… or the Big Guy Upstairs makes them work out.
I have had a concern that things would be difficult when it came to the end of Mom’s fight with Cancer. She and Dad had talked informally about things, but nothing was in writing. In this day and age, everything has to be set in stone when you die. Nobody wants the liability if something isn’t carried out right.
Mom passed away Monday morning. I dreaded the call to 911 but I knew it had to be made and I knew dad did not have the strength to make it. I made the call. The dispatcher was courteous and kind. She didn’t push for any more information than what was necessary. If you’ve ever had to make a 911 call, you know that they can be pushy in trying to get the information they need. They often want you to stay on the line for your own safety as well as so they get immediate notification of a change in the situation. This lady got just the information she needed and said “We’ll make sure the right people are notified.” She hung up with me.
McGonigle Ambulance and two police cruisers arrived. I told them Mom did not want resuscitated but she had yet to build the official DNR order. The Ambulance crew called the doctor’s office and the funeral home where we wanted her to be. They politely took the EKG to confirm what we all already knew. It is required and they did their best to be considerate to us. They asked us to step out while they got her ready for transport. We were given time with her when she was ready. The officers asked only the questions they absolutely needed. No attitude was given. No one was in a hurry. They all made sure we felt comfortable. The first of my major concerns over the DNR had been softened. I know that sometimes without it, the crews can be forced to begin CPR. It never even came up.
While they were loading Mom into the ambulance to take her to the Funeral Home, I noticed one of Dad’s neighbors standing in her garage. She has been a very good friend of the family for all my years. I told Dad that I needed to walk over and tell her in person. She was very shaken. As she and I talked, her neighbor pulled in. Their family has also been close to us. I told her what had happened. We stood in the front yard as tears were shed. No one could believe it. Again, things had worked out perfectly. I didn’t have to go up to the house to find out if anyone was home. Their mother has her own health problems and I didn’t want to have to confront her with this kind of news without her daughters around.
The Funeral Director and Mom/Dad’s pastor both came to the house at the same time shortly after the ambulance delivered Mom to the Funeral Home. The Funeral Director has been friends with Mom/Dad since taking over the Funeral Home several years ago. He recounted some neat things Mom and he had gotten a chuckle over. Pastor stayed with us for a while. Their pastor said if we knew someone we would prefer to do the service, he understood. Dad and I both said, almost at the same time, “No.. Mom would have wanted you to do it.” She liked Pastor Chung from the day she met him. They had struggled long and hard about changing churches. When they finally made the move, they felt so at home. Mom was so happy they decided to move to this church. After the pastor left, Dad and I began the task of calling friends and relatives to let them know. My aunts and uncle showed up later to help with the task. You don’t realize how hard it is to think of all these folks until you have to do it through the fog of losing a loved one.
Monday afternoon we headed to the funeral home to make arrangements. My Aunts helped fill in some of the information Dad and I weren’t sure about. Earlier, Dad and I had picked out Mom’s clothes. Once again, what could have been a challenge was easy. We had one outfit picked out but continued looking. It didn’t feel right. Her skirt from her 25th Wedding Anniversary was hanging on the closet door. We agreed we should use that. We had to hunt a little bit to find the top to it, but we both agreed that it was the best choice. As we went to look at caskets, one particular one caught my eye as we rounded the corner. It was an earth tone color combination but the handles were what drew me to it. They had emblems of a cross emblazoned with rays of light coming out from it. In the lid, the material formed a cross. That was Mom, A ray of light for Christ. She didn’t have to shove her religion down your throat. You knew she loved Christ just by the way she acted and what she did. She enjoyed her walk with God and it showed. I didn’t say anything as the Funeral Director continued through the qualities and costs of the different boxes. I knew the one I would recommend when the time came. When the Funeral Director asked if any one particular design was better, Dad pointed to the one with the crosses and said that would be his choice. Again, a tough decision was made easy.
My aunts and uncle had agreed they would go home that evening to give us time to relax and unwind. Tuesday morning started out with a barrage of phone calls to Dad. We were to meet the caretaker at the cemetery around 10:30 am. Again, Mom and Dad had talked about getting lots but had never followed through doing it. When they started showing us the lots, one particular area caught my eye. There was one other area on the map that I wanted to see so we checked that out. That spot was too far from the road. Dad would have to trudge up the hill to get to it. Not a good thing with his bad knees. When asked which spot he preferred, Dad pointed out the same location I had chosen. I hadn’t said that’s the one I liked. As I looked at the grave markers around the lots we wanted, I saw names of families that I knew. Yes, this was the spot. Dad and I now have lots there beside Mom around people we know.
Dad and I went home from the cemetery to a quiet house. The phone never rang. The doorbell was silent. We both took a much needed nap. After the nap, we called the pastor to talk with him about the service. He came up and asked a few questions about what we wanted. He asked for a couple of Mom’s favorite scriptures. We couldn’t answer him. Mom had multiple Bibles and she had read them all cover to cover. We gave him a couple to look at and he picked out versus that were fitting. We asked if he wanted more and he replied that he had found some very appropriate things bookmarked or notated. Wow. That was quick. Again, things worked out easily. The Lord was very close as we made all these decisions. He made them clear and easy.
After Pastor left, Dad and I debated on what we would have for dinner. It wasn’t long before the doorbell rang. A lady they met at her garage sale brought a cabbage casserole and fresh lettuce and veggies from her garden. A long time family friend arrived with chicken and potatoes and desert. She sat for a while and talked about guilt she felt having survived breast cancer for these many years and mom had succumbed to it. We assured her that was something to feel blessed for, not guilty about. As she was getting ready to leave, her daughter showed up with Lasagna. We hadn’t had anything like that since this all started so we made short work of that. We have had such great neighbors and friends through all of this. We haven’t had to cook since the day Mom went into the hospital. Food and other things always seemed to show up when they were needed. My uncle has commented many times how great it is that our neighbors are so close, not just in proximity, but in friendship.
As I went into Wednesday, my nerves were shot. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to hold it together while I stood up there greeting people. I had stayed up into the wee hours of the morning wrestling together a slide show that I titled “Through the Years” as a tribute to Mom. It played throughout the day on Wednesday and Thursday. I was tired. My back was sore. How was I going to be strong for my Dad through this whole day? When people started filing into the funeral home, it became evident that Mom had touched many people. The line stretched out the door at one time. So much so, that the Funeral Director came over and asked if we could keep things short to accommodate everyone who came to pay respects. That was difficult because so many of them had uplifting stories about how Mom had touched their lives. Those stories gave me the strength to stand and laugh and smile as the day wore on. We closed the viewing at about 4:20 and went home to get a bight to eat and some rest.
The evening viewing proved just as daunting in numbers of people coming to pay respects. This time though, I wasn’t nervous. I enjoyed listening to how they knew Mom and felt comforted in the fact that she had touched so many. My friends and coworkers also came. Ron, my ‘adopted brother’ who lives in Kansas, drove in to help out. He stepped in wherever he was needed. He spent a lot of time with my family when we were in high school. I really appreciate him being here. The line flowed into one room and for the longest time snaked around past the slideshow so that we could get everybody in the door. People kept coming and coming and coming. We finally ended shortly after 9. We all came back to Dad’s to unwind. As we did, we discussed the number of folks that had come through that day.
Thursday again tested my nerves. This time, we wouldn’t just be viewing. We would be saying our goodbyes for the last time. I pulled out my laptop about 9 in the morning and checked my email. I ran it on battery because I had the cords wrapped up to take back to the funeral home. There was a message from Sherry there. She is in Boston with Camille at an ice skating competition. More than once she offered to stay behind and let her dad take Camille to Boston so that she could help my dad and I out. I can’t express what that means to me. She was on messenger so I shot her a text. She said she had already talked to her mom and if I needed her to, she’d get back here. I told her to please stay with Camille and the other kids from the club. We have lots of folks helping and providing things at this point and I wouldn’t even know what to ask her to help with. I know I’ll need a shoulder and some support as the days wane on. Her offer to help won’t go unanswered. We signed off so that she could go deal with the kids and I could finish getting ready to go get Dad.
Ron and I went and got breakfast for the three of us. My aunts and uncle were already up at the house when we got there. In the rush to leave, I put the laptop to sleep so I wouldn’t have to wait for the full restart time when we got to the funeral home. We ate while my aunts and uncle headed down to greet any early arrivals. When we arrived at the funeral home, I quickly set the slideshow up and went to greet people who were already coming in. They came… and they came… and they came… The Funeral Director ran back and forth putting up more and more chairs. The place was packed to the gills. Mom truly had touched a lot of folks.
The service began. I was tired and sore but a smile came to my face as Pastor recounted stories of how Mom had touched his life in the short time he’d known her. The sermon was perfect. I am so glad we let Pastor Chung do the service. He was the only choice. It was clear to me why Mom liked him so much. After the service, they asked us to remain seated while they ushered the visitors out row by row. It was hard to watch family friends and relatives pay the final respects. Soon it was our turn. I watched with tears welling in my eyes as my aunts said goodbye to their sister. Dad and I said our goodbyes together. I cried hard as I said “Goodbye Mom”. I touched her hand as we slowly turned and gathered ourselves to make the drive to the cemetery. The drive was tough on me as well. I have followed the hearse in other processions for my grandparents and other relatives, but this time it was for Mom. I knew things would soon be over.
The service at the cemetery was nice. There were no signs of the storms that moved through the area Wednesday night. The sky was a beautiful blue with white puffy clouds floating by in the soft breeze. The temperature was no longer hot and humid. The Lord blessed us with a beautiful day. The spray we got for the casket was so beautiful in the sun. Mom loved Pansies. They are out of season, but the Funeral Director had asked the florist about them. The florist found some really nice artificial Pansies and put them in the spray with Roses and other flowers. The family took the artificial Pansies home as an unending memento of Mom.
Before going over to the church for dinner, I packed up my laptop and monitor that had been running the slideshow in the funeral home. To my disbelief, It had been running that whole time on battery. I had forgotten to plug it in because so many people were already coming. Once again, God gave the battery enough life that it ran from a little after 9 am clear through just about 1 pm, with a short sleep in between home and the service.
The dinner was great. I sat with a schoolmate and her mom (who had Cancer surgery and radiation this past summer). The family was the last to leave. Typical of my bunch, they helped the church folks pack up the chairs and things even though they were told numerous times others would handle that. We went back to Dad’s with the family where they could talk and enjoy each other’s company. To be honest, Dad and I were both spent. He started drifting off to sleep in his chair even through the noise of his niece’s little girl playing loudly in the room behind his chair. I was so spent I almost felt physically sick. When everyone was gone, we both took a long nap. We had already agreed that we would go to Wendy’s for dinner, just for something different. Ron came back from his brother’s and even he took a nap. When we all got awake, we headed off to Wendy’s. Never thought fast food would taste so good.
I mention fast food because we haven’t had to go out to eat at all since Mom got sick. We went to Eat n Park the night Mom was admitted to the hospital. That was only because it was so late by the time we got Mom settled in at the hospital. Dad’s neighbors and our family friends have been beyond great since that Friday. They have been bringing in food every day, way more than the two of us can eat. We’ve been able to feed the army of visitors and relatives without question of needing more food. The neighbor kids have taken up mowing Dad’s grass. We had offers of help beyond count.
I know I will feel sad and lonely as things wind down this weekend, but there have been some really good moments in all this. I’m doing alright. Dad’s holding up well emotionally. His knees are another story. Maybe he can get them fixed now that he doesn’t have to care for Mom. Mom doesn’t have to worry about cancer anymore. She doesn’t have to hear the whine of that silly oxygen pump or be limited to as far as her oxygen tubing will reach. No more pain… No more shots or tests… No more wigs. I’m sure she looks down on us with a smile like only she can give. I know she would be happy with the way things went today. She can rest now. The long fight is over. God holds her hand now in everlasting peace.
I love you Mom.