The Captain's Blog

Depression
As I look back on the past year or so, I think about how Depression ruled my life. Depression is an ugly thing that can create emotional and physical fatigue. After Mom died last July, things were all out of kilter. I hated myself for the way I felt the last few weeks she lived. Selfishly, I wanted her suffering to be over. I didn’t realize how much it hurt me to see her sick until those final days when all she could do was sit in the chair and sleep. Why do we take people in our lives for granted until we realize they soon won’t be with us.
I had started tracking my calories a couple years ago. I was surprised that I was able to drop from 348 pounds down to 275. I didn’t feel that great at 275 because my sugar hadn’t yet stabilized. It slowly would have, had I been able to stay at that weight. As the Depression took over my life, I lost the will to follow the simple steps of tracking what I ate. In the end, I gained a lot of the weight back. Why? Just not watching what I ate. The loss had been fairly easy. A couple pounds a week just by keeping track of what I was eating and matching that to the calories I should need. When you stop making that match of what you are putting in to what you actually need, you over eat without even thinking about it. Depression also makes you eat. Combine the lack of desire to bother with doing a couple minutes of tracking a meal and feeling like I’m hungry or eating because I was bored and there you have it.
This past month things have been improving in my life. I made a decision back in April that I would do some things that I have always wanted to do but had put off for one reason or another. Item #1: I went to Disney World and stayed on property. I went by myself, but that was ok. I planned out what I wanted to do in each of the parks and managed to do all of it and then some. Item #2: I have always wanted to by a street legal motorcycle and get my license. I began looking for a bike back in April as well. I knew that I wanted either a bike that sat fairly upright or a cruiser that had a sitting position my back would tolerate. I was a little disappointed because I could find bikes I liked, but they were hugely expensive.
Months passed and I still hadn’t found a bike. I finally decided to get my permit and take the riders safety course whether I had a bike or not. Around the same time, a friend stopped to talk to me at the racetrack. We talked about bikes and I mentioned wanting one and getting my permit. He told me he had 2 for sale. I knew these bikes he had. They were exactly what I was looking for. He had a 700 and an 1100. I was leaning towards the bigger bike, just because I’m a bigger person. We got together one evening and I checked out the bikes. The 700 was just a tad small for my long legs. We talked price and he gave me what I thought was a really good deal. Needless to say, I now own a Honda V65 Magna.
Part of the challenge of buying a used bike is getting it to way you want it. The bike started and ran well. It did have a few oil and gas leaks, but its 26 years old and had sat in the garage the last couple years. Nothing I hadn’t expected. I began to work on the bike, as I took the riding classes. Working on the bike provided me with a distraction that kept me from sitting on the couch, watching TV and munching snacks. Last night Bob, his wife and I took a nice ride. I still have a small oil leak to fix on the back side of the engine, but nothing that will stop me from riding.
Last Monday, I decided that I was going to start tracking my calories again. I went back to Livestrong.com and began to rebuild my profile. I have already lost 5 pounds. When you are depressed you don’t even realize you are eating 1500 or more calories than your body really needs. I killed off the extra helpings at dinner, the extra snacks at work and resumed eating decent lunches instead of the pizza buffet or McDonalds. Don’t get me wrong, I still love pizza, but now I eat it as a treat now and again instead of pigging out. I hope the motorcycle and other distractions that I’ve been playing with lately keep me on the upswing. It would be really nice to not feel like I have a black cloud draped over my insides all the time.
That’s all I have for now. If you feel depressed, find something to occupy your time. Maybe something you wanted to do but just hadn’t set your mind to.. . or maybe you didn’t think you could. You might surprise yourself.