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Pets – Companions or Part of the Family

Posted by Cappy on May 19, 2011
Posted in: Tink. Leave a Comment

[fgallery id=4 w=250 h=200 t=0 title=”Tinkerbell”]

Two years ago this past January 22nd, I adopted a medium haired Calico cat. She belonged to a friend of the gal I was dating at the time. They had tried and tried to give her away but were about ready to give up and take her to the shelter. I had been debating getting a cat, but didn’t want to go through the hassle of dealing with a kitten.

Shortly after getting Tink, she became extremely ill. She would hide all the time. The only way I could get her out was to use some ham or other morsel that she really liked. She wasn’t eating other than when I hand fed her. I took her to the vet. She had severe ear infections in both ears. The vet felt she had extreme social problems or health issue and I may not be able to keep her. Tests showed nothing more than worms and the ear infection. It has taken a while, but I now have a wonderful friend.

I had a cat back in high school, Missy. Missy was fairly smart, but Tink (short for Tinkerbell) is far more intelligent than most cats I’ve met. Either that or she has me trained really well. She knows what the basement is. Where her food goes and will gladly show you if you don’t put it in the right place. She has never been a lap cat and is not much for being held. Lately though, I have been able to pick her up and put her on my chest while I lay down. She will stay for a little bit without grumping. This has led to a new habit of walking up on my chest or my side while I’m sleeping. She will lay down and purr loudly.

I find it amazing how animals get into our lives. They start out as companions or critters to entertain us and move into the state of being like children. Tink greets me at the door every night. Jumps up to make sure I’m awake every morning when the alarm goes off. She even seems to know when I shouldn’t be sleeping and comes to check on me to make sure I’m ok. We have grown quite attached to each other.

This past year has been tough on me with losing Mom and the ATV crash. There have been many times where I have sat down on the couch or the edge of the bed and felt like breaking down. Tink comes over and rubs my legs and feet or jumps up and smooths against my back. I find her purr soothing. She will lay near by as if to say “I’m here. It will be ok.” I don’t know what I’d do without her little furball presence hanging around the house.

To think there was a time when I thought to myself “Do I really want a cat?” We’ve both benefited from our time together. I am so glad I didn’t say no when she was offered to me or didn’t listen to the vet when the vet thought she was too sick/unruley to keep. She is the child I never had.

Strange Dreams

Posted by Cappy on May 15, 2011
Posted in: Life. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a Comment

I frequently have very vivid (aka life like) dreams. This morning, however, was a first. I think.

The dream started out on a rainy Saturday night, last night as a matter of fact. I was debating what to have for dinner. Should I have the regular Saturday night fare or something different? Something different, yes, I’ll go to the new pizza shop.

Something, I should probably tell you is where the ‘new’ pizza shop was. This is where things get a bit ‘odd’. The ‘new’ pizza shop was located in the US Post Office. It’s name “Postal Pizza”. It’s slogan “We deliver.” This shop is open after the normal mail service hours as they use the same counter and the ovens and other cooking gear is set in the mail sorting area, on wheels. They roll in and out to get them out of the way durning mail sorting. These have been installed in rural post offices as a means of making money to meet the Postal Budget. They also installed two box lit signs. A large sign advertising the Post Office and its functions. A smaller sign with the pizza shop logo and slogan on it.

I can see the Post Office out my back door. Yep, Postal Pizza it will be. The sign is lit so I stroll over. I walk in. There are several folks there picking up pizza. There is no smell of dough or pizza cooking. Several people are behind the counter. Some filling orders. Some chatting aimlessly. As the line goes down, I hear folks behind the counter talking about closing for the night.

I am the last one standing at the counter. No one seems to be paying any attention to the fact I’m there. They contine babbling. One person makes a comment about turning out the lobby lights. He reaches for the breaker and I watch as the sign and lobby lights go out. Hmmmm.

I wave at the folks behind the counter trying to get their attention. One lady waves back but no one comes over to say “I’m sorry we’re closing.” or anything. I finally say, “Excuse me, I’ve been here 5 minutes and no one has come to the counter.” No response. After a moment, I decide to shout just in case they can’t hear me.

This is where it gets odd. I wake myself up shoulting “Is anybody going to wait on me?!” I know I shouted it outloud in my sleep. Tink was sleeping at my feet. She immediately rushed up on my chest and gave me a look like “What is that all about?!” I don’t recall ever before shouting in my sleep. Hmm.

Long time no blog

Posted by Cappy on May 9, 2011
Posted in: Life. Leave a Comment

It has been awhile since I’ve entered anything here. Mom’s death left me drained both mentally and physically. It was hard enough to think what I needed to do from day to day, let alone figure out how to put my thoughts and feelings into words.

Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone since my last post. We had Thanksgiving at Aunt Doris and Uncle Bob’s. Mom was missed but Christmas was much more of a challenge for me. Christmas was Mom’s holiday. She was like a little kid. We made it through the day and the week that followed, but there was definately and sadness in my heart. I could have skipped Christmas all together but Mom would have struck Dad and I both down.

I had started a new relationship just before Christmas. Things seemed to be going ok. There were a lot of things that ended up getting in the way and we broke up with a nasty battle of words. That’s fine. I’m more comfortable by myself anyway. Tinkerbell and I enjoy each other’s company. Tink lets me know with a growl when she doesn’t agree with something I do. I don’t have to interpret hidden signals or double edged meanings. Maybe I’ll find someone special someday. Maybe I won’t. For now, I am content to deal with my life as it comes.

They set Mom’s stone about a week or so before Easter. I went to the cemetary by myself Easter morning. Tears fell as I thought about how Mom would be celebrating Easter in heaven this year at Jesus’ side. Doris called and asked what we wanted to do for Easter dinner. Dad and I decided that we would just go out to eat. No sense the bunch coming in from out of town and having to cook or drag it all in. It was a idea.

Yesterday was Mother’s day. I took some snips for the Lilac Tree in the back yard and put them on the grave. I’m glad she didn’t want buried back ‘in the old country’ as she called it. As I stood there, I realized what Mom meant one time long ago when she talked about going back to visit her Dad’s grave and feeling like he wasn’t there. While I know Mom’s body is there below that stone, I know her spirit rests with God. She is free from the Cancer that took her strength.

I hope to start a weekly update here, a journel of my silliness, as it were.

Driving for Dummies…

Posted by Cappy on October 20, 2010
Posted in: Journal. Leave a Comment

I’m not bragging that I’m the world’s best driver, but when it comes to watching some of these folks on the road lately… I’m pretty darn good. I learned early in my driving life that you can’t drive looking right in front of your vehicle. You watch a good way ahead of you so that you can catch changes in traffic and adjust before you are on top of them.

I get a good laugh at times as I drive home from work. Yesterday’s humor came from a guy in a little convertible Mazda sports car. This idiot, obviously never learned the above lesson.

Here is how things played out:

I was in the right lane. Up ahead, 2 tractor trailers were making their way up a long hill. I surmised that if I stayed in my lane, the truck in the right lane would clear the one in the left and I could hold my speed. My peripheral vision caught movement in my rear view mirror. Mr. Mazda was quickly gaining on me. He blew by me in the left lane. I knew he was going to have to switch lanes to clear the truck creeping up the hill in his lane. I am not sure whether Mr. Mazda assumed that the truck would drop back to the right lane or he was too busy talking on his cell phone to notice he was coming up fast on the truck. He was forced to jam on the brakes to keep from becoming part of the trailer. I let out a maniacal chuckle as I passed both he and the truck without so much as adjusting my cruise control. The truck driver decided to change back to the right lane just as Mr. Mazda swerved right to go around him. Last I saw of Mr. Mazda in my rear view mirror, his hands were waving in the air and making rather rudimentary gestures at the truck driver. I believe he was using some ancient form of sign language to demonstrate his I.Q.

The moral of this story is… Just because you have a fast car and are going fast, doesn’t mean you are going to get there before everyone else. Your inefficient skills and erratic driving are not only wasting fuel, but likely to get you held up by traffic, the police or worse… the coroner.

Dealing with things such as they are…

Posted by Cappy on August 7, 2010
Posted in: Journal. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a Comment

My emotions are spinning right now. Since Mom passed away, my stomach has been tied in knots and I haven’t been able to focus my thoughts on any one specific task. I did ok ‘til the other night as things settled down. Sadness started to creep in driven by a realization that Mom won’t be at the house when I go up anymore. Anger too crossed my mind. How many times had I done things that I know had disappointed her? Did I say “I love you” enough?
I have a gal in my life that I had hoped would become more than just a friend. We tried, but the closer we got the more we realized our differences. She and I had a long talk tonight. Tears ran down my face, as I sat in a dark parking lot out by the lake. Even though it didn’t work out as I had hoped and it never will. I value her friendship and the closeness we were able to achieve. I know I had her confused as we talked tonight. My brain has been going so many directions. I’m not sure I even can keep it straight.
For a long time, I’ve wondered if I’d ever get married and have kids. It’s been a hurtful subject to me because I’m it, the end of the line. Something the doctor mentioned when we took Mom to Hillman Cancer Center two weeks before she died really struck a nerve. The doctor said “If you have any special plans… anniversary parties, weddings…” He began to say plans to have children but then added something like “..well you can’t really make that go any faster.” My heart sank to the basement. Mom would never see her grandchildren, me getting married or any of that. Anger once again creeps in. Why have I not been more outgoing in my relationships or search for one? Why have I wasted my life? For what… to be alone? To fulfill my greatest fear that I will die at a young age like my uncle who shared my birthday and whom my middle name came from. I don’t want that but it seems more and more that through my own actions or lack thereof, I will die alone with this worthless feeling in my heart.
I battled depression hard when I lost my grandma (Mom’s mom). I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t ask for help. I shed tears and fought the anger and fatigue all on my own. I went through the same unsettled thought processes then. I tried to prepare myself for Mom’s passing. I knew that day would come because of her Cancer. I fortified myself with all the knowledge that the books say will help you get through rough times. I spent hours of sleepless nights staring off into the darkness convincing myself that because I knew the day would come, I could be strong and not go through these dark valleys again. Once again, my misguided self slams hard into a brick wall.
I have a friend staying with me for a while. He is, as Mom frequently would tell people, “My adopted brother”. I know he must think I’m upset with him right now. I feel like I’ve acted that way. I don’t mean to be. Little things that once would not be a problem for me tweak at my nerves. I probably would have been interested in the movie he had on tonight, but I felt like smashing the tv and yelling at him instead. I didn’t. I chose to go for a drive instead. I don’t want to be angry with anyone. I hope they all understand that I’m having a hard time with things right now. I apologize.
I don’t know why I feel most comfortable when I’m alone. I always have. Right now, alone is the last place I need to be. It strikes up too many thoughts of things I’ve put aside or missed out on in my life.. I look at friends and see them struggle to pay bills the bills because they’ve got a family to feed. How many times these past several weeks I’d have gladly been in the financial hole to have a wife and kids to come home to instead of the lonely thoughts trapped inside my head that keep me awake at night.

Thank you to all those across the internet and in my life who have stood by me through these past few weeks. I cherish you all. Forgive me if I’m out of sorts, get angry or I ramble. Time will mend my shattered mind. Until then, don’t be surprised to see more of these letters. It’s one of the ways I deal with what is eating at me inside. Many times I write them and destroy them without letting anyone see them. Those letters are usually the angry ones. Sometimes I just don’t know any other way of saying what is on my heart. Thanks again for being there.

~Curtis

Sometimes things just fall in place…

Posted by Cappy on July 30, 2010
Posted in: Journal. Tagged: , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

… or the Big Guy Upstairs makes them work out.

I have had a concern that things would be difficult when it came to the end of Mom’s fight with Cancer. She and Dad had talked informally about things, but nothing was in writing. In this day and age, everything has to be set in stone when you die. Nobody wants the liability if something isn’t carried out right.

Mom passed away Monday morning. I dreaded the call to 911 but I knew it had to be made and I knew dad did not have the strength to make it. I made the call. The dispatcher was courteous and kind. She didn’t push for any more information than what was necessary. If you’ve ever had to make a 911 call, you know that they can be pushy in trying to get the information they need. They often want you to stay on the line for your own safety as well as so they get immediate notification of a change in the situation. This lady got just the information she needed and said “We’ll make sure the right people are notified.” She hung up with me.

McGonigle Ambulance and two police cruisers arrived. I told them Mom did not want resuscitated but she had yet to build the official DNR order. The Ambulance crew called the doctor’s office and the funeral home where we wanted her to be. They politely took the EKG to confirm what we all already knew. It is required and they did their best to be considerate to us. They asked us to step out while they got her ready for transport. We were given time with her when she was ready. The officers asked only the questions they absolutely needed. No attitude was given. No one was in a hurry. They all made sure we felt comfortable. The first of my major concerns over the DNR had been softened. I know that sometimes without it, the crews can be forced to begin CPR. It never even came up.

While they were loading Mom into the ambulance to take her to the Funeral Home, I noticed one of Dad’s neighbors standing in her garage. She has been a very good friend of the family for all my years. I told Dad that I needed to walk over and tell her in person. She was very shaken. As she and I talked, her neighbor pulled in. Their family has also been close to us. I told her what had happened. We stood in the front yard as tears were shed. No one could believe it. Again, things had worked out perfectly. I didn’t have to go up to the house to find out if anyone was home. Their mother has her own health problems and I didn’t want to have to confront her with this kind of news without her daughters around.

The Funeral Director and Mom/Dad’s pastor both came to the house at the same time shortly after the ambulance delivered Mom to the Funeral Home. The Funeral Director has been friends with Mom/Dad since taking over the Funeral Home several years ago. He recounted some neat things Mom and he had gotten a chuckle over. Pastor stayed with us for a while. Their pastor said if we knew someone we would prefer to do the service, he understood. Dad and I both said, almost at the same time, “No.. Mom would have wanted you to do it.” She liked Pastor Chung from the day she met him. They had struggled long and hard about changing churches. When they finally made the move, they felt so at home. Mom was so happy they decided to move to this church. After the pastor left, Dad and I began the task of calling friends and relatives to let them know. My aunts and uncle showed up later to help with the task. You don’t realize how hard it is to think of all these folks until you have to do it through the fog of losing a loved one.

Monday afternoon we headed to the funeral home to make arrangements. My Aunts helped fill in some of the information Dad and I weren’t sure about. Earlier, Dad and I had picked out Mom’s clothes. Once again, what could have been a challenge was easy. We had one outfit picked out but continued looking. It didn’t feel right. Her skirt from her 25th Wedding Anniversary was hanging on the closet door. We agreed we should use that. We had to hunt a little bit to find the top to it, but we both agreed that it was the best choice. As we went to look at caskets, one particular one caught my eye as we rounded the corner. It was an earth tone color combination but the handles were what drew me to it. They had emblems of a cross emblazoned with rays of light coming out from it. In the lid, the material formed a cross. That was Mom, A ray of light for Christ. She didn’t have to shove her religion down your throat. You knew she loved Christ just by the way she acted and what she did. She enjoyed her walk with God and it showed. I didn’t say anything as the Funeral Director continued through the qualities and costs of the different boxes. I knew the one I would recommend when the time came. When the Funeral Director asked if any one particular design was better, Dad pointed to the one with the crosses and said that would be his choice. Again, a tough decision was made easy.

My aunts and uncle had agreed they would go home that evening to give us time to relax and unwind. Tuesday morning started out with a barrage of phone calls to Dad. We were to meet the caretaker at the cemetery around 10:30 am. Again, Mom and Dad had talked about getting lots but had never followed through doing it. When they started showing us the lots, one particular area caught my eye. There was one other area on the map that I wanted to see so we checked that out. That spot was too far from the road. Dad would have to trudge up the hill to get to it. Not a good thing with his bad knees. When asked which spot he preferred, Dad pointed out the same location I had chosen. I hadn’t said that’s the one I liked. As I looked at the grave markers around the lots we wanted, I saw names of families that I knew. Yes, this was the spot. Dad and I now have lots there beside Mom around people we know.

Dad and I went home from the cemetery to a quiet house. The phone never rang. The doorbell was silent. We both took a much needed nap. After the nap, we called the pastor to talk with him about the service. He came up and asked a few questions about what we wanted. He asked for a couple of Mom’s favorite scriptures. We couldn’t answer him. Mom had multiple Bibles and she had read them all cover to cover. We gave him a couple to look at and he picked out versus that were fitting. We asked if he wanted more and he replied that he had found some very appropriate things bookmarked or notated. Wow. That was quick. Again, things worked out easily. The Lord was very close as we made all these decisions. He made them clear and easy.

After Pastor left, Dad and I debated on what we would have for dinner. It wasn’t long before the doorbell rang. A lady they met at her garage sale brought a cabbage casserole and fresh lettuce and veggies from her garden. A long time family friend arrived with chicken and potatoes and desert. She sat for a while and talked about guilt she felt having survived breast cancer for these many years and mom had succumbed to it. We assured her that was something to feel blessed for, not guilty about. As she was getting ready to leave, her daughter showed up with Lasagna. We hadn’t had anything like that since this all started so we made short work of that. We have had such great neighbors and friends through all of this. We haven’t had to cook since the day Mom went into the hospital. Food and other things always seemed to show up when they were needed. My uncle has commented many times how great it is that our neighbors are so close, not just in proximity, but in friendship.

As I went into Wednesday, my nerves were shot. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to hold it together while I stood up there greeting people. I had stayed up into the wee hours of the morning wrestling together a slide show that I titled “Through the Years” as a tribute to Mom. It played throughout the day on Wednesday and Thursday. I was tired. My back was sore. How was I going to be strong for my Dad through this whole day? When people started filing into the funeral home, it became evident that Mom had touched many people. The line stretched out the door at one time. So much so, that the Funeral Director came over and asked if we could keep things short to accommodate everyone who came to pay respects. That was difficult because so many of them had uplifting stories about how Mom had touched their lives. Those stories gave me the strength to stand and laugh and smile as the day wore on. We closed the viewing at about 4:20 and went home to get a bight to eat and some rest.

The evening viewing proved just as daunting in numbers of people coming to pay respects. This time though, I wasn’t nervous. I enjoyed listening to how they knew Mom and felt comforted in the fact that she had touched so many. My friends and coworkers also came. Ron, my ‘adopted brother’ who lives in Kansas, drove in to help out. He stepped in wherever he was needed. He spent a lot of time with my family when we were in high school. I really appreciate him being here. The line flowed into one room and for the longest time snaked around past the slideshow so that we could get everybody in the door. People kept coming and coming and coming. We finally ended shortly after 9. We all came back to Dad’s to unwind. As we did, we discussed the number of folks that had come through that day.

Thursday again tested my nerves. This time, we wouldn’t just be viewing. We would be saying our goodbyes for the last time. I pulled out my laptop about 9 in the morning and checked my email. I ran it on battery because I had the cords wrapped up to take back to the funeral home. There was a message from Sherry there. She is in Boston with Camille at an ice skating competition. More than once she offered to stay behind and let her dad take Camille to Boston so that she could help my dad and I out. I can’t express what that means to me. She was on messenger so I shot her a text. She said she had already talked to her mom and if I needed her to, she’d get back here. I told her to please stay with Camille and the other kids from the club. We have lots of folks helping and providing things at this point and I wouldn’t even know what to ask her to help with. I know I’ll need a shoulder and some support as the days wane on. Her offer to help won’t go unanswered. We signed off so that she could go deal with the kids and I could finish getting ready to go get Dad.

Ron and I went and got breakfast for the three of us. My aunts and uncle were already up at the house when we got there. In the rush to leave, I put the laptop to sleep so I wouldn’t have to wait for the full restart time when we got to the funeral home. We ate while my aunts and uncle headed down to greet any early arrivals. When we arrived at the funeral home, I quickly set the slideshow up and went to greet people who were already coming in. They came… and they came… and they came… The Funeral Director ran back and forth putting up more and more chairs. The place was packed to the gills. Mom truly had touched a lot of folks.

The service began. I was tired and sore but a smile came to my face as Pastor recounted stories of how Mom had touched his life in the short time he’d known her. The sermon was perfect. I am so glad we let Pastor Chung do the service. He was the only choice. It was clear to me why Mom liked him so much. After the service, they asked us to remain seated while they ushered the visitors out row by row. It was hard to watch family friends and relatives pay the final respects. Soon it was our turn. I watched with tears welling in my eyes as my aunts said goodbye to their sister. Dad and I said our goodbyes together. I cried hard as I said “Goodbye Mom”. I touched her hand as we slowly turned and gathered ourselves to make the drive to the cemetery. The drive was tough on me as well. I have followed the hearse in other processions for my grandparents and other relatives, but this time it was for Mom. I knew things would soon be over.

The service at the cemetery was nice. There were no signs of the storms that moved through the area Wednesday night. The sky was a beautiful blue with white puffy clouds floating by in the soft breeze. The temperature was no longer hot and humid. The Lord blessed us with a beautiful day. The spray we got for the casket was so beautiful in the sun. Mom loved Pansies. They are out of season, but the Funeral Director had asked the florist about them. The florist found some really nice artificial Pansies and put them in the spray with Roses and other flowers. The family took the artificial Pansies home as an unending memento of Mom.

Before going over to the church for dinner, I packed up my laptop and monitor that had been running the slideshow in the funeral home. To my disbelief, It had been running that whole time on battery. I had forgotten to plug it in because so many people were already coming. Once again, God gave the battery enough life that it ran from a little after 9 am clear through just about 1 pm, with a short sleep in between home and the service.

The dinner was great. I sat with a schoolmate and her mom (who had Cancer surgery and radiation this past summer). The family was the last to leave. Typical of my bunch, they helped the church folks pack up the chairs and things even though they were told numerous times others would handle that. We went back to Dad’s with the family where they could talk and enjoy each other’s company. To be honest, Dad and I were both spent. He started drifting off to sleep in his chair even through the noise of his niece’s little girl playing loudly in the room behind his chair. I was so spent I almost felt physically sick. When everyone was gone, we both took a long nap. We had already agreed that we would go to Wendy’s for dinner, just for something different. Ron came back from his brother’s and even he took a nap. When we all got awake, we headed off to Wendy’s. Never thought fast food would taste so good.

I mention fast food because we haven’t had to go out to eat at all since Mom got sick. We went to Eat n Park the night Mom was admitted to the hospital. That was only because it was so late by the time we got Mom settled in at the hospital. Dad’s neighbors and our family friends have been beyond great since that Friday. They have been bringing in food every day, way more than the two of us can eat. We’ve been able to feed the army of visitors and relatives without question of needing more food. The neighbor kids have taken up mowing Dad’s grass. We had offers of help beyond count.

I know I will feel sad and lonely as things wind down this weekend, but there have been some really good moments in all this. I’m doing alright. Dad’s holding up well emotionally. His knees are another story. Maybe he can get them fixed now that he doesn’t have to care for Mom. Mom doesn’t have to worry about cancer anymore. She doesn’t have to hear the whine of that silly oxygen pump or be limited to as far as her oxygen tubing will reach. No more pain… No more shots or tests… No more wigs. I’m sure she looks down on us with a smile like only she can give. I know she would be happy with the way things went today. She can rest now. The long fight is over. God holds her hand now in everlasting peace.

I love you Mom.

Thoughts and things….

Posted by Cappy on July 22, 2010
Posted in: Journal. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

I sit here at work stressed out not wanting to do anything. Waves of sadness, anger, depression and fear wash over me from time to time as I think about where things stand in my life right now. I almost want to go lock myself in a dark room and shut out everything today. Everything is going wrong or at least that’s how it seems. Mom’s cancer catching up to her. Problems with my truck that were caused by an aftermarket dealer who should know what he’s doing. Work not being what I want. My relationship status is not where I’d hoped it could be.

Sadness…

Over the last five years or so I’ve watched Mom battle cancer. Most of the fight has been surprisingly better than expected. The aggressive cancer type she had pops up and gets beaten down by the chemo or radiation. It rears its ugly head somewhere else and we change treatments and move on. She has remained pretty active and has had realitively few bad side affects from the chemo. She gets tired, food changes flavor and she’s lost her hair more than once, but all in all its been a good fight. Two weeks ago today, she could not sleep laying down. That Friday, Dad took her to the emergency room not able to breathe well. Since then things have not looked good. The doctors all ask how long she’s been on oxygen. We tell them that it’s only been in the last two weeks and they look at us surprised. What do they know that we do not?

Anger…

I get angry easily these days. Angry at the stupidity of people. Angry at myself for not being better prepared. This anger shifts to Mom and Dad from time to time as it seems they just want to wait it out and not take action. I don’t want to put Mom through any more than she needs to do. It’s already been a long fight, but I don’t want to lose her either. There are legal things that need addressed so that she gets the treatments she wants or does not want. Every day we wait is one more day that she is less able to make her own choices. I was angry at the doctor in Pittsburgh for being so blunt about her prognosis. He was upset with Mom and Dad for not having discussed how things should progress as the cancer gained more ground. I understand that he has seen so many people come through his office unprepared for what is coming that he feels the need to emphasise just how import planning is. I get angry at my aunts for coming to ‘help’ with Mom and then tearing the house apart around her. It frustrates Mom and she doesn’t need that. I go home at night to my own house and shed tears because I’ve had to fight anger all day. Anger I know is missplaced and is hurting noone but me.

Depression…

I am most comfortable when I’m by myself. I don’t like to ask for help but will if necessary. I’ve fought depression for years. I’ve learned to look inside myself to find the strength to go on from day to day. Right now, however, I’m lost within my own soul. Friends and family stand beside me, doing their best to hold me up. While I appreciate their strength and love, I try to fight for the strength to hold on and be strong for Mom and Dad. I thought I’d probably not be able to sleep because of all the emotions spinning through my mind. I find myself falling into deep depression induced sleep as soon as I stop moving. I think of the future and realize there are things Mom has hoped to see happen in my life that she mostly won’t get to see. Things like my wedding day… Grandchildren… Hell.. I don’t even know if they’ll happen or not. Tears well up as I think of this. I don’t want to lose her!!!

Faith…

A lot of folks have asked me to speak with my pastor. I don’t have one any more. A pastor and church ‘family’ in my past has become a stumbling block to my faith. While I do believe whole heartedly that God exists and is in control of our lives, the Church itself has lost its importance in my life. I had my heart ripped out by people who were supposed to be the ones that loved me. It hurt Mom badly when I left the church. I know she shed tears over it. In time, they saw the changes I saw and now have moved to another church. I pray silently when I feel angry, sad and/or depressed that God will lift me up and will hold Mom close as she continues down whatever road He chooses to take her. I appreciate all those of you who are my friends whether only on the net or you are folks I’ve met and spend time with. If it weren’t for your thoughts and prayers, my faith would probably be completely gone.

Pain and Hurt…

It tore me up when my Grandparents (Mom’s parents) passed. They were an example of faith and strength in my life. Mom has had faith beyond measure that she would endure through the last five years. I know that she will have her place in Heaven with them. I watched as my Grandmother fought cancer and won, only to have demensia take her mind from her. As hard as it is for me to see Mom sick, I hope that she doesn’t have to go through that. It was hard on the whole family. Am I selfish to ask that if the Lord is going to take her, that he take her quickly and not let her suffer? It hurts me to think I would want to see her pass from her pain and suffering. I feel like such a terrible son at times.

Whatever comes these next few days.. weeks… months.. I will do my best to fight for her and help wherever I can.

Lord hold me up. Give me strength to keep going. Give me the inner peace to go on. Give Dad the strength and comfort that he requires to deal with all that this has brought. Most of all lift Mom up and hold her in your mercy that only you can provide.

Moments in Life

Posted by Cappy on April 26, 2010
Posted in: Journal, Life. Leave a Comment

This is the image I created for the kiddo's Valentine I gave her.

Did you ever have one of those moments in your life that changed your point of view?

Over the past year and a half or so, a couple ladies came into my life. Mother and daughter found a special place in my heart. I first began this adventure after talking to Mom online. I’ve always been concerned, that if I ever dated a woman with kids, the kids may not like me. Not so in this case, the daughter quickly became comfortable around me and I around her. An odd companionship formed that I couldn’t explain until recently.

I’ve never had kids of my own. I have many friends with kids. I get along well with most all of them, so I shouldn’t be surprise that I would get along with this young lady. Right? I went along as the months passed enjoying the company of ‘my two favorite blondes’, as I frequently call them. What I didn’t realize is the place the young lady took in my heart. I’ve been around my friend Vince’s kids. He’s like a brother to me and his kids are very special in my eyes. This was somehow different. It really didn’t dawn on me how until February, when I tagged along to her ice skating competition in New York.

At the competition before New York, she fell and landed hard on her knees. The expression on her face made it instantly clear that she was hurt. My heart sunk. She got up and finished her routine without missing a beat. Tears came down her face as she left the ice. Mom shoved the video camera into my hand with a “Take this…” as she headed down the bleachers to aid her daughter. I moved down so the kiddo didn’t have to climb the bleachers to where we had been sitting. My heart hurt as she sobbed waiting for Grandma to return with the ice bags. It was like a part of me had crashed head-on into the ice with her. She got her skates off and went to sit with her teammates for a while. Soon, she was up running around with the gang and a weight lifted from my soul.

Off to the next competition, a larger one in New York. Mom had told me that I could come up if I wanted but it was probably a waste of my time and money as Kiddo wasn’t skating as many events due to the cost. I wouldn’t be able to spend much time with them because of all the running around involved. I chose to book my own hotel room and go anyway. I couldn’t get in their hotel. It was full because it is directly across the street from the rink. I did get in one that was one block away. No big deal to me. I could actually see their hotel and the rink from my window. The money didn’t matter, nor did the extra block I would have to walk in the cold to meet up with them. I wanted to be there whether it was for four events or twelve.

It was on the way home that I realized something had changed in my life. I spent most of the two hour drive home letting my thoughts wander about the weekend and about other things. What was different was that I now realized I had found something that had been missing my whole life. Something that until I met these two ladies, I never had grasped. I came to the realization that I had just come head on with something that my parents must have experienced when I was a kid. Something that I would have had no way of even guessing would affect me the way it did.

You see, what I realized was that I was feeling was that feeling of being proud of your kids for doing their best. No, there was more to it than that. I had allowed this young lady to take up residence in my heart. I was a part of her life when she was happy, when she was sad, when she dead tired and grumpy or when she was mad at Mom for one reason or another. I wasn’t just there as an outsider who happened to be in the room. I was a part of her life.

I began to see why my parents made such valiant efforts to come to things I was involved in at school. Heck, they still do it. I helped with the sound for a musical over the past two weekends. They made sure they came to it. They didn’t come out of some sense of duty that they had to show up. They came because I was involved in it. They were proud to be there, whether it was something they enjoyed doing or not.

Even though this young lady isn’t my daughter, she and her mom have given me a gift greater than any I could have ever asked for. I’ve learned, even if it’s only a tiny, microscopic smidgen, what it is like to be a parent. They filled a place in my heart that I didn’t even know existed. I know there is a whole lot more to being a parent than this one little part. I wouldn’t dare claim there wasn’t. But it is nice to feel that feeling. I don’t know if I would call it pride. There is pride involved. I can’t describe what it is. It’s a connection, for lack of better explanation. When they hurt, so do you. When they are happy, you are too. I don’t have the right words to do it justice. If you have kids, you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, I hope you get the chance to share in the life of a child to the point where you understand.

At my age, I don’t know if I’ll have a child of my own. Only time can answer that. I do know that I have been given an opportunity that I will cherish the rest of my life thanks to a young ice skater that melted her way into my heart.

~Cappy, Big C

Roller Coaster Ride of Life

Posted by Cappy on March 7, 2010
Posted in: Life. Leave a Comment

poltergeist-six-flags-7There are times in everyone’s life… Well, Ok… in my life where I feel like I’m on a roller coaster in the dark. This week has been one of those times. You know how they go…

You board the ride with a good idea of what the track is supposed to look like or what the ride is all about, hoping for the thrill of a life time.

As you coast out through the first tunnel, the darkness takes hold and you begin to question the sanity of boarding the ride. The first hill brings anticipation. Up … Up… Up! Your mind races between “This is going to be the best decision I’ve ever made!” to “Oh, Crap!!!” because you know there’s a big drop up ahead looming closer and closer in the darkness . You can’t see just where.
The big hills bring exhilaration, but they also bring terror. You plunge downward into the unknown. Your heart racing as your brain tries to pinpoint subtle signs in the dark. Some glimmer that might give you a hint of whether this is going to feed you on to the top of the next big hill or send you crashing to your doom on the unseen ground below.

Then there are the twisty, loopy bits of track. They toss and turn you until you have no bearing of which way is up. These are the times you really question each turn and bump as it comes at you. You don’t know what they’ll be, but you know there coming.

Ahhh yes! The braking strip is next. This is your defining moment. Was this ride worth it? Was it what you thought it would be? Sometimes the braking strips are gentle but more often they are surprisingly abrupt, throwing you up against the restraints. If the ride has been good, they elicit laughter and applause. Bad ride and they drive home the pain and disappointment of the experience.

As I coast into the station of this past week, I take each portion of track one at a time through my mind’s eye. Individually, there were parts that were absolutely terrible. Other parts that I thought would suck, were pretty good. As I put them all together, they become one whole experience.

This is what I call the roller coaster of life. Individual events bring me down, lift me up, throw me for a loop, batter and bruise me. Take any one section of track in turn and I might say my life sucks or it’s great. Put them all together and they become the fabric of who I am… Who you are. The great thing is …. This roller coaster is never finished. It changes and grows as we do. It lives on long after we’re gone in the people who we share are lives with.

This week wasn’t the best ride. It wasn’t the worst either. I look forward to getting on the train again and heading off to see what changes have been made this time.

Enjoy the ride—

~Cap

Vacation was a ‘Fort’Night too short…

Posted by Cappy on July 26, 2009
Posted in: Journal. Leave a Comment
Well… Vacation is over and done with. Tomorrow I go back to work.

I must say that the weekend has been very relaxing. I went out to Perrysburg Ohio to Fort Meigs for this years “Drums Along the Maumee” event. Old friends that I met on Yahoo Chat are involved in a Drum and Fife group that was participating in the event. You may have seen my pictures already. If not, they are posted in my photo album.

I like to take in events that involve music or history. This one had both. The Fort was built during the War of 1812 to stop the British from using the Maumee River to supply their strong holds in what is now Detroit. A museum on site shows many relics that were found during archeological digs on the site. There are many story boards throughout the block houses and museum that depict the tales of daily life in the fort. Most of these boards use the soldiers own words taken from their journals and diaries.

The main reason for going to the fort was to hear the drum and fife corps play and meet up with Cathy and Jerry and their kids. There were four different corps in attendance ranging in size from 4 to around 15 or so musicians. Unlike marching bands you may see at your local highschool or college, these groups adhere to period playing styles and instruments. They also wear period based costumes.

The Voyageurs Ancient Fife and Drum Corps, which Cathy and Jerry’s kids are a part of, was easily the best group of the weekend. Not to take away from the other groups, but a couple of things stood out in the Voyageurs’ performances. The Voyageurs had an Em Cee (Jerry is taking over this post in the near future), who basically introduced the group and gave a short discription of how the group came about and what they represented. The show was then turned over to the Drum Major, who ran the corp through their musical selections. The Voyageurs changed formation several times during their set and also ended with a switch back routine to do an about face and leave the field. Their playing was also more accurate than the other groups.

1st Michigan Drum and Fife Corps provided an equally appealing musical performance, but their director gave too much historical prattle in between selections. These historic tidbits took away from the performance. The musicians broke parade rest and began talking among themselves during these vocal embellishments, which seemed to lengthen as the day went on.

I give all the groups a great deal of credit. They are playing historically accurate music on equally historic instruments. The requirements of being in the crops require memorizing a multitude of songs. So many songs in fact, that after the groups finished their afternoon performances, they assembled as a Mass Band and played several selections like they had been practicing together for years. After they were dismissed, the groups mingled on the field to have a little jam session.

There wasn’t much of a crowd on hand, so there was ample time to hang out with the corps and walk around the fort. I enjoyed not having the hustle and bustle associated with amusement parks or county fairs.

I hung out at the fort with Cathy and Jerry till about 11 pm on Saturday night. The musicians spend alot of time together since they all were either camped in the blockhouses or staying in the conference center of the museum. They continued to have jam sessions on and off throughout the evening. Hearing some of the stories of past events and upcoming prospects for members made for an entertaining evening. This reminded me alot of some of the sound gigs I’ve done throughout the years. There are bonds you build participating in things of this nature. Friendships that last years and span great distances.

All and all, it was a pretty good vacation, definately a great weekend, to be sure. I’ll go back to work in the morning humming little fife ditties in my head.

The Voyageurs Ancient Fife and Drum Corp