Its been 11 years since this garbage started in my back. Each time the pain flares up, its seems to take longer and longer to recover. The second epidural of this round has done well, but there is still some pain and irritation that doesn’t seem to want to go away. The Pain Management Center where I have the epidurals done would like me to wait 4 or 5 weeks to see if I need the third one or not.
Recovery isn’t just getting the physical pain down to a tolerable level. I say tolerable because I doubt it will ever completely go away, even with surgery. There is also a very mental side of recovery as well. This is where I’ve been stumbling lately. I know that there are going to be limitations that I must impose on myself as I continue to live with the chronic pain. Some of them are easy to accept… Some are not. I don’t consider myself that old but at times the ole brain looks around for an old time porch and a rocking chair. The pain makes me feel like I’m 86 instead of 46.
The hardest thing about dealing with my limitations mentally is the fact that there a lot of things that I can actually do. There is no pain associated with the initial task at hand. A day or so later, I begin to ache… or worse… feel the fiery pain of nerves being agitated in down my leg. I just do these things without thinking. The seriousness of this round and the trip to the surgeon have brought some things to the forefront of my thoughts. I catch myself now saying “You really shouldn’t be doing this. You know you’ll pay for this tomorrow.”
I am having to convince myself that its ‘ok’ to rest when my back says “Its time to take a break.” I’ve also come to the conclusion, that in order to stave off surgery as long as possible, I am going to have to have someone else do things. Mowing the grass, for instance is one of those things. I can do it, but it really causes pain to flare from twisting and pushing. Same goes for vacuuming. It is such a simple sounding task but the pushing and twisting motion is just such that it hurts. It doesn’t seem like much but the damage in my back is just right that I have to remember that its an off limits thing.
These simple tasks taken from my grasp have made me feel like I’m an invalid at 46. I’m not in a wheel chair or walking with a walker (yet!) but doing these simple things could accelerate my injury to the point where I won’t be able to get around. I am learning to accept that these things will cost me more in the long run to do them myself than I will pay to have someone do them for me now. I am slowly starting to revamp how things are done in my life. I don’t have a choice if I want to keep from under the surgeons knife as long as possible.
I’m starting with little things… Having someone else mow the grass… I bought an air seat for my motorcycle to lesson the pressure on my lower back… I guess I’ll need to find someone to clean unless I want to be up to my knees in cat fur. I broke down and asked the doc for a Handicapped Parking Permit form. I try to walk as much as I can tolerate but that amount is far less than it was just a year ago. I may not use it except on really bad days, but I’ll have it. I have Dad in the truck often too so I’ll have it when he’s along as well. We cheat with his right now. Dad keeps prodding me to use the electric carts when I’m shopping. I just can’t bring myself to do that yet. I walk a while and stop and rest. If resting doesn’t relieve the pain… I just pack it in for the day and head home. I see people riding those carts who don’t look like they need them. I try not to judge because had this epidural not given me the relief it did, I would be riding one without a doubt.
There are larger things I’m looking at as well. Things like buying a new bed. The one I have is over 10 years old. Its still in fairly good shape but it isn’t good for my back. I started shopping around for beds recommended for people with back injuries. WOW! Talk about some $$$$! I guess it will be worth it in the end but I have to pay some medical bills first. For now, I have a queen size air mattress that I’m sleeping on. Its one of those ones that imitates a mattress and box spring in height. The only challenge I have with it right now is getting up off it. It doesn’t have a frame under it so its a little lower than my normal bed.
I’m trying not to complain too much even though there has been more than one instance over the last month where the pain has been at levels that have brought tears. I also know that there are folks out there far worse off than I am. For now, I will continue to do what I can… What I can’t, I’ll have to pay someone to do or let it go.
On a brighter note… Doc changed my sugar meds to try to knock my sugar down. It was high enough that he thought the surgeon would have an issue with doing back surgery. This new med is working exceptionally well… A couple times this week… TOO well. I have started back on my weight loss routine. Its a bit tough when you can’t exercise but I try to still move around as much as I can. I’ve lost a couple more pounds. I was hovering near 320 in January. I managed to get down to 314 ish before my back took its fit. Happily, I’m not down to 296 as of this morning. This has a drastic effect on my sugar as well. I will have to keep track of it and ask the doc to modify my meds as I keep losing. I start experience drops in my sugar as the weight loss changes my bodies need for sugar.
Twice this past week my sugar bombed on me. Earlier in the week, I caught it in the mid 80’s. Yesterday, I was not as fortunate. It dropped fast. It was 71 when I checked it. I am fortunate to get a little bit of warning before it bombs. Around 110 or so, I start getting a weird headache. Around mid 80’s, I start to get the shakes. If I let it go much below 85, I start to break out in a cold sweat. I know its time to get something sweet fast. At that point, there is no eating dinner or running to get a sandwich. It needs to be something that the sugar is quickly absorbed into my system… Juice, Jello, Pop… I carry Glucose lozenges in the truck for when I’m out. Its a pain dealing with the drops but I’m glad its finally down in a range the diabetic dietitian and doc like.
So there you have it… Today’s post in a nutshell. Hopefully, I haven’t bugged too many of you with my back posts. Maybe I could find a rich women who has a butler, maid and three gardeners…. One can dream can’t one?!
~ Cappy