I couldn’t sleep tonight. In my restlessness, I began to ponder changes in my tastes as I”ve gotten older. It’s odd how the brain functions.

There are foods now that I gladly eat that I hated when I was younger. By the same token, There are foods that I used to live off of that I can take or leave now. Donuts, I recently found, are one of those foods. I used to scarf donuts like they were the last food on earth. Over the last few years as I have tried to watch my weight and get my sugar under control, they have become little more than extremely sweet. I had one of my favorite filled donuts the other day… bleh… too sugary.

I find similar things in my musical likes and dislikes. Groups I used to like a little bit have become more interesting. I pay more attention to the content than just listening to the beat. I even find myself studying the words from time to time to see if there is something I am or am not getting.

Life itself has changed. I used to not care that I was always out doing things by myself. I think now that it would nice to have shared a few of the events of my life with someone special. I reflect on the special nature these events had as they occurred. How much better would it have been with a family of my own or that special someone. I’ll probably never know.

Speaking of love… From the high school days well into my early 30’s, I had no real interest in finding someone. Looking back, there were many opportunities. I found ways to side step or screw most of those up. The last few years brought some interest in finding or creating a relationship. That too has now waned. There are/were just too many depressing ends or rejections. My cat has become my comfort zone. She is loyal. She knows when I am down or feeling out of it. I’ve decided that I’ll settle for her silent companionship over the troublesome nature of human relationships.

I’ve become used to the no longer having Mom around. I still miss her, especially when I happen to stumble across something that she used to enjoy. The hurt of her passing has mellowed into mixed feelings. Joyful memories ebb and flow mixed with sadness that she is no longer here. There are even times when it seems normal for her not to be here. Those times are usually just before I stumble across some memento or song that she liked. I even get angry with myself for feeling that way… like I’m losing my mental picture of her.

I’m getting older. My body doesn’t recover nearly as fast from illness or injury. I see more of the health problems that Dad has cropping into my life. The doctor always said “I’m my father’s child” because I carry most of the ailments he has. YAY!.. There’s something to look forward to. (Sarcasm… Please watch your step)

Even my view of my dad has changed… or has it. He seems more outgoing than he used to. Maybe that’s how he copes with mom not being here. He cracks jokes all the time now. He makes comments that I’m sure would have garnered him a scowl from Mom. I’m not sure if he’s been this way all along and I’m just now noticing or if this is him coming out of his shell. I seem to be crawling further into mine.

Oh well… Enough random observances for tonight. Long day ahead. Should try to sleep.

For some 7 or 8 years now, I have been living with bad disks in my back. Those of you who have this problem know that it can range from minor aching to debilitating pain.

I have always had a fairly high pain tolerence which in most cases has been a good thing. Not so much with my back though. I frequently find myself doing things that I probably should not due. These tasks don’t usually bother me while I’m doing them. A couple of days later, however, my body tells me it did not like what I did.

This past weekend was a great example. I worked at the race track on Saturday night. We had a couple of incidents that I responded to instinctively. I pay for that all this week. I couldn’t sleep at all Sunday night because my back and neck were spiking with pain.

Monday, the 4th of July, I set about getting ready to go over to the Party on the White House Lawn, a yearly gig that I help with. I took it extremely easy throughout the day because: 1) I was dead tired. 2) I was extremely sore and stiff. The day went fairly well. I helped with the firework show, loading launch tubes. As we were cleaning up, I knew my Tuesday was not going to be a good one. I reported off work.

Tuesday morning came with a loud groan as I tried to get out of bed. I laid around the house until a little after 6 pm when I ventured up to Dad’s for dinner. I wanted to work on the frame for my new screen door. There was no way that was going to happen.

Thursday night I finally got the frame in for the door. I slept extremely well through the night. I didn’t even want to get up because my back and neck were so comfortable the way I was laying in bed. Tonight I shoot for getting the door on and finished up.

Saturday brings the races once again. I am going to attempt to avoid the things that aggrevated me last week. It sucks to take almost a week to recover from the weekend just in time to get to… another weekend. I guess I’m just getting old. Oh well, Can’t stay in bed all the time. Wish me luck.

~Cappy

It has been awhile since I’ve entered anything here. Mom’s death left me drained both mentally and physically. It was hard enough to think what I needed to do from day to day, let alone figure out how to put my thoughts and feelings into words.

Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone since my last post. We had Thanksgiving at Aunt Doris and Uncle Bob’s. Mom was missed but Christmas was much more of a challenge for me. Christmas was Mom’s holiday. She was like a little kid. We made it through the day and the week that followed, but there was definately and sadness in my heart. I could have skipped Christmas all together but Mom would have struck Dad and I both down.

I had started a new relationship just before Christmas. Things seemed to be going ok. There were a lot of things that ended up getting in the way and we broke up with a nasty battle of words. That’s fine. I’m more comfortable by myself anyway. Tinkerbell and I enjoy each other’s company. Tink lets me know with a growl when she doesn’t agree with something I do. I don’t have to interpret hidden signals or double edged meanings. Maybe I’ll find someone special someday. Maybe I won’t. For now, I am content to deal with my life as it comes.

They set Mom’s stone about a week or so before Easter. I went to the cemetary by myself Easter morning. Tears fell as I thought about how Mom would be celebrating Easter in heaven this year at Jesus’ side. Doris called and asked what we wanted to do for Easter dinner. Dad and I decided that we would just go out to eat. No sense the bunch coming in from out of town and having to cook or drag it all in. It was a idea.

Yesterday was Mother’s day. I took some snips for the Lilac Tree in the back yard and put them on the grave. I’m glad she didn’t want buried back ‘in the old country’ as she called it. As I stood there, I realized what Mom meant one time long ago when she talked about going back to visit her Dad’s grave and feeling like he wasn’t there. While I know Mom’s body is there below that stone, I know her spirit rests with God. She is free from the Cancer that took her strength.

I hope to start a weekly update here, a journel of my silliness, as it were.

There are times in everyone’s life… Well, Ok… in my life where I feel like I’m on a roller coaster in the dark. This week has been one of those times. You know how they go…

You board the ride with a good idea of what the track is supposed to look like or what the ride is all about, hoping for the thrill of a life time.

As you coast out through the first tunnel, the darkness takes hold and you begin to question the sanity of boarding the ride. The first hill brings anticipation. Up … Up… Up! Your mind races between “This is going to be the best decision I’ve ever made!” to “Oh, Crap!!!” because you know there’s a big drop up ahead looming closer and closer in the darkness . You can’t see just where.
The big hills bring exhilaration, but they also bring terror. You plunge downward into the unknown. Your heart racing as your brain tries to pinpoint subtle signs in the dark. Some glimmer that might give you a hint of whether this is going to feed you on to the top of the next big hill or send you crashing to your doom on the unseen ground below.

Then there are the twisty, loopy bits of track. They toss and turn you until you have no bearing of which way is up. These are the times you really question each turn and bump as it comes at you. You don’t know what they’ll be, but you know there coming.

Ahhh yes! The braking strip is next. This is your defining moment. Was this ride worth it? Was it what you thought it would be? Sometimes the braking strips are gentle but more often they are surprisingly abrupt, throwing you up against the restraints. If the ride has been good, they elicit laughter and applause. Bad ride and they drive home the pain and disappointment of the experience.

As I coast into the station of this past week, I take each portion of track one at a time through my mind’s eye. Individually, there were parts that were absolutely terrible. Other parts that I thought would suck, were pretty good. As I put them all together, they become one whole experience.

This is what I call the roller coaster of life. Individual events bring me down, lift me up, throw me for a loop, batter and bruise me. Take any one section of track in turn and I might say my life sucks or it’s great. Put them all together and they become the fabric of who I am… Who you are. The great thing is …. This roller coaster is never finished. It changes and grows as we do. It lives on long after we’re gone in the people who we share are lives with.

This week wasn’t the best ride. It wasn’t the worst either. I look forward to getting on the train again and heading off to see what changes have been made this time.

Enjoy the ride—

~Cap

On my way to work this morning, I caught a portion of a discussion on the radio about “Hobo Pie Makers”. They were talking about how they were recently introduced to the little jewel of a camping untensil pictured above. They discussed finding the irons and recognized a site you could hit on the web. I chuckled. You don’t need to go to any special website to buy those. They are readily available at Walmart, Kmart and other local sporting goods stores that sell camping gear.

Example http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=4809692

The better makers are cast iron, although they sell them made of various metals. Pie makers have been a staple of our camping trips since I was an infant. My grandparents called them hobo pies, mountain pies or whoopie pies.

My favorite recipe is hobo pie pizza. Pizza sauce, pepperoni, onion, peppers and maybe a mushroom or two. The key is to remember that it cooks fast on the hot coals so whatever you put in needs to be thin.

I find it comical when I hear people talking about these cooking utensils like they are some gadget that just popped out of an engineering lab somewhere. “Look at this new thing I found. Its Great!~” I’m 41 years old and have been camping since I was an infant. We’ve always had at least one hobo pie iron tucked away in the camper. Pie fillings and other goodies that can be put in the hobo pie maker are always a part of the required inventory to be loaded for any camping trip.

Now, I’m hungry. I’m going to have to go build a fire and make some nummy goodness for lunch. I wonder if they’ll mind a camp fire in the office parking lot?