I couldn’t sleep tonight. In my restlessness, I began to ponder changes in my tastes as I”ve gotten older. It’s odd how the brain functions.
There are foods now that I gladly eat that I hated when I was younger. By the same token, There are foods that I used to live off of that I can take or leave now. Donuts, I recently found, are one of those foods. I used to scarf donuts like they were the last food on earth. Over the last few years as I have tried to watch my weight and get my sugar under control, they have become little more than extremely sweet. I had one of my favorite filled donuts the other day… bleh… too sugary.
I find similar things in my musical likes and dislikes. Groups I used to like a little bit have become more interesting. I pay more attention to the content than just listening to the beat. I even find myself studying the words from time to time to see if there is something I am or am not getting.
Life itself has changed. I used to not care that I was always out doing things by myself. I think now that it would nice to have shared a few of the events of my life with someone special. I reflect on the special nature these events had as they occurred. How much better would it have been with a family of my own or that special someone. I’ll probably never know.
Speaking of love… From the high school days well into my early 30’s, I had no real interest in finding someone. Looking back, there were many opportunities. I found ways to side step or screw most of those up. The last few years brought some interest in finding or creating a relationship. That too has now waned. There are/were just too many depressing ends or rejections. My cat has become my comfort zone. She is loyal. She knows when I am down or feeling out of it. I’ve decided that I’ll settle for her silent companionship over the troublesome nature of human relationships.
I’ve become used to the no longer having Mom around. I still miss her, especially when I happen to stumble across something that she used to enjoy. The hurt of her passing has mellowed into mixed feelings. Joyful memories ebb and flow mixed with sadness that she is no longer here. There are even times when it seems normal for her not to be here. Those times are usually just before I stumble across some memento or song that she liked. I even get angry with myself for feeling that way… like I’m losing my mental picture of her.
I’m getting older. My body doesn’t recover nearly as fast from illness or injury. I see more of the health problems that Dad has cropping into my life. The doctor always said “I’m my father’s child” because I carry most of the ailments he has. YAY!.. There’s something to look forward to. (Sarcasm… Please watch your step)
Even my view of my dad has changed… or has it. He seems more outgoing than he used to. Maybe that’s how he copes with mom not being here. He cracks jokes all the time now. He makes comments that I’m sure would have garnered him a scowl from Mom. I’m not sure if he’s been this way all along and I’m just now noticing or if this is him coming out of his shell. I seem to be crawling further into mine.
Oh well… Enough random observances for tonight. Long day ahead. Should try to sleep.