… is hard!
I went back to work this week after being on vacation the week before. Rough stuff to get back into the swing of. I don’t know why it is but it always seems like I need a vacation to recover from my vacation. I didn’t do anything strenuous for vacation. I just stayed at home. Still… I had to work to get up Monday to go back to the office.
This has been a weird week at home as well. I get home. Eat dinner and kick back to relax a bit before doing laundry, etc… Every night I’ve fallen asleep for about an hour and a half. The last couple night’s naps have been driven by back pain. I know the weather is going to change for the weekend because the internal barometer is really sounding its alarm. That’s ok… Got nothing planned for the weekend.
Tink seems to be feeling better. She’s playing a lot now. She can be such a card sometimes. I tossed a box on the floor last week after taking out the contents. She immediately laid claim to it. So now there are four boxes in the living room. One, I call her nip box because that’s where she goes when she wants nip and she plays with it in there. The other two are a small paper box lid and a shoe box that have toys in them. The toys in the little paper box lid she doesn’t show much interest in. I put them in there so they weren’t laying all over the house. The shoe box, however, is the mousy torturing box. I got her a mouse that you fill with your own fresh catnip. She will throw that thing around all over the place. Somehow, it always ends up back in the box.
I have had some odd thoughts and dreams over this past week. I wish I were more outgoing so that I wasn’t so much the nerdy stereo type. Staying at home with my computers and such instead of hanging out at bars and the like. No.. I do not live in my parents basement. I have my own house. :-p I’m just not much for hanging out in large crowds of people. It’s ok for work but just to quote ‘go out and have a good time’… not my thing. The reason I don’t like to hang out doesn’t have so much to do with drunks or smokers offending me… to each his own. It has more to do with not feeling relaxed in those situations. I’d much rather tinker around by myself than ‘be one of the crowd’. People ask why I went to Disney last year by myself. I had no one else to go with me but that was ok. I was able to do my own thing. Ride what I wanted to ride. Take a break when I needed or wanted to. I had a really great time.
Thinking as I composed that last paragraph, I noted to myself (and now to you guys) that I feel alone when I’m in a crowd. I guess its an out of place feeling like I don’t fit in. There are very few folks in my life that I enjoy hanging out with. Those select few who I spend time with know who they are. I hold these folks as special people, more like family than friends. The rest of the time I feel like a third wheel. If you are a friend of mine and I don’t hang out with you a lot, don’t fret. It’s not that I don’t like you. I just haven’t let you into my comfort zone… My personal time and space where I feel like I belong. If you see me out somewhere, you will often notice that even though there are a bunch of people I know, I am off somewhere by myself. It happened at the July 4th shindig. I sat at the table with my dad. When he left, I hung out by myself. At the pool, I found my own little patch of water and just enjoyed being refreshed. I wasn’t upset with anyone. I just wanted my space, mentally and physically.
I feel that way at work as well. I don’t fit in to the group. I ask myself why the guys don’t ask me to go to lunch with them, but then I think “I don’t really want to go to lunch with anyone. Just give me some time with my thoughts.” I guess that’s one of the reasons I haven’t changed jobs yet, even though I should. I lack the confidence that I can impress a new employer to the point of improving my job situation. Confidence is a word I rarely apply to myself. Over the past few years especially, I just have no faith in myself. I have been chastised on more than one occasion for thinking that way but its the truth. I know what I am capable of, yet I still don’t feel comfortable in most situations.
Oh well… Enough sulking I guess. Maybe I’ll win the lottery and take another Bahamas vacation. Oh yeah… You have to play to win. I win daily because the money I would have wasted by losing tickets stays in my pocket. I know.. there’s that lack of confidence thing again.
I guess I’ll go change laundry into the drier and head off to bed. THAT I am pretty sure I can handle right now!
G’night!
~Cappy