This will be the first installment of what some might call a daily (hopefully) journal.
Today memories play havoc with my emotions. One of the employees here at work has been fighting cancer. He needed a marrow transplant to help deal with this dreaded disease. The doctors finally found a match and he was able to have the procedure. Unfortunately, he has now contracted a rather nasty infection and is not doing well. The whole building seems to be in a quiet state… watching… hoping… waiting… praying.
Thoughts of Nathan’s struggle bring back some of the memories of Mom’s struggle with Cancer. The treatments that are available can be extremely powerful. Powerful enough that sometimes the treatment stresses the body more than the disease. When these treatments work, those stresses are often short lived and go away with time. If the treatments don’t do what they are meant to, it loads that much more stress on the individual. I think of what Nate’s family are feeling now as they provide all the support they can muster. There is a feeling of helplessness. You can even feel it here in the people who know Nate. I silently pray that his body is strong enough to overcome the infection so that his wife and little boy don’ t have to go through the seemingly endless darkness that follows the death of a loved one who is so close.
Its coming up on 3 years since Mom passed away from this dreadful disease. You learn to live with loss but things change. You change. I am about to finish up Neil Peart’s book “Ghost Rider Travels on The Healing Road”. This is the second ‘travelling book’ that I have read where the person sets off on a journey to try and justify their loss. The Ghost Rider (Neil Peart, Drummer for RUSH) sets out on a motorcycle journey after losing his daughter and wife within a year’s time. As a RUSH fan, and a motorocycle rider, I thought maybe there might be something I could draw from his writings. He often refers to his journey as trying to sooth his “Little baby soul”. Along the way, he finds that life keeps taking from him. His travelling companion ends up in jail before they are suppose to meet up on the journey. Neil’s dog has to be put down. He feels that so many things have been taken from him that he is no longer the person he once was. He loses his drive to drum or work. He heads of on his motorcycle with no destination in mind. He dubs himself “The Ghost Rider” because he seems to be carrying only ghosts with him on the journey.
The loss of self when a loved one dies isn’t something you can explain easily. I felt that there was a large dark hole starting to consume me for a long time after Mom passed. Still at times the darkness comes back as I see reminders of things she enjoyed or places we’ve been, or in today’s case: Nate’s struggle. As time passes, Neil discovers that the different things that happen begin to help him deal with his losses. He coins the name “The Healing Road”. We all have our Healing Road that we have to travel. It isn’t always easy. As a matter of fact, sometimes its down right dangerous. We find our selves in stuck in the mud, sliding on ice, alone in the desert in the darkness.
My motorcycle has been a lifeline for me these past few months. Mom hated the thought of me riding a street bike. She’s probably rolling in her grave every time I get on the thing. I find it relaxing. Riding requires a certain concentration whether the rider admits it or not. Its not quite like driving a car or truck. Your senses are over run by things you never really notice in a car. Wind, rain, temperature changes, smells, all come at you much faster on a bike as you have little between you and nature. Drive past a dead skunk on the road on a bike and you’ll quickly know what I mean. Add in all the crazy drivers out to kill you as you ride and you have something that requires your attention at all times.
You are probably wondering how I find all of ‘that’ relaxing. All of ‘that’ draws my mind away from all the things that weigh me down emotionally. I am forced to keep my eyes on the road. My ‘Rider Radar’ (as they call it in the motorcycle safety course) becomes focused on what is going on around me. Where are the potholes? Watch out for that loose gravel! HEY LADY! GET OFF THE PHONE AND PAY ATTENTION! Man… That’s a heck of a wind gust! CRAP! Missed a gear. Uh Oh… It’s starting to sprinkle. No time for thoughts of how sucky work was today or the house needing swept up.
Today, work is getting me down. All the other issues such as Nate are adding to it. My stupid back has been paining me a lot the last few days. I keep plugging along. “Just take one thing at a time” I tell myself. Maybe this journal idea will help.
~Back to the grind I go~
Update 1:47 pm
Nate passed away at 12:27 pm. Lord take him in your loving embrace. Let his family know your comforting touch.