“Vacuuming too often will weaken the carpet fibers.” Say this with a serious face and shudder
delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging
rays from the sun. Call it an SF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a
romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need
dusting, simply say, “What? And spoil the mood?”
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it
there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged
children.
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door.
As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously,
fake a growl and say, “I’d love for you to see our den but Fluffy hates to be
disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place an urn on the coffee table and insist that,
“THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”
Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of
crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Johnny did this when he
was two. I haven’t had the heart to clean it…”
In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers
next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby
reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch
‘The Galapagos Islands’ and claim an ecological exemption.
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle.
Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an
exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean
and I still don’t get anywhere…”
