… shoulder and back.  What did you think I was going to say?

I spent the whole weekend medicated trying to get rid of the tightness in my left shoulder and spine.  Doc says my ribs are out of place and probably won’t go back on their own.  Nice that he called me back after I did what he asked and called him today (Sarcasm there… Neither He nor anyone else in the office for that matter,  called me back).

This whole past couple of weeks have been a pain in the … Depression has been running at a high.. or would that be low?  It’s been ugly.  I can’t ride the motorcycle right now between the pain and the effects of the medicines.  I’ve been just trying to deal.  Deal… yeah, right.  Basically, that means I’ve slept most of the time when I wasn’t required to be somewhere.

I forgot to take my muscle relaxer tonight.  I can feel it.  I really don’t want to take another one, but who knows if I can sleep without it.  I damn sure can sleep with it.  That’s all I did all day Saturday.  I feel like that is all I’ve been doing.  The hours that I am awake have been in a semi-stupor so I guess sleeping is better.

I know people say that you shouldn’t be down on yourself and “Only you can change the things you don’t like”.  I’ve heard that a lot lately.    I spent the last 5 months pushing myself to be happier and all it has gotten me is a bigger fall back into depression.  I guess I just haven’t found my “Happy Thought” yet.  I’m beginning to wonder what that is anymore.

I need to sort my life out.  I’ve seen a couple of motivational readings over the last few days that struck home in a very damaging way.  The advice they give seems sound enough if everything continues to improve but it doesn’t take into account the fact that sometimes you aren’t in control of all the pieces of the puzzle.  I guess this is where people, much stronger than me, just say “To Hell with this!” and make the leap of faith to quit and move on to something else… making a clean break with their problems, as it were.

There are a couple of decisions that I should make this week.  I just don’t know if I’m up for the challenge.  Then again… If there is no challenge, there is very little to learn.  I think I’m afraid that certain people have put me on a pedestal and it will be a hard fall if I can’t meet their standards.  I don’t need any more falls right now.   I should jump… Make the proverbial leap, but I’m afraid.  I don’t even know why I’m afraid, but standing here… Looking over the edge… I shake.  I close my eyes as tears well up.  Where has the courage gone?  I feel trapped inside my own cage of self doubt and the worthless feeling it creates.

I wish I knew which way to go, instead of stumbling around.  I’m rambling… I know it.  My thoughts have gone astray tonight.  I guess I’ll go to bed and hope I wake up in a better mood in the morning.

Toodles.

~Cappy

Our Memories Book to keep track of things that were important to us at that time.

I know this is going to go up late, but I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to post anything this year.  The image is the cover of the Memories book we received with our Graduation supplies.  I keep it up on the computer desk hutch.  I don’t know why.  There isn’t much in it.  At times, I wish I could forget May 31st, 1985.  It was a day that we should have cherished as a major stepping stone in our lives.  A damned tornado took care of that. I posted/shared a couple news articles earlier that had some detail about the tornado that changed our lives in ways none of ‘The Class of 85’ would have ever dreamed as we sat on the stage in the auditorium.  I look back now at these few memories and wish I had done more.

On the inside the front cover of Memories, it says “Memories of some of the best times of my life”.  There is some irony.  There were few things I liked about school, but there are a few good memories.  Typical of my school years, the second page says “Mount your picture here”…  No picture.  My name and things are filled in but I think I did that 5 years later.

In the next pages marked “Vital Statistics” and “The Past”, there is nothing written.  I have a picture of the Big Red Marching Band which I proudly was a part of.  Note how much of the bleachers we took up at the time.  We had over 100 people in the band alone plus we had the Sundancers.

The next pages “Special Favorites” and “And More” are also blank.  Here I have a picture of the WM Volunteer Fire Department in what looks to be the Homecoming Parade.  I probably was in one of the Fire Trucks.  I didn’t go to any of the school dances.  To this day, I’m not much of a dancer.  I wasn’t much of a ‘chick magnet’ either.  I was kind of a loner… pretty much just like today.

Most of my school events were spent behind the scenes doing lights and/or sound, playing in the band or doing some other required work that usually got little recognition. The next section “Class Schedule” and “Faculty Favorites” are also void of writing.  In between these pages was this picture from Jazz Band.  I guess I would classify Mr. Manhollan as one of my favorites.  I enjoyed band for the most part.  I enjoy many kinds of music to this day, probably due to my participation in band.

Between the next pages, labeled “Fall Sports” (again, nothing written), is a picture of the place I got my start in doing lighting and sound.  My first job doing lighting and sound was sitting up in the crawl space above the auditorium, turning on and off a switch that started the mirror ball.  From there I progressed to Assistant Stage Manager, Stage Manager and even being hired back for a performance or two of other things the school was doing.

The picture is of Jazz Rock Ensemble.  I truly enjoyed Jazz Rock.  I got to tinker with many things that would lead me to many other things after school.  Those were fun times.

The group did a tour of local schools one year.  We performed at Buhl Park.  We even went with the Concert Choir to the William Penn Hotel.  I got to go just because I was a member of the crew.  We didn’t drag any lights or sound with us on that trip.  We went on a Dinner Cruise on the Gateway Clipper after the William Penn performance.  Somewhere along the line, someone got wind of the fact that the Ensemble was there.  Could have been that we were all wearing the same Burgundy and Blue sweaters for our Christmas Show.  Needless to say, they asked the group to perform.  I actually ran lights… well… Ok.  I flipped the wall switches that controlled the track lights above the dance floor.

There are a few empty pages and then we come to the name Name Cards Page. Pat Goodwin and Tammy Green are the only other two classmates that I got cards from.  Jim Blaire, made a piece of paper with his name on it and put it in there as well.

“Memories of that Special Someone”, “Those Special Times to Remember”, “Spring Break”, “Spring Sports” and on and on… all empty.  Then we come to the pages “Graduation and Celebration”.  These pages remained blank until May 21st, 1996.  The movie “Twister” had just come out.  Seeing it brought back many vivid images of the night of Graduation and the days that followed.  Those images jarred my memory.  I sat down and wrote on both pages.  Thoughts, feelings, memories and even how things I saw in the movie compared to the ‘real thing’.  I don’t think I knew it then, but the tornado that went through here was classified an F5.  The one in the movie was only an F4.  I dated the page at 12:29 AM May 21, 1996.

Again, a few more blank pages pass.  We arrive at the pages of my Memories book that have A LOT of writing on them… “Autographs”.  There are many things written here that I value now that I’m older.  Friendships still strong… Old friends that I now talk to through Facebook or other social media.  Kind words and silliness that bring smiles and tears in the same moment.   The Autographs continue to the next page.

In between these pages are stuck, the Rules for conducting yourself during the ceremony, the stage plot with arrows showing where to walk and the seating chart where each Classmate would sit on stage.  I didn’t scan any of that because they were crappy copies to start with and you wouldn’t be able to read them.

The next page is blank “Looking Ahead”  The final page and inside cover are titled “Memories”.  In February of 1990, I wrote out my “Memories” of May 31st, 1985.  There seems to be some anger in these words… A lot of hurt.  I even mention the thought of having a reenactment of The Class of 85’s graduation for our reunion.  It took 20 years, but the class did have its day on the stage.  I wasn’t able to be there but I captured the moments via photos and such on a website for the class  www.wmhsclassof85.com.

Graduation 20 Years Later

So there you have it… 29 years gone by.   We have only lost one Classmate that I am aware of… Tiffany Bartel.  We’re all a little older.  We survived the horrible tragedy that struck our valley on what was supposed to be one of the best nights of our lives.  Seeing the news articles and weather data from that day so long ago, that sometimes feels like only yesterday, brings back many feelings.  I still feel for the families of those in the area that lost loved ones.  The damage the tornado caused was so random, ripping up one side of the street completely, but leaving the house 100 ft away totally intact.  I will remember that night.  We will remember that night… The West Middlesex Class of 1985

~Curtis

There was a time not long ago when that headline would have read “Depression… The New Normal.”   While depression is still a part of my life, I have been trying to work to be a happier, more positive person.  I have many more good days than bad now.  The problem is… The bad days are worse.

I find myself facing daily frustrations.  I’m trying to accept that bad days happen and you just need to work around them.  It gets ugly some days.  I get the feeling that I’m the cause… like I’m somehow unconciously doing something to trip myself up.  I have always had trouble processing compliments.  When these frustrations happen, I get even more unsure if someone is truly complimenting me or just blowing smoke to throw me off.

As a fan of Mythbusters, I have admired the outlook that Adam Savage has on learning because that’s how I feel I have learned.  He believes that having knowledge of different jobs and tools is much better than focusing on mastering just one thing.  I have done this my whole life.  I  learn the things I need to know to do something and leave the fluff behind.

I get complimented all the time on how ‘smart’ I am.  I don’t really believe that I am that much smarter than anyone else.  I do believe that when faced with challenges, I have chosen to absorb the information that I need to get the job done.  As such, I do what needs to be done to reach my goal.   A lot of times I feel like what makes me appear smart to others is simply that I choose to apply common sense in a day and age where most people don’t really understand the phrase “common sense”.

I get really… and I do mean really… frustrated when I see something that appears to be such an obvious solution sitting right in front of someone and they either choose to ignore it or are simply too blind to see it.  I was told once by someone I used to hold in high regard that I needed to bite my tongue when this happens.  Needless to say, that person then set me up for a fall and I lost respect for them.  Now, I choose when to bite my tongue and when to ‘have at it’ as it were.  Sometimes, people just need to have their eyes opened.  Several things are going on in my life right now that are just tearing at me.  I want to quit but I know that only hurts me and then there is no chance to change the outcome.  I need to “have at it”, but in the correct manner.

My frustation sometimes comes from lack of knowledge… either mine or someone elses.  In the case of it being my short-coming, I get a lift when I finally figure out what I was missing and can comit it to memory.  I have always enjoyed learning useful stuff… and sometimes not so useful stuff.  When it seems like its someone elses lack of knowledge, I get frustrated beyond sanity, especially when there is no attempt on the other person’s part to even try.  Most people are smarter than they think.  They just need to open their eyes, ears and brains and shut their mouths for a second.

I am usually a loner.  It wasn’t until recently that I began to understand why.  It has nothing to do with liking or not liking people.  I has to do with the comfort level I have with the way they handle their knowledge.  I don’t like being uncomfortable, especially when I can’t control what is going on.  I don’t feel like a control freak but there are sometimes I just want to say “Can’t you see what your are doing!?… It’s right there!!”  Rather than make myself into a pompous, arrogant ass, I just go my own way.

I hope the things that are really bugging me right now work out in the end.  I’ve been on the edge of ‘quitting’ for some time and I’m teatering.  I keep trying… hoping… that I will learn something I can add to my store of knowledge and in some way make these things successful.

I developed the motto “Don’t take it personal.  It is what it is.  Do what you can.  What you can’t control… You can’t control.”

Just my thoughts.

~Cappy

… Some people just don’t get it.

I am a fan of the band RUSH.  Today, Singer/Keyboard/Bass Player, Geddy Lee issued a formal apology to those in attendance at their concert last night.  Approaching storms forced the decision to end the concert early.  As I read through the comments posted to the apology, I cringed at a couple of the responses.  Comments ranged from thanking the band for thinking of the crowd’s safety to the other extreme of being upset that they didn’t get the whole ticket value that they paid for.

As someone who has worked many outdoor events, I understand the dilema that comes about when a storm threatens.  I have worked as Head of Security for a local dirt race track, done various outdoor events with sound and lighting equipment, and volunteered for many events as general help.  I have seen the effects first hand of dealing with storms during an event.

I have been the one who made the final call to clear the stands and stop the show.  It is not an easy decision to make.  Several things have to be taken into account when making those decisions.  Obviously, the safety of your customers/audience has to be first and foremost.  The safety of your crew sometimes must take a backseat to that of your audience.  You have to make sure the audience is able to get to a safe location before you let your employees go.  This is especially true of Security and Safety personnel.

The location itself plays a major part in making the determination whether to cancel or postpone the show.  A covered location that provides protection to your crew and the audience may allow you to continue with the show or stop the event to allow the danger to pass.  Metal grandstands or muddy grounds must also be taken into account.  It may be more dangerous to move a mass of people than to keep them in a semi sheltered area.  Many other factors are weighed at the time.

On top of deciding when to stop the show, you have to work the decision of what to do with the remainder of the show.  How long will it take to get people out of harms when?  How long will it take to get the facility and equipment back in operation after the delay?  How long will it take to get people back in?  Will the storms pass quickly?  Will they dump a lot of rain?  How much rain can the grounds and parking area tolerate before they become an issue?  If you resume the event, how late will it run?  Will running late violate any contracts or curfews?  If you decide to cancel the remaing event, do you have a date to reschedule.  What is the cost of rescheduling for another date? What is the cost of issuing rainchecks?  All this and a whole lot more gets run through before the management chain before a call is made.

Sometimes the best call ‘for safety’s sake’ is just shut the event down and evacuate the venue.  People were griping at RUSH because the thunderstorms never materialized.  You can’t always predict the weather.  I don’t know how many times we cancelled racing and then the sun came out.  All signs at the time pointed to the fact that it was going to rain/storm all night.

If you’re ever at an event that gets called by an inpending storm, heed the announcements.  Try not to take it out on the employees and crew of the event.  Alot of thought went into the decision before a word was ever said to the audience.

Just my thoughts.

~Cappy

This weekend I witnessed some parents who need to be sent back to the school of humanity.

Today. I came upon an accident in front of the Dairy Queen.  The car was pretty mangled against a telephone pole.  The airbag had deployed.  The driver was a young girl who had just got her license.  She was ok so I went to direct traffic until the fire department and police arrived.

I went over to talk to her after traffic was in the hands of the PD and FD.  She was still extremely upset.  She kept saying over and over that her dad was going to be upset with her for wrecking the car and she would never be allowed to drive again.  We tried to assure her that her dad would be happy she was OK but she continued to be afraid of what he would do when he go there.

The tow trucks arrived.  Dad arrived.  The tow truck with the girl’s car was just pulling out.  Dad was more concerned about where the car was being towed because they were from Lawrence county. He asked the cop if she was allowed to leave.  He told her  “Come on.. Let’s go home.”  He never asked if she was OK or anything.

Why do people have to be like that?  The girl was more afraid of her dad’s reaction than she was of the police officer. I’ve seen this happen several times.  Once at the race track, I had a kid come up with a clearly broken arm.  He was calm with no tears or anything. “Mister?? I think I broke my arm.”  I called the ambulance up.  Because he was a minor, the medics needed a guardian for permission to treat.  The boy’s dad was a driver.  I went down and got him in the pits.  His first words when I told him the boy had an accident was “What the f#$k did he do now!?”

The boy’s grandmother was called and ‘Dad’ was taken up to the ambulance.  He immediately began to chastise the boy when the ambulance doors opened.  The boy began to cry.  I felt  bad because here was this kid… all calm, cool and collected when he came to me with a bone    clearly pressing up on the skin.  Dad was treating him like he robbed a bank and killed three people in the process.  The boy had to wait till grandma got there to take him to the hospital because dad had to go back racing.

These things make me cringe.  Is our world that messed up?!  Enough for now.

~Cappy

I remember exactly where I was.  I was working for Aries Resources as General Manager.   I was up in my office.  The crew was downstairs messing with a tv that came from who knows where.  I don’t recall how we heard about the first impact.  Within minutes, the old tv was tuned in and we stood and watched the unfolding events.  The second impact occurred.  We watched in horror as the towers fell.  The Pentagon was struck.  The attacks then moved closer to home as the news reported a plane was downed in a field in central Pennsylvania.  Drawings of the flight path took it directly over our heads. 

As the day progressed, little got done in our shop.  We remained glued to the tv.  Details of the crash in central Pennsylvania began to emerge.  The plane that had crashed had possibly been headed back to DC to hit another target.  Early details speculated that possibly it was shot down.  News from New York and the Pentagon was horrific.  I remember the helpless feeling as rescue workers became victims. 

Later in the week, we discussed our travel plans for the upcoming American Society for Industrial Security (ASIS) convention in San Antonio.  Airport restrictions were coming out at a record pace.  Our trip was scheduled for September 20th thru the 23rd.  Just 10 days after the tragedy, we would be getting on a plane to fly to Texas.   Should we go or shouldn’t we?  Would they even hold the convention?  My thoughts were that if they didn’t hold a convention on security after the attacks, then the terrorists had truly won.  The organizers did agree the event should continue.  There were a few changes but, yes… It had to be held.  My boss, his wife and myself would make the trip.

I remember the lines at the airport in Pittsburgh.  New security stations had been quickly installed and procedures changed.  The flights went without incident and we enjoyed our stay in San Antonio.  The feeling at the convention was much more somber than other years.  Some vendors and attendees decided not to come.  I could respect their decision.  Watching the outcome on 9/11 added that much more concern about flight safety and the safety of those travelling by any means. 

Pittsburgh is a fairly large and capable airport.  San Antonio, on the other hand, is not.  As we left the convention to return home, the lines for security were horrendous.  Huge numbers of folks leaving the convention on the same day put a major strain on San Antonio’s airport.  The lines wrapped clear back through the concourses and zig-zagged through makeshift queues in the lobby, spilling out onto the sidewalk.  Several people didn’t observe the recommended three hour plus early arrival time and missed their flights because the guards would not make exception to let them through security.

I took a cruise less than a month later to the Bahamas.  Restrictions had been refined.  Security was becoming more solidified than the thrown together system used in the days following the attacks.  The ship itself was less than half full.  We were escorted out of the harbor by Coast Guard with three cruise lines travelling together.  At the end of the cruise, an offer of another 4 days at less than half price was extended.  The cruise industry had taken a major hit with all the cancellations.  I wish I would have had the time to take them up on the offer.  I had made plans to go to Kennedy Space Center and Universal Studios on the remaining days of my trip.

The day I spent at Kennedy was enlightening.  Security was stepped way up.  As I was waiting for the IMAX show to begin, Armed (machine gun type armed) guards from the military, Sheriff’s Office and Florida State Police came in and escorted a guy out.  I never heard what he did, but there was no question that the folks at NASA were taking security very very seriously at that time. 

My trip home would conclude without further disruption.  I still remember those days after 9/11.  The feelings of helplessness and indecision about whether certain plans should continue.  I remember the feeling of the nation beginning to pull together in memory of those who passed and in defense against anyone who would try such a deed again.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget those two trips.

Where were you?

~Cappy

… that’s good I guess.

Today was the big day.  The day of digging under the Viaduct in West Middlesex looking for suspected dyanmite that may have been buried back in the 1930’s.  I worked from home so that if they did order an evacuation I could take Tink out of the house.  She’s all I have.  If I have to go, she does too.

I walked over to the post office a little after 8 am.  The viaduct was already closed down and PennDOT and the fire department were working on closing the side streets.  Back in the house, Tink knew something was amiss.  She stuck close most of the day, investigating strange noises.  There were plenty of those because of the disruption of traffic on Main Street.  There were also several fire fighters stationed outside my house to keep folks from going down the alley to Main Street (right at the bottom of the viaduct).  I felt old as I talked to them when I got back from the post office.  I was one of the younger guys in the department when I was a volunteer fire fighter.  Le sigh.  I took my Easy-Up canopy out for them since it was getting hot as hades and muggy.  Standing out like that all day … bleh.. boring and tiring.

I took my lunch at the Golden Bear.  Its a few hundred steps out my back door, in the direction of the digging.  Not much going on in there since the road is blocked all around it.  The digging had begun a little after 9 am and there had been nothing much said about what was found.  The rest of the afternoon storms passed around us.  The heaviest arrived just before 2 pm.  Tornado Warnings went out.  Northern Mercer County was getting pummelled by high winds and a possible funnel cloud.  We missed most of that storm.  The roads were reopened.  I’m not sure whether the dig was haulted because of the storms or if it was just over.  The fire department packed up just as the storms were starting to rage to the north.

Back to work.  An afternoon meeting and some issues with server support finished out the day.  Figures…  Couldn’t just let the day fade away quietly… It had to turn ugly.  Yep… The day turned into a real dud.  No explosives found, crazy storms and dealing with stupid server maintenance contracts.  Hopefully, that stuff is all worked out.  The storms pounded the area with thunder, lightning and rain.  I took a quick nap after dinner.  I awoke to a weird colored light coming through the window.  When I looked, there was a beautiful rainbow.  I rushed downstairs to try to get a picture.  It was short lived but the wierd sky remained for quite a while.

Tink settled down and is sleeping up in the bedroom.  I’m sitting here watching Harry Potter, when I should be doing laundry.  The last few days I”ve felt fatigued.  As the dark skies changed with the passing of each storm, I remembered what today is… July 26th. Two years ago this day Mom passed away.  The dark clouds match my thoughts this past month as I think about those days leading up to her passing.  I think about the phone call from Dad as I was getting ready for work.  The drive from here to Dad’s seemed to take forever even though its only two blocks.  The next few days were a blur.  Dealing with all the stuff that goes on with the death of a loved one.  One thought or feeling I do remember quite clearly, was the joy I felt in greating all the folks who came through the line at the funeral home.  Mom had touched so many folks in one way or another.  While it didn’t take the sting of the whole thing away, visiting with all those folks is what got me through those days.

I should stop babbling about the past and all the crap that went on today.  I should just go get the laundry I am supposed to be doing, bury these thoughts down that deep dark hole that creeps up now and again, and do something productive with my evening.  Catch ya around the net.

~Cappy

… often come from the strangest things.

I was talking to one of my coworkers today who is going to be out the rest of the week on vacation.  When we were done discussing stuff that needs done while he is out, I asked what he was doing for vacation.  He works in the Washington D.C. area so for some reason his answer caught me by surprise.  He and his family are coming up to Cedar Point and then going on to Chicago for a couple of days.  This brought up a couple things from my childhood that I hadn’t thought of in a while.

Summers during my childhood, well into my teen years, were spent camping on weekends and taking family vacations.  One thing we did almost every year was go to Cedar Point.  To me, Cedar Point was my local amusement park.  Sure we have Conneaut Lake in the area, but we rarely went there.  Geauga Lake was the same way.  I think I’d been there maybe twice.  I looked forward to going to Cedar Point.  Mom and Dad weren’t big riders.  They would often invite one of my friends along to ride the rides with me.  I did manage to get Mom to ride the Gemini (pictured above) once.  We practically had to carry her off the ride.  I never got her on another coaster after that.

Family vacations were always taken out of town.  I have been all over the eastern seaboard with my folks.  Often, we would take in an amusement park if there was a good one in the area.  I enjoyed Kings Island and Kings Dominion and several larger parks.  It didn’t hit me just how large Cedar Point was on the scale of national/international amusement parks until the year we went to Opryland.  This now defunct park gave you a map on entry into the park.  I recall looking at the map and thinking “Wow… This is gonna be great!”  My joy quickly faded as we walked around the park in a matter of minutes.  Since then, I’ve hit other small parks that left me wanting more.  The rides were good.  The food and other entertainment were great, but they seemed so small.  I was only later in my teen years that I realized.  They seemed so small because my “Home Park” was one of the best in the world. 

Last year, I took  a vacation by myself to one of my most favorite theme parks.  The Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando Florida.  I have been there multiple times and even had the oppurtunity to march there when I was in marching band in high school.  I remember the last time Mom, Dad and I went as a family.  We ended the trip in EPCOT with “Illuminations”.  Mom bawled as she watched the fireworks and laser show.  She would have loved the “Memories” show at Disney World last June. 

I find these little reminders of happy times in my life pop up now and again.  Sometimes, they happen at just the right moment. 

~Cappy