Its funny. Sometimes, I wonder how the universe is connected together. I’ve been moping around a lot the last week or so. Things get me down and sometimes I’m not even sure why. Today, a friend posted a blog that could have come right out of some of the thoughts I’ve had this past week. Something keeps pulling back to the same line of thoughts… Dark thoughts.
It usually starts when I begin thinking about where I am today in life and where I thought I’d be. By this point, I thought I’d be married and have a kid or two. My romantic life has been less than stellar. What few gals I’ve dated have usually ended up calling me their ‘big brother’. While that sounds like a good thing, its the death sentence to a relationship. I once had someone tell me “You have to watch what job you apply for.” Basically, I had become a friend and could never be anything else. As if it isn’t bad enough to be labeled the ‘big brother’, You end up watching them go out with someone that treats them like crap. I was even asked “How do I get him to treat you the way you treated me?” My thoughts usually go to something like “Kick his damn ass to the curb… Drown him in the bathtub… Poison his beer?” I’m too much of ‘Mr Goody Two Shoes’ to actually say any of that.
If I don’t become the ‘big brother’, I end up the therapist. Its nice to help someone out of a hole but once they come out of their darkness, they walk away from their light. Don’t get me wrong, its great for the person coming out of the darkness. The problem lies in the fact that as they walk away… They drag a part of my light away. I end up in the ever darkening hole watching the light fade into the distance. There is one other thing that happens that has soured me on even bothering to find a true relationship, being used. It seems to happen to the decent guys more than the bad guys. Someone will latch on to you and pretend they are interested. It later becomes painfully clear that they were only trying to get something and move on. There was no intention to have a true relationship. Its just a game, many times, to win them freedom from someone else. I’ve given up on finding anyone. I might as well be content with being alone because thats all it seems I’ll ever be.
Another darkness overshadows my life from time to time… decisions. There are decisions I have made that I regret. Others, I’m glad I did things the way I did. If we learn by our mistakes, then I should be a Professor at this point. Things that happened following certain decisions seemed to make a right decision turn out to be a wrong one. Some of them, I should have listened to my Mom’s guidance because she had bad feelings about them. I did them anyway. Working with the sound company in central Pennsylvania was one she would have argued was a bad decision. I learned a lot working with sound systems. Lessons included everything from how certain sound gear could and should be used to how much I could take emotionally, including what I would do should I ever stare down the barrel of a gun. I took it out of his hand and unloaded it. Even threats that he would hold a grudge against me, wouldn’t allow me to back down on that one. Later, he would question if his wife and I had a ‘thing’. What hurt more than anything was that the job that I saw as a dream job had become a nightmare literally. I don’t know if he even remembers.
One of my biggest peeves with myself is that I can not hold a grudge. I should be completely pissed off about that night til this day. I’m not. As a matter of fact, I dug him up to see what he was up to. He is now a Christian and owns his dream place. He remarried and seems happy. Maybe I’m just that much of a tool. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt whether they deserve it or not. I’m often disappointed but I’ve learned that people make mistakes, including me. Forgiving doesn’t mean we necessarily forget, but we move on. Mistakes give us character and teach us valuable lessons that we carry through life. Sometimes they leave scars as reminders.
I’ve hated the path my career has taken since I came back to the area. I haven’t necessarily hated the jobs themselves. I loved doing systems integration. It combined some of the skills I had learned with sound systems with doing video and project management. My back blew up and finished that one off. I spent the next year and four months trying to get back to work. Its really hard to go to a job interview hunched over and barely able to walk and can’t even lift a milk carton. Bills and things that accumulated while I was down with my back are still being paid off. I should be out from under those soon, finally. If anyone would have told me back in 2003 that I would still be paying for that financially in 2012, I would have told them they were crazy. I hate to think where that process would be had I not moved into the position I’m in now that provides a decent paycheck. I probably would have filed for bankruptcy long ago.
I’ve got back to reading these past few months. I used to enjoy reading, especially on business trips where I had flights and boring nights in the hotel room to fill. The books I read now have been slightly different. I have read several travelling stories. Journeys that people have taken out of want or need, often out of grief. I still enjoy science fiction fantasy stuff too. I am currently reading “Clockwork Angels” by Neil Peart and Kevin Anderson. Oddly enough, it is a travelling story based in the sci fi/fantasy world of steam punk. I’ve found many similarities in these kinds of books to events in my own life. I suppose that’s not really that surprising as we’re all human.
Life these days requires learning. I just can’t afford to go back to school. I have enough debts that I should qualify for some assistance but my job pays well enough that I’m just outside the lines. I also don’t really know what I would want to go back to school for. I vowed I wouldn’t go into computers because I found them easily learned and boring. Guess where I am? I’ve been dwelling on my educational conundrum for some time now. I’ve also thought about what job/career would I want to change to at this point in my life. The dark clouds began to roll in over this as well until I stumbled on a series of lectures and websites that deal with “Making.”
The Maker movement is gathering of people from all walks of life that enjoy building and ‘making’ things. Part of the Maker mission is to bring young people into the movement and get them interested in building things and more over how the steps it takes to ‘make’ something can be applied to life. There are other similar movements that focus on making science and skilled trades fun for kids (and adults) to experiment with. Our society is losing these kinds of skills at an amazing rate because in the past science and math were boring and difficult to grasp. These movements focus on showing the fun in building which “shhhhhhhhhh” … is math and science disguised.
In examining these movements, I found that one of the hosts of one of my favorite shows is a very sought after speaker. Adam Savage of Mythbusters has been a tinkerer since his youngest days. He frequently speaks at Maker and other conventions. Some of this topics include not only the process of making something, but the fact that failure is a necessary part of learning. He often discusses how failures in a project lead him to make that project better or made a difference in the way another project went. There is something else that caught my attention. Adam Savage has no particular degreed skill set. He has found that he can learn skills quickly and well enough to use them on future projects. He actually thrives off this. That is how he has been able to be involved with projects from commercials to major movie titles like Star Wars.
As I mentioned earlier, I can’t decide what I would want to go back to school for. This has been a major failure in my mind. I should want to get certified in something or go back and get a higher degree. I listened to several of Adam’s lectures. I have a very similar skill of learning quickly and being able to retain and apply that knowledge. A small light began to glimmer in my cloudy grey soul. Maybe I’m not that messed up in not knowing where I want to go. Maybe that’s the point? I don’t need a degreed course. I just need to get in there and do it. Learn whatever I can from what is in front of me. I’ve done it before. I got decent at doing sound design because I understood the principles and how they fit together, not because some book told me that’s the way it works. I noticed if I pointed something this way or equalized something that way I could improve or often destroy the quality of sound. Its been the same with computers.
I’ve always been good at recognizing patterns and trends. There is a basic underpinning to everything. I think this is what Adam Savage also sees. Once you learn the base set of skills, you can apply them to other things. The base is always very similar. I’ve pondered my ability to troubleshoot different types of electronic systems. Whether it is a sound rig or a pinball machine or a computer on a network, there is a basic process that can be applied with just a little manipulation for the particular device or group of devices you are working on. That’s what it is I’m good at! Finding that baseline and learning it, then applying it to something else.
I’m still wrapping my brain around where I can take this and how. It has given me that little bit of light to look for when my days get really down. It’s like being out camping on a cool fall morning by the lake. The chill and dampness surround you. As the sun breaks over the horizon, a tiny ember of warmth begins to grow and the cold dampness falls away.
I have been listening to my Phil Collins collection in iTunes. Several songs have caught my attention. As I finish this writing, “Find a Way to My Heart” is playing. Ironic…. maybe.
~Cappy
