I have this philosophy that basically says “If I can… I will do whatever it takes to get the job done.”

Over the years, I have been taught that you shouldn’t promise what you can’t deliver.  On the opposite side of that coin, Sometimes you need to deliver what others promised.  That sounds like a mouth full… doesn’t it.  I’ll  simplify all of it, “The show must go on.”

Where to start?  The beginning is as good a place as any.  In about 7th grade, My buddy and I were riding bikes at the school.  These people were carrying all these neat things into the auditorium.  We stopped to ask what was going on.  I don’t remember whether they let us help or we just did but this is where I got my first lighting job.  I watched as they setup these things.   They were lighting FX: Black lights, strobe lights and a huge mirror ball.

I found out they needed someone to turn the mirror ball motor on.  It wasn’t a glorious job offer… but I took it.  Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, my first lighting job was to climb a ladder up to the attic above the auditorium and sit in a little doorway where I could see the lighting guy.  He would give me a wave and I would flip a light switch that would make the mirror ball spin.  That was it… It was my job and I had a blast doing it.  “WOO HOO!”  I was the mirror ball guy for Jazz Rock Ensemble that year, under the direction of Mr. DiSantis.  I would continue doing lighting and sound for West Middlesex High School throughout my school years and a couple years after.  My pay scale was non-existent.  The enjoyment of it all was my reward.  I have since done everything from Bar Bands to better known acts, to dinner theater productions in the local church.

I use lighting and sound as an example for one reason: I developed my philosophy and work ethic in those arenas.  You see… I am always of the mind that you have to do whatever you can to make the production go off like it should.  I have applied this to work on the stage, naturally, my employment and things I do with friends.

This philosophy has changed throughout the years in its nature.  The extent to which I fulfill it, is now gauged and tempered.  There is one major flaw in living this kind of life.  You get taken advantage of.  I have been hurt more times than I can count, for no other reason than I put myself out there to help someone and then let them run me to the ground.  I didn’t even care that I was technically being played for my knowledge or experience.  Most of the time, I was happy just to do what had to be done.  I began to temper what I offered so that I became the one controlling my talents and efforts.  Trying to work with a local sound company taught me that I had to pick a line and when that line came to my feet, it was time to say enough.  Thanks for the lesson Denny.  It was hard earned and I paid the price, but I’m am far better off for having had the lesson.

These days, I still live by the same philosophy.  I just know that there is a point I have to look out for myself.  I do what needs done.  At the same time, I have learned that I can’t take the blame or allow someone to punish me because I tried but didn’t achieve the expected result.  My theory is “Look, you put us in this position. I tried my best to pull through and that’s all I can do.”  I can’t blame myself because someone else changed the rules halfway through and everything fell on its face.  I did what I could.  I also learned that sometimes, no matter how bad you just want to throw your hands up and walk away, you can’t.  If you walk away, what chance to you have to make a difference, even if its only a little one.

Project Management has reinforced my theory that you can’t blame yourself when the team fails.  Do your best and let the team’s shoulders carry the load.   You can’t do everything so don’t even try.  Do what YOU can do.  We cant allow the weights of the world press on us.  It has taught me that I have to have “faith”.  Faith in myself and faith in others.  If I try to do more than “I” can, I will never be able to achieve my goal.  It doesn’t mean we stop learning as we live.  It means we have to learn how to apply that which we know and recognize our limitations.  Failure teaches us new things, even though sometimes that failure carries a sting of pain and regret.  Recognizing our limitations allows us to learn and grow.

I was writing this tonight, because a friend felt down because he had been working on something and it fell through.  He felt bad because he had told people he could do this and now, through no fault of his own, the  other party backed out.  That’s ok because you tried to do what you could and they didn’t hold up their end.  We can’t live in regret that we tried and someone else let us down.  We need to move on.  Do what needs to be done.  If we fall down, we must get back up and dust ourselves off.

I thought about the song “All I Ever Have To Be” by Amy Grant.  It’s an old one.  As I played the song, I began to cry.  I didn’t even realize how much I needed to hear those words again.

“All I ever have to be is what you’ve made me… Any more or less would be a step out of your plan.”  While this talks about God’s plan, It can apply to other areas of our life.  Sometimes, I think we go looking for things that aren’t ours to deal with.  This week has been a prime example at work.  I’ve haven’t asked too many questions.  I did what I was asked to do and let others deal with the rest.  Hurdles from one thing seemed to jump out in the way of the next.  Even though they really aren’t in the same race, the track still became cluttered.  I know that I can only jump those hurdles that are mine to jump.  I also realize, that it might not be about “ME” jumping the hurdles.  They aren’t my hurdles.  Maybe, Its about me holding someone’s hand or  giving them a boost over their hurdle.  OR… maybe it is about letting them stumble and fall so they learn.

Any way you slice it… The show must go on.  I can do all I know how to do, but if I do my part and things still falter… so be it.  I can’t allow regret and self-doubt to drag me down.  I will get up.  Dust myself off and move on.

To another day…

~Cappy

Today has been a day of pointy things!

It started when I put my boots on this morning.  I walked over to the post office and back.  My right boot seemed to have something in it.  It was poking the right side of the bottom of my foot.  I sat on the yard swing and took the boot off.  At first, I didn’t see anything.  I shook the boot with it turned upside down.  A small black zip tie fell out.  I guess I was going to zip tie my boot to my foot to keep in on there? I don’t know.  I must have dropped them when I was getting stuff together to work on some project before my back went south last week.

I got on the bike (Maggie for those of you who haven’t figured that out yet) and headed for my usual Saturday lunch spot… Hogan’s Heroes in Hermitage.  They were having a birthday party for the owner’s 4 year old grandson.  That is the most people I have seen in that place since she moved.  It took a bit longer to get lunch than usual, but I was determined I would get my ride in anyway.

I haven’t ridden for almost three weeks due to my back being messed up again.  I felt good enough that I made up my mind to ride up to Presque Isle in Erie.  As I rode the first leg to Conneaut, PA, where I planned to get gas, I started getting this sharp pressure on the top of my head from my helmet.  The cheek pads also seemed to be unreasonably tight or in the wrong place.  It felt like the helmet just wasn’t sitting right on my big fat head.  The pain was bad enough that I flipped the front face open a couple times while riding to see if I could reposition the helmet without taking it off.  No such luck.

I got to Conneaut and pulled into Sheetz for gas.  Once Maggie was full, I pulled over to the side and quickly took my helmet off.  I looked around the inside for something sharp that might have got in there (like above zip tie).  Nothing was in there and nothing even felt sharp.  One other time I had an issue with it hurting my head.  The inside padding is removable in three pieces… Two cheek pads and a top skull pad.  That time the back of the skull pad had come unsnapped on one side.  I checked but nothing was wrong there.

I put the helmet on and continued my northward ride.  I got to Erie with a splitting headache and my face actually hurt from the cheek pads not sitting correctly.  I stopped at the Tom Ridge Nature Center to go to the top of the tower to take a couple pictures since the day was so beautiful.  I figured that would give my head time to rest.  At the top of the tower, I took two panorama pictures.  Here they are linked together.  If you could see 360 degrees in one glance, this might be what it would look like.

Two panorama shots edited together to create a 360 degree view from the top of the tower.

Third point of the day was the point at the end of Presque Isle.  I spent about 15 or 20 minutes up on the tower enjoying the sun and watching the roller coaster over at Waldameer Park make its rounds.  Its funny having grown up with an Aunt and Uncle (and cousin) living in Erie.  You notice the difference in traffic and the noise coming from the park.  Kids today probably think the roller coaster always crossed Peninsula Drive.  I walked around inside the center for a bit.  They had a few bird displays (stuffed) that I didn’t see before.  I also walked around the gift shop, just to see what knick knacks this season had to offer.  I don’t think I’ve ever bought anything in there, but I walk through every time I stop there.

I left the Ridge Center and headed down onto Presque Isle.  I had noticed a couple times as I got near Erie that there were these little dandelion like spores floating in the breeze.  It was like snow on the ground in places once you got on the peninsula.  These things were small enough and numerous enough that they got in through the vents in my helmet.  Every time I stopped I had to brush little cotton puffs off my face.  I pinged my friends on Facebook to see if anyone knew what these things were.  The final answer… and the correct one, confirmed by the Ridge Center’s Tree Guide… is that they come from the Cottonwood Tree (a sub variety of the Poplar Tree).

I stopped at different places this time around.  I passed Perry Monument and road out to Beach 11.  Question?  Have the beaches always had normal names too?  I only ever remember them being called Beach 1 – 11.  I saw several pylons with verbal names.  I don’t recall those from the times I rode up last year.  I may just not have noticed them though.  I walked out on a couple different beaches.  The loose sand is hard on my back.  Fortunately, my riding boots gave me some extra support.  As I continued around the peninsula, I passed the light house.  I turned around and went back.  I’ve never taken pictures of the light house from the beach before.  Here they are!

I stopped at Sarah’s for a cheeseburger and onion rings and then pointed Maggie towards home.  I hadn’t made it 15 miles out of Erie when my helmet again started digging into my head and face.  Something is definitely wrong… the helmet is messed up or its my head… or both.  I made what adjustments I could while riding but decided that Sheetz in Meadville would be a required stop to fix this irritating mess.  I got to Sheetz and pulled in to the side lot.  I took my helmet off and began systematically removing the liner pieces.  I would find the problem or there would be something in there to pad against the unknown spear sticking into my head.

The right cheek pad was partially unsnapped.  Ok… That might explain the cheeks feeling tight,  but what was sticking me in the skull. As I started to remove the skull pad, I noticed that the front part was half unsnapped.  I didn’t even know that’s how that part went in there.  I thought it just slipped under the lip of the outer shell.  I refastened the loose part, making sure it was tucked under where it was supposed to be.  I put the cheek pads back into their proper positions and snapped them fast.  The rest of the  ride home was fairly comfortable… save for the sore spot that I had worn into my thick skull, aching a bit.

I had passed on the Orange ice cream cone at Sarah’s.  By the time I pulled into West Middlesex, I was convinced I needed a snack.  I don’t think I really needed one, but it sounds good… right.  I stopped at Dairy Queen and got a Cherry dipped Vanilla ice cream cone.  It was good, even though it got me razzed a bit on the internet because I got caught sitting on the picnic table eating it.  Sometimes ya just gotta do what ya just gotta do… Yeah. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

I came home and sat on the yard swing a bit before putting Maggie back in the barn.  She deserved to sit in the driveway for a bit after being cooped up for three weeks.  It was a nice evening to enjoy the swing.  Tink was in the window when I pulled up.  When I sat down on the swing (which is out of her view) she must have thought I was coming inside.  She got down to see if I gave her anything to eat.. Which I did eventually.

I noticed on my cell bill this month, that Dad’s phone once again was getting data use.  I had blocked it before because his neighbor’s daughter got a hold of it and installed a couple monthly billed apps and things.  He had told me he got some weird texts a while ago but it didn’t click that he shouldn’t get anything like that because I had them blocked.  I logged onto my AT&T account and clicked the Chat Support button.  The agent came up quickly.  I lucked out and got a young lady with a sense of humor.  She said that the previous block had been applied as temporary and had expired.  She put a permanent data block on that only I can revoke.  She also gave me a $20 credit for the data he used.  W00T!  I asked if she had a setting for a million dollars.  She said no. Bummer… Oh well!  I got the block turned back on and $20 to boot.  It was a nice way to end the day.

Tomorrow is to be nice too.  Not sure what I’ll do yet, but something.  Have a good night!

~Cappy

… shoulder and back.  What did you think I was going to say?

I spent the whole weekend medicated trying to get rid of the tightness in my left shoulder and spine.  Doc says my ribs are out of place and probably won’t go back on their own.  Nice that he called me back after I did what he asked and called him today (Sarcasm there… Neither He nor anyone else in the office for that matter,  called me back).

This whole past couple of weeks have been a pain in the … Depression has been running at a high.. or would that be low?  It’s been ugly.  I can’t ride the motorcycle right now between the pain and the effects of the medicines.  I’ve been just trying to deal.  Deal… yeah, right.  Basically, that means I’ve slept most of the time when I wasn’t required to be somewhere.

I forgot to take my muscle relaxer tonight.  I can feel it.  I really don’t want to take another one, but who knows if I can sleep without it.  I damn sure can sleep with it.  That’s all I did all day Saturday.  I feel like that is all I’ve been doing.  The hours that I am awake have been in a semi-stupor so I guess sleeping is better.

I know people say that you shouldn’t be down on yourself and “Only you can change the things you don’t like”.  I’ve heard that a lot lately.    I spent the last 5 months pushing myself to be happier and all it has gotten me is a bigger fall back into depression.  I guess I just haven’t found my “Happy Thought” yet.  I’m beginning to wonder what that is anymore.

I need to sort my life out.  I’ve seen a couple of motivational readings over the last few days that struck home in a very damaging way.  The advice they give seems sound enough if everything continues to improve but it doesn’t take into account the fact that sometimes you aren’t in control of all the pieces of the puzzle.  I guess this is where people, much stronger than me, just say “To Hell with this!” and make the leap of faith to quit and move on to something else… making a clean break with their problems, as it were.

There are a couple of decisions that I should make this week.  I just don’t know if I’m up for the challenge.  Then again… If there is no challenge, there is very little to learn.  I think I’m afraid that certain people have put me on a pedestal and it will be a hard fall if I can’t meet their standards.  I don’t need any more falls right now.   I should jump… Make the proverbial leap, but I’m afraid.  I don’t even know why I’m afraid, but standing here… Looking over the edge… I shake.  I close my eyes as tears well up.  Where has the courage gone?  I feel trapped inside my own cage of self doubt and the worthless feeling it creates.

I wish I knew which way to go, instead of stumbling around.  I’m rambling… I know it.  My thoughts have gone astray tonight.  I guess I’ll go to bed and hope I wake up in a better mood in the morning.

Toodles.

~Cappy

Our Memories Book to keep track of things that were important to us at that time.

I know this is going to go up late, but I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to post anything this year.  The image is the cover of the Memories book we received with our Graduation supplies.  I keep it up on the computer desk hutch.  I don’t know why.  There isn’t much in it.  At times, I wish I could forget May 31st, 1985.  It was a day that we should have cherished as a major stepping stone in our lives.  A damned tornado took care of that. I posted/shared a couple news articles earlier that had some detail about the tornado that changed our lives in ways none of ‘The Class of 85’ would have ever dreamed as we sat on the stage in the auditorium.  I look back now at these few memories and wish I had done more.

On the inside the front cover of Memories, it says “Memories of some of the best times of my life”.  There is some irony.  There were few things I liked about school, but there are a few good memories.  Typical of my school years, the second page says “Mount your picture here”…  No picture.  My name and things are filled in but I think I did that 5 years later.

In the next pages marked “Vital Statistics” and “The Past”, there is nothing written.  I have a picture of the Big Red Marching Band which I proudly was a part of.  Note how much of the bleachers we took up at the time.  We had over 100 people in the band alone plus we had the Sundancers.

The next pages “Special Favorites” and “And More” are also blank.  Here I have a picture of the WM Volunteer Fire Department in what looks to be the Homecoming Parade.  I probably was in one of the Fire Trucks.  I didn’t go to any of the school dances.  To this day, I’m not much of a dancer.  I wasn’t much of a ‘chick magnet’ either.  I was kind of a loner… pretty much just like today.

Most of my school events were spent behind the scenes doing lights and/or sound, playing in the band or doing some other required work that usually got little recognition. The next section “Class Schedule” and “Faculty Favorites” are also void of writing.  In between these pages was this picture from Jazz Band.  I guess I would classify Mr. Manhollan as one of my favorites.  I enjoyed band for the most part.  I enjoy many kinds of music to this day, probably due to my participation in band.

Between the next pages, labeled “Fall Sports” (again, nothing written), is a picture of the place I got my start in doing lighting and sound.  My first job doing lighting and sound was sitting up in the crawl space above the auditorium, turning on and off a switch that started the mirror ball.  From there I progressed to Assistant Stage Manager, Stage Manager and even being hired back for a performance or two of other things the school was doing.

The picture is of Jazz Rock Ensemble.  I truly enjoyed Jazz Rock.  I got to tinker with many things that would lead me to many other things after school.  Those were fun times.

The group did a tour of local schools one year.  We performed at Buhl Park.  We even went with the Concert Choir to the William Penn Hotel.  I got to go just because I was a member of the crew.  We didn’t drag any lights or sound with us on that trip.  We went on a Dinner Cruise on the Gateway Clipper after the William Penn performance.  Somewhere along the line, someone got wind of the fact that the Ensemble was there.  Could have been that we were all wearing the same Burgundy and Blue sweaters for our Christmas Show.  Needless to say, they asked the group to perform.  I actually ran lights… well… Ok.  I flipped the wall switches that controlled the track lights above the dance floor.

There are a few empty pages and then we come to the name Name Cards Page. Pat Goodwin and Tammy Green are the only other two classmates that I got cards from.  Jim Blaire, made a piece of paper with his name on it and put it in there as well.

“Memories of that Special Someone”, “Those Special Times to Remember”, “Spring Break”, “Spring Sports” and on and on… all empty.  Then we come to the pages “Graduation and Celebration”.  These pages remained blank until May 21st, 1996.  The movie “Twister” had just come out.  Seeing it brought back many vivid images of the night of Graduation and the days that followed.  Those images jarred my memory.  I sat down and wrote on both pages.  Thoughts, feelings, memories and even how things I saw in the movie compared to the ‘real thing’.  I don’t think I knew it then, but the tornado that went through here was classified an F5.  The one in the movie was only an F4.  I dated the page at 12:29 AM May 21, 1996.

Again, a few more blank pages pass.  We arrive at the pages of my Memories book that have A LOT of writing on them… “Autographs”.  There are many things written here that I value now that I’m older.  Friendships still strong… Old friends that I now talk to through Facebook or other social media.  Kind words and silliness that bring smiles and tears in the same moment.   The Autographs continue to the next page.

In between these pages are stuck, the Rules for conducting yourself during the ceremony, the stage plot with arrows showing where to walk and the seating chart where each Classmate would sit on stage.  I didn’t scan any of that because they were crappy copies to start with and you wouldn’t be able to read them.

The next page is blank “Looking Ahead”  The final page and inside cover are titled “Memories”.  In February of 1990, I wrote out my “Memories” of May 31st, 1985.  There seems to be some anger in these words… A lot of hurt.  I even mention the thought of having a reenactment of The Class of 85’s graduation for our reunion.  It took 20 years, but the class did have its day on the stage.  I wasn’t able to be there but I captured the moments via photos and such on a website for the class  www.wmhsclassof85.com.

Graduation 20 Years Later

So there you have it… 29 years gone by.   We have only lost one Classmate that I am aware of… Tiffany Bartel.  We’re all a little older.  We survived the horrible tragedy that struck our valley on what was supposed to be one of the best nights of our lives.  Seeing the news articles and weather data from that day so long ago, that sometimes feels like only yesterday, brings back many feelings.  I still feel for the families of those in the area that lost loved ones.  The damage the tornado caused was so random, ripping up one side of the street completely, but leaving the house 100 ft away totally intact.  I will remember that night.  We will remember that night… The West Middlesex Class of 1985

~Curtis

There was a time not long ago when that headline would have read “Depression… The New Normal.”   While depression is still a part of my life, I have been trying to work to be a happier, more positive person.  I have many more good days than bad now.  The problem is… The bad days are worse.

I find myself facing daily frustrations.  I’m trying to accept that bad days happen and you just need to work around them.  It gets ugly some days.  I get the feeling that I’m the cause… like I’m somehow unconciously doing something to trip myself up.  I have always had trouble processing compliments.  When these frustrations happen, I get even more unsure if someone is truly complimenting me or just blowing smoke to throw me off.

As a fan of Mythbusters, I have admired the outlook that Adam Savage has on learning because that’s how I feel I have learned.  He believes that having knowledge of different jobs and tools is much better than focusing on mastering just one thing.  I have done this my whole life.  I  learn the things I need to know to do something and leave the fluff behind.

I get complimented all the time on how ‘smart’ I am.  I don’t really believe that I am that much smarter than anyone else.  I do believe that when faced with challenges, I have chosen to absorb the information that I need to get the job done.  As such, I do what needs to be done to reach my goal.   A lot of times I feel like what makes me appear smart to others is simply that I choose to apply common sense in a day and age where most people don’t really understand the phrase “common sense”.

I get really… and I do mean really… frustrated when I see something that appears to be such an obvious solution sitting right in front of someone and they either choose to ignore it or are simply too blind to see it.  I was told once by someone I used to hold in high regard that I needed to bite my tongue when this happens.  Needless to say, that person then set me up for a fall and I lost respect for them.  Now, I choose when to bite my tongue and when to ‘have at it’ as it were.  Sometimes, people just need to have their eyes opened.  Several things are going on in my life right now that are just tearing at me.  I want to quit but I know that only hurts me and then there is no chance to change the outcome.  I need to “have at it”, but in the correct manner.

My frustation sometimes comes from lack of knowledge… either mine or someone elses.  In the case of it being my short-coming, I get a lift when I finally figure out what I was missing and can comit it to memory.  I have always enjoyed learning useful stuff… and sometimes not so useful stuff.  When it seems like its someone elses lack of knowledge, I get frustrated beyond sanity, especially when there is no attempt on the other person’s part to even try.  Most people are smarter than they think.  They just need to open their eyes, ears and brains and shut their mouths for a second.

I am usually a loner.  It wasn’t until recently that I began to understand why.  It has nothing to do with liking or not liking people.  I has to do with the comfort level I have with the way they handle their knowledge.  I don’t like being uncomfortable, especially when I can’t control what is going on.  I don’t feel like a control freak but there are sometimes I just want to say “Can’t you see what your are doing!?… It’s right there!!”  Rather than make myself into a pompous, arrogant ass, I just go my own way.

I hope the things that are really bugging me right now work out in the end.  I’ve been on the edge of ‘quitting’ for some time and I’m teatering.  I keep trying… hoping… that I will learn something I can add to my store of knowledge and in some way make these things successful.

I developed the motto “Don’t take it personal.  It is what it is.  Do what you can.  What you can’t control… You can’t control.”

Just my thoughts.

~Cappy