average Joe, not body builders and the like.  “Hmmm… Maybe this is what I need to do.” I thought.  My normal way of getting exercise is walking but I get bored easily with that and my back doesn’t always like it.  My thoughts are that a gym membership will give me access to someone who knows how the machines work and what will work with my back. 

I went up to the storefront where they have their offices setup.  I met the Regional Manager and one of the Trainers.  They went through the sales pitch.  I had a few questions which they answered.  I decided this is definately something I need to do.  It will help me control my weight which should help my back and my diabetes.  I also think that having a variety of things to do in one place will help me ‘want’ to exercise more.  I wasn’t sure whether I would have the ambition to go through with this or not.  After talking to the folks up there and chatting with an older women who was a member in New York, I’m looking forward to giving it the effort.  I’m expecting the first few outings will kill my back, but maybe, as time goes by, my back muscles will loosen and other muscles will strengthen and my back will feel better.  They open in December.  I’m looking forward to it.

I’ve been told that if you wallow in your status, nothing will change.  You have to move in some direction if you want something to change.  This is my first step.  I’m tired of my life as it is.  My hope is that as my body becomes more responsive, my mind will follow suit.  My goal is to feel better enough about myself to change a few other things in my life.  Time will tell.  For the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to the journey. 

Stick around and see where it goes… maybe even give me a kick in the backside if I need it… (I should probably not have typed that as I know some of you will do so should the opportunity arise).

~Cappy

… I have no idea what to call this one, so I went with that.

As recent days have lingered on, I have tried to push away the dark cloud that has possessed my life lately (See last post). I’ve have searched the web for humor, looked for humor in situations in day to day life and tried to avoid anything that would pop my overpressurized cork.

My trip to the doc the other day didn’t go as bad as I thought it might. Sugar wasn’t quite as high as I thought it might be but it was too high non–the-less. I wasn’t surprised to hear that my kidneys are somewhat damaged. Over the last year, I’ve seen changes in my body more than likely related to my sugar levels. My sugar levels were way high last Christmas (over 400 for a rather long period of time). Some of it I attribute to the number of sweets and amount of food folks brought Dad and I. I think I had 4 plates of cookies brought to me. I lost count of all the stuff we received. I really appreciate all the things people did for us. Christmas last year was much harder for me than the first Christmas after Mom’s death. I’m not looking forward to this year either.

I’m not blaming my high sugar on anyone but myself. I chose to eat all those good things. When I started to notice vision changes, I began to realize what was going on and started to give things away. I felt I had to get my sugar back under control to get my life back under control. It hasn’t been easy. I gained back alot of the almost 80 pounds of weight I’d lost. Depression never really subsided. I think I just covered it up… buried it as it were. The doctor’s appointment this week brought a few realizations that I think I had also buried. I am my father’s son. I have all the health ailments he has. In time, my kidneys will probably go amiss. I need to do things to try to elongate the time in which that kind of damage takes place. The only way to do that is to get my weight down which will also bring my sugar down as well.

One of the things I can do to lower my sugar faster is exercise. It doesn’t have to be 26 hours, 8 days a week, just more than sedimentary. My back, however, seems to have other ideas. I have been having consistant and higher than normal levels of pain in my lower back. I go walking for even a few minutes and end up with throbbing pain that radiates down my legs the more tired and sore my back gets. I walked around Lowe’s with Dad yesterday. I think we were there a half an hour. I came home and layed down. My back and left leg (normally my good leg) throbbing with pain. I didn’t even get the bike out today because I was hurting. It ended up being good that I didn’t because it rained for a bit.

Speaking of the trip to Lowe’s… I didn’t go there with Dad. I just happened to go there at the same time. On weekends, we tend to do our own things. For those who know Dad, he has a knack for finding ‘deals’, whether its at garage sales or stores. Sometimes these deals are really great and very useful. Most of the time, however, he buys things he doesn’t really need. This drove Mom nuts but she didn’t say much, at least not in front of anyone. I guess it was better than him going out drinking or something else. Had I not been with him, I might have ended up with a deep freeze. He sees things on sale and buys them whether they are needed or not. They had a deep freeze with a ding in the lower right corner that was on sale. He had his eyes fixed on it. It took a bit to get him to realize he didn’t really need it… neither do I. There are so many things at his house that he really doesn’t need. I wish I could count them all. He vowed he would never leave me with the mess that his dad left the family. Ummmm…. Its a better quality of mess, but its a mess none the less. I hope as the year progresses that I can get a hold on my own health. Dad will get himself pulled together. All will be well with the world as we know it.

I had a dinner invitation week before last with a lady that is really special in my life. I had hoped that one day she and her daughter would be part of my world. It didn’t work out that way. We became friends and she went on to meet and marry someone else. I don’t know why I agreed to meet her husband and have dinner with them. Its a very uncomfortable thought to me. I feel like I will be a third wheel or cause problems between her and her husband. She says she has told him all about me and he wants to meet me. I don’t know if I should or not. She had to cancel dinner on the original date. I was kind of relieved. I need someone in my life right now to keep me grounded and going in the right direction. She says any time I need to talk I should call her. I don’t want to become that stumbling block in her marriage because she is trying to help me out of my own deep hole. I cherrish our friendship and don’t to hurt her by saying no. I have to figure this out along with all the other junk in my life. Sooner than later I hope.

There is something that I wish I could do this year instead of celebrating Christmas. I can’t afford to make it happen, but if I could find a way it would. Christmas was Mom’s time. There was one time that was even more special than all the other ‘special’ things that made her cry at Christmas… That was the year we spent Christmas week in Florida with Grandma and Grandpa. We went to Disney World. Disney is a special place any time, but at Christmas… I haven’t seen anything that can beat it. Mom cried almost from the moment we hit Mainstreet. I would love to be able to take off and drive down to Disney with Dad. I doubt he would go. I asked him when I went last year and he declined because he didn’t want to tie me down. One day… I will get back there over the Christmas season. I’d love to do it before my back won’t let me and my before my faith is so far gone that even the brightest lights of the holidays can’t penetrate my dark heart.

Until then… I will take one step at a time. Cross each obstacle as it comes. One day, hopefully, I will be able to feel the light inside I used to feel.

I made it to the end of the three day Labor Day weekend in one piece.  This weekend took a little more prep than my normal weekend would have.  I was privileged to help out my friend Rick and his fiance Kelly with their wedding and reception.  I knew there would be things that would aggravate my back but that would be ok because it was for a very worthy cause.

I’ve known Rick White since high school.  Rick was a few years behind me.  My first funny memory of him is during Jazz Rock when he performed Janet Jackson’s “Pleasure Principle” Dance, including the chair. (See it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-gu1KETjVY).  Rick and his best friend Rob started dj’ing while in high school.  They used a simple boom box and the school’s PA gear at the start.  I handled the school’s audio gear the whole time I was in school.  Little did I know that relationship would continue until this very day.

Through the years Rick put together various levels of dj gear and began going by R n R Rock n Roll Express.  He and Rob had quite an arsenal of music starting with records and cassette tapes through CD’s.  Their collection has grown into multiple large road cases of CD’s.  I couldn’t even estimate the number CDs R n R has.  I CAN tell you how heavy the cases are. LOL.  R n R has become well known for doing wedding’s and special events.  I play the tech guy.  I used to help them setup a lot.  My back has taken a bad turn so I can’t lift like I used to.  I still go out for special circumstances to tune the system or diagnose a problem Rick may be having.  More on that in a bit…

Rick carries in the image of his dad, Gaylord.  Gay was a janitor at the school.  He was probably the most known person in the area.  Gay would do just about anything for anyone.  Rick is very much the same.  Every year, for the last 10+ years, Rick has gone out and organized a 4th of July party.  The Party on the White House Lawn has gone from a few friends to practically the whole town and then some.  Rick, too, has become a town fixture.  Over the last 4 or 5 years, Rick has had a new side kick… Kelly.  I haven’t known Kelly near as long as Rick but she is a great lady.  I’m sure she and Rick will be together a long time.   I wasn’t surprised when I heard Rick and Kelly were engaged.

Rick has a little personality trait that I knew would surface for the wedding.  Face it.. We all have little quirks that show up from time to time.  Rick likes to plan things out and its not really such a bad thing.  He puts a lot of effort into every project he does, whether its DJing someone else’s wedding or the 4th of July Party.   If it is to be done, It is to be done the best Rick can do it.  He and Kelly’s wedding day would be no different.  Over the time since their engagement, Rick has been working out the details in his usual way.  Along the way, the decision was made that he would DJ his own wedding.  I tried to talk him out of it a couple times, but I knew he had set his mind to it.  It really wasn’t a bad idea.  It saved them a ton of money and he would know how reliable the DJ was.

As time counted down to Rick and Kelly’s big day, Rick and I talked about how things would go.  He was going to record all the announcements and introductions for the reception in his own voice.  He did the same thing for Rob’s wedding and I ran the system that day with some help.  Those were the day’s of changing CDs for every song.   I asked if there was anything Rick wanted me to do for the wedding.  He hadn’t officially asked me to DJ or to help, but I knew he would feel more comfortable if I was involved.  I haven’t been helping he and Rob DJ much lately because lifting bothers my back.  Rick was concerned about my back being aggravated.   I told him I wasn’t worried about it and would do whatever I could.  The first item would be to make sure the music they needed at the church could be played through the church’s sound system.  It was left at that until this past week.

I asked if there was anything else he wanted me to do.  I offered to hook up to the trailer and take care of getting the DJ gear packed up after the reception.  We talked about having the bridal party help load the gear.  I didn’t like that idea.  In my opinion, this was a special time that Rick and Kelly needed to share with each other and with the special folks they selected for the bridal party.  I made up my mind I would find someone to help me so that Rick and Kelly didn’t have to worry about anything.  I chose to call my friend Dave without Rick’s knowledge.  Dave is a music buff and I know he would take the same kind of care Rick and I would with the DJ gear.   He confirmed he would help.  I let Rick know that he was to spend the evening with Kelly and the bridal party was also not to worry about the DJ stuff.

Thursday arrived.  Rick text-ed me that he couldn’t get his iPod to play through the church’s sound system.  I gave a few suggestions over text but it still wouldn’t work.  The last suggestion was to hook up to a different input on the board (I recognized the board model from the pict he sent me).  He would go get the needed connectors and call me when he got back to the church.  He didn’t call.  I figured I would just stop down after work.  Sure enough, the new setup worked.  We discussed when things would need to be played and that they really could use another lavaliere microphone for the second pastor.  I called a friend at another church to see if I could borrow one of their extra mics.  I got the go ahead.

On Friday, I picked up the extra mic on the way home and then headed to the church for Kelly and Rick’s rehearsal.  There were several items that needed done at the church for the wedding.  Things would also need moved to Rick’s mom’s house after the wedding.  I volunteered to take care of those things.  A few more things Rick could cross off his list of things to be nervous about.  This is the place where I say… “Yes… List”  As I noted earlier, Rick likes to plan things out.  I knew he would have an itinerary all laid out.  I wasn’t surprised, on Thursday night, when he pulled out a notebook and several copies of the timed itinerary, emergency contacts and names of the bridal party spelled out phonetically.

After the Rehearsal Dinner, someone got a hold of Rick’s list.  He took quite a bit of razzing from that point on.  Understand, this wasn’t some chicken scratch on a paper, this was a timed to the minute ITINERARY.  I’m sure he had even driven the route from the church to the park where they took pictures to the hall just to make sure everything worked out.  You may think this as a bit over-the-top.  I don’t.  I did another wedding 3 weeks ago that had no itinerary.  The bride arrived less than 20 minutes  before she was to walk down the isle (over an hour late from when she was to arrive).  Trust me.  Kelly and Rick’s wedding went much better than that one.

I took care of the things between the wedding and the reception.  I got to the hall about an hour before needed so that I could review the music and announcements Rick recorded.  I kind of made a decision in my own mind that I would use the announcements/introductions that were prerecorded with music mixed and the one with the bridal party intros on it.  The other couple were ones that could be delayed by the time it took for people to get in place.   I would do those couple things myself.   The first item of business was toasts.  No announcement for that one.  I just had to get the mic to the maid of honor and best men and get back to run the volume.  The second item of business was the cake cutting.  I used Rick’s announcement for this.  The guests got a HUGE chuckle as Rick’s voice made the announcement while I was retrieving the mic.

When all was said and done, Dave and I loaded the trailer.  We took it back to the house and unloaded it.  I could have left stuff in the trailer, but I know Rick prefers it unloaded so that’s what we did without question.  I went to the West Middlesex Diner after unhooking the trailer.  My back and legs were aching and tired.  I was shaking.  I’m not sure whether it was my sugar being low or I was just THAT tired.  I spent the rest of the weekend recovering.

I wish Kelly and Rick a long and Happy Marriage.  I’m glad I was able to be part of their special day.  They are enjoying their Honeymoon at Disney World.  I am going back to work in the morning.  They’ll have much more fun.  HAHA!

That’s all for tonight (as if that isn’t enough!)…

~Cappy

I sit here in the office enjoying the quiet.  The week is drawing to a close but that doesn’t mean an end to my schedule.  I leave here and head to the church to help with Rick n Kelly’s wedding.   Rehearsal is tonight.  The wedding and reception are tomorrow.  I’ve known Rick since highschool.  I’m glad to help him with the audio portion of their special day.

Friday and Saturday are pretty well set.  Sunday will be determined by the weather and how my back feels.   I may take a motorcycle ride somewhere.  I may not.  Monday, they are calling for the leading edge of Isaac to show up.  Total rain totals are being project in the 3+ inches ranges.  I know we need the rain but ummmmmm…. I didn’t want to have to drive a boat to work on Tuesday.

Over the next week, I need to get some things accomplished around the house and on the bike.  I probably should get the atv out and begin the process of getting her ready for winter as well.  Its hard to believe we are going into September already.  I remember riding in February and early March like it was yesterday.   Time flies I guess….

A couple of my motorcycle riding friends have started pushing me to get a touring motorcycle.  They do some fairly long rides in the fall.  I don’t know if my back will tolerate a long run even with the seat and suspension of a Gold Wing or the like.  I like Maggie and have a blast riding around the area.  Its nice to notice the difference in how she is running.  I don’t want to spend the money on a touring bike just to ride locally.  I must say that I have wondered what it would be like to take a run down to North Carolina with the guys.  They seem to have a lot of fun on those rides.

Speaking of trips… This year sucked on the trip level.  I had hoped to at least get away for a weekend.   Finances and other things didn’t permit it so I guess I’ll have to try and plan something else in the spring and save up for it.  I’m glad I took the Disney trip when I did.  Right now, I don’t know if I could trudge around all day in a park or not.  If anyone would like to fund some research, I would be more than happy to head down around Christmas time to test my stamina.  🙂  I’ll even write a report on the findings.

Its almost time to shift gears and go do the audio thing.  When I get home tonight, Maggie will go in the barn because I’ll be towing Rick’s Trailer tomorrow.  She’s had a pretty good week.  I don’ t think the same can be said for me… too many spasms in both legs over the last couple days.  Let’s see what the weekend brings…

~Cappy

I haven’t posted here in about a week.   Its been a long week and I really haven’t known how to express what I’m feeling.  Depression has once again tightened its grip on me.   There have been times this week when I could have just screamed at everyone for no reason at all.  It was a lot of work just making it through the day without exploding.  I just want to be left alone to my own devices, yet I long for the right person to be there.  That person just doesn’t exist in my life and I guess they never will.

I’ve always been comfortable by myself.  I feel like such an outsider when I am in a crowded room, so much so, that I often feel more alone there than when I’m out cruising through the country side on my motorcycle.  The events of these past couple of weeks have reminded me just how alone I will be one day.

I feel old this week… very old.  I can’t say that I feel sick.  Depression has just drained my batteries.  I look at the things going on with Dad and want to curl up in a ball and cry.  I know that one day, whether its next month or 10 years down the road, I will be the last of my family.  Who will take care of me when I reach the end of my days?  I have no one.  This bother’s me more than anything I face taking care of Dad (or Mom when she was still with us).  When they are gone… I will truly be alone.  My plan is to have everything prepared so that none of my friends at the time get ‘stuck’ with me or carrying out my final arrangements.  As far as I am concerned, there need not be any calling hours or service.  The plot is already there in Haywood Cemetery beside Mom and Dad’s lots.

I ‘ve thought a lot about what I want done if I should come down with Cancer or some other terminal illness too.  No chemo. No radical treatments.  Let me rot away.   I don’t want to go through all of the rounds of successive sickness caused not by the disease but by the cure.  I will take the end as it comes.  This may sound awfully morbid to some of you (if anyone even reads this stupid thing).   I’ve had many nights of tears in the last couple of years.  Selfish as it may be, since I’m not strong enough to take my own, I will just let life take itself unimpeded by doctor’s guesses and hocus pocus.

I am no where near, at this age, where I thought I would be  when I graduated high school.  I had all these dreams.  One by one they  evaporated.  People tell me that you make your dreams into reality or that I could go back to school and learn a different path.  I’ve lost that drive.  Were that drive still alive in me, I would not be sitting in the job I now hold.  I would have taken the high road like my friends have done.  Instead, I let depression steal my faith, my dreams and my desires.  I no longer have the confidence in myself to take the leap of faith and move on.   Too many times, that leap has left me laying face down on the concrete, disappointed with my bad decisions.

Desires… I always thought I would get married and have kids not long after high school.  Again, I set goals that landed me flat on my ass.  For the longest time I chased financial stability instead of taking the time to find the right person.  I finally realized that I needed to be satisfied with who I was and try to settle down.  I began pushing to find someone.   Time and time, I became the brother or the special friend.   Every time this happened a new wall went up around my heart.   I finally thought I found someone and tore down those walls, only to find they too had walls and I was not their answer.  I finally gave up completely and have resigned myself to the fact that I will die alone,  possibly more alone than I can imagine.   I guess that’s better than becoming another divorce statistic… who knows.

I talk about my cat, Tink, a lot.  She has been the one saving grace in my life.  She seems to know when I’m down.  Even as I write this, she occasionally comes in and rubs around my leg or reaches up to my arm to get my attention.  She and I have had many ‘talks’ since I got her.   She probably thinks I”m crazy too.  At least she doesn’t say it.

I joked around earlier in a Twitter/Facebook post that I should go out and get drunk like the rest of the world.  It doesn’t work for me.  I never saw how making yourself feel sick helped anything.  It’s not my way of defining ‘a fun weekend’.   That said… maybe that is half the problem.  My definition and the rest of the world’s don’t match.   I don’t fit in.  Oh well.  You live until you die and then it doesn’t matter any way.

Enough for tonight.

~Cappy