Journal

Ghost Rider – Travels On The Healing Road (A Travel Log by Neil Peart)

Posted by Cappy on June 22, 2012
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Taken from Neil Peart’s Ghost Rider Travels of the Healing Road Chapter One.

 I have been reading this book for the couple of weeks or so.  I bought it because it is a book about one man’s lonely journey into the world of dealing with massive grief.  Neil Peart, world recognized as one of, if not the best drummers of this era, loses his daughter then his wife within 10 months.  He takes off on his motorcycle in an effort to find what he has lost.  As a RUSH fan, I thought it would be interesting to read how someone of such a celebrity stature dealt with such a loss.

I too have had my share of grief over the last two years.  The third anniversary of Mom’s passing is coming up soon.  Memory’s of that day still haunt my mind clearly.  The phone call from Dad as I got ready for work.  I remember hearing my self say over and over “hold on Dad… I’m coming… I’m coming”  The two blocks between my house and their’s seemed to take forever even though I’m very certain that my truck was moving at well over the posted speed limit on that morning.  I walked in the house.  She was in Dad’s chair… motionless… silent as though she had just slept away.  I tried hard to keep my composer… Calling 911…  Dealing with the police and ambulance folks.  It was something I had worked hard to prepare myself for but had hoped that day would never come.  No matter how hard you prepare, you’re never really ready.  Neil note’s in the book at first he feels like something has taken away all that he is.  He is not ‘that guy’ anymore.  I don’t know if I felt quite like that but I did feel like there was this empty blackness within my chest trying to swallow any semblance of happiness I might have had.

I guess I bought this book for a couple of reasons.  Firstly, This year has been alot tougher than I thought it would be.  My mind told me that the first year would be the hardest.  It was hard, but there was so much going on… so much to do to resolve everything.  This year things have settled into normalcy.  There are days when I suddenly flash to thoughts of Mom.  Things we’ve done… Hoped to do… Will now never do.  Neil notes that experts say the second year of grief is always the hardest.  I would have to agree at this point.

Another reason I bought the book was because of the motorcycle connection.  The bike I bought last summer has been one of my greatest escapes.  I can see why someone with that kind of financial stability would just up and ride off.  There are times that I even have thought “Why don’t I just get on the bike and run from this place?  Run until the money runs out.”  (Heh… Probably wouldn’t get far.)

Mom really didn’t want me to have a motorcycle.  She had a fit when I bought the first ATV.  She didn’t think the bank would finance me.  She was taken by surprise when they did.. with no problem.  I told myself that I wouldn’t buy a bike while she lived unless he gave me her blessing.

 Early last summer, I knew I had to do something to get out of the hole that was consuming me.  Disney!  My first step was the Disney Vacation I allowed myself to take.  The whole thing went on the credit card and I spent more than I had planned, but that didn’t matter.  I went by myself and had a blast.  The next goal I set was to at least get my motorcycle license and hopefully, in time, a bike.  That all fell into place as the summer wound down.  To this day, I will not ride the bike up to the cemetery.

The cemetery… Another struggle I have.  I find it very difficult to go there.  Some folks seem to gravitate to their loved one’s final resting place.  I can’t.  Mom once said, while visiting my Grandpa’s grave “He’s not there. I know he’s not there.”  I know what she was talking about now.  Her faith was strong even at the lowest points in her battle with that beast we call Cancer.  Her body may be interred in that place, but her soul is sitting with Jesus in the thrown room.  There is not a time I go up there that I feel like such a terrible person.  When Mom was at her worst, I prayed that if God saw fit he would either heal her or take her home.  I didn’t want to see her suffer any more.  I still feel like sometimes I’m to blame for giving up on her.

I guess I hoped to find some relief in Neil’s writings, some little tidbit that would help in my struggle.  There definitely were similarities in the pain and anger of grief.  Time will heal with the help of friends both old and new.  Just like Neil’s journey, I’m sure my “Healing road” has many turns left to negotiate.  I know I’ve probably babbled this all before.  It keeps coming back to haunt me.  One day I guess I’ll see the reason for it all and it will all make some sort of sense.  Maybe it won’t.  Until then, I’ll keep babbling and doing what needs to be done day to day.

Tomorrow is Friday.  It will be a boring day at work because most everybody will be out thanks to our forced vacation policy that went into effect this month.  Maybe I’ll take my lunch out of the office just to be different.  You know.. break the dull routine.  What does that have to do with the rest of the post?  Not a clue.  I guess I’m tired.  Time give Tink her nightly ‘scratches’ and lay my head to rest.

Sleep tight.

~Cappy

Not much of interest …

Posted by Cappy on June 21, 2012
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The last few days haven’t been that interesting, to be honest. I have been fighting with a head cold that I thought was alergies to start. It went into my ears so I’m pretty sure the allergy theory is shot to pieces.

The weather is warm. A little too warm when you’re just loafing around outside… or worse… trying to do some work. It isn’t too bad on the bike though. The temperature is usually several degrees cooler and the air blowing over you keeps the sweat down. Can’t imagine what it’s like to ride through the regions out west where it stays in the tripple digits. Probably feels like riding in an oven.

I’ve been reading “Ghost Rider – Travels on the Healing Road” by Neil Peart. There are many similarities in the path grief has taken in our lives. I don’t know how he made it through losing his daughter and wife in 10 months. I recognize many of the feelings… or sometimes lack of feelings.

I have vacation coming up the week of July 2nd – 6th. I’ve been giving thought to taking the bike on a ride. Maybe spend a day or three out and about. The jury is still out on that one yet. I’m not sure I’m ready for it.

Tink gave me a scare on Tuesday. I came home to find her laying on the bed, lethargic and fairly disinterested in me. She usually comes running when I come home then heads to the bed for a scratch or two. I petted her for a bit but she didn’t purr or respond in her normal methods. She laid on her side and washed her right ear for about 5 minutes. I don’t know whether her ear was bothering her or she was just having a bad day. I guess even cats have those. She seemed fine later in the evening and was completely back to herself yesterday and this morning.

I’ll keep digging around the travel sites for interesting stuff to do during my time off. I don’t really need to go anywhere. Just being out of the dungeon will be a nice change. My thoughts take me out to the Lancaster area for a few days. Lots of train related stuff out there, as well as, Hershey and the Sight & Sound Theater. Still thinking about it.

Maybe I’ll have something more adventureous to post later.

~Cappy

The Comings and Goings of Life

Posted by Cappy on June 14, 2012
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This will be the first installment of what some might call a daily (hopefully) journal.

Today memories play havoc with my emotions.  One of the employees here at work has been fighting cancer.  He needed a marrow transplant to help deal with this dreaded disease.  The doctors finally found a match and he was able to have the procedure.  Unfortunately, he has now contracted a rather nasty infection and is not doing well.  The whole building seems to be in a quiet state… watching… hoping… waiting… praying.

Thoughts of Nathan’s struggle bring back some of the memories of Mom’s struggle with Cancer.  The treatments that are available can be extremely powerful.  Powerful enough that sometimes the treatment stresses the body more than the disease.  When these treatments work, those stresses are often short lived and go away with time.  If the treatments don’t do what they are meant to, it loads that much more stress on the individual.  I think of what Nate’s family are feeling now as they provide all the support they can muster.  There is a feeling of helplessness.  You can even feel it here in the people who know Nate.  I silently pray that his body is strong enough to overcome the infection so that his wife and little boy don’ t have to go through the seemingly endless darkness that follows the death of a loved one who is so close.

Its coming up on 3 years since Mom passed away from this dreadful disease.  You learn to live with loss but things change.  You change.  I am about to finish up Neil Peart’s book “Ghost Rider  Travels on The Healing Road”.  This is the second ‘travelling book’ that I have read where the person sets off on a journey to try and justify their loss.  The Ghost Rider (Neil Peart, Drummer for RUSH) sets out on a motorcycle journey after losing his daughter and wife within a year’s time.  As a RUSH fan, and a motorocycle rider, I thought maybe there might be something I could draw from his writings.  He often refers to his journey as trying to sooth his “Little baby soul”.  Along the way, he finds that life keeps taking from him.  His travelling companion ends up in jail before they are suppose to meet up on the journey.  Neil’s dog has to be put down.  He feels that so many things have been taken from him that he is no longer the person he once was.  He loses his drive to drum or work.  He heads of on his motorcycle with no destination in mind.  He dubs himself “The Ghost Rider” because he seems to be carrying only ghosts with him on the journey.

The loss of self when a loved one dies isn’t something you can explain easily.  I felt that there was a large dark hole starting to consume me for a long time after Mom passed.  Still at times the darkness comes back as I see reminders of things she enjoyed or places we’ve been, or in today’s case: Nate’s struggle.  As time passes, Neil discovers that the different things that happen begin to help him deal with his losses.  He coins the name “The Healing Road”.  We all have our Healing Road that we have to travel.  It isn’t always easy.  As a matter of fact, sometimes its down right dangerous.  We find our selves in stuck in the mud, sliding on ice, alone in the desert in the darkness. 

My motorcycle has been a lifeline for me these past few months.  Mom hated the thought of me riding a street bike.  She’s probably rolling in her grave every time I get on the thing.  I find it relaxing.  Riding requires a certain concentration whether the rider admits it or not.  Its not quite like driving a car or truck.  Your senses are over run by things you never really notice in a car.  Wind, rain, temperature changes, smells, all come at you much faster on a bike as you have little between you and nature.  Drive past a dead skunk on the road on a bike and you’ll quickly know what I mean.  Add in all the crazy drivers out to kill you as you ride and you have something that requires your attention at all times. 

You are probably wondering how I find all of ‘that’ relaxing.  All of ‘that’ draws my mind away from all the things that weigh me down emotionally.  I am forced to keep my eyes on the road.  My ‘Rider Radar’ (as they call it in the motorcycle safety course) becomes focused on what is going on around me.  Where are the potholes?  Watch out for that loose gravel!  HEY LADY! GET OFF THE PHONE AND PAY ATTENTION!  Man… That’s a heck of  a wind gust! CRAP! Missed a gear.  Uh Oh… It’s starting to sprinkle.  No time for thoughts of how sucky work was today or the house needing swept up.

Today, work is getting me down.  All the other issues such as Nate are adding to it.  My stupid back has been paining me a lot the last few days.  I keep plugging along.  “Just take one thing at a time” I tell myself.  Maybe this journal idea will help. 

~Back to the grind I go~

 

Update 1:47  pm

Nate passed away at 12:27 pm.  Lord take him in your loving embrace.  Let his family know your comforting touch.

The Mental Struggle of the Knee

Posted by Cappy on February 20, 2012
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Over the last several months, I’ve watched my dad’s knees fail him.  It started with one knee then the other to the point where he walked with a cane.  During the early onset of the knee issues, he wouldn’t get them fixed.  I assumed that it was because he didn’t want me to have to take care of both he and Mom, who at the time was battling agressive cancer. While that assumption was somewhat correct, it was also somewhat flawed.

I have learned a few things from watching Dad’s recovery as well as from comments he has made since having the surgery completed.  The challenge of having the knees fixed was not only physical.  It was also very much mental.  Some of the mental challenges are things you might think of;  not wanting to deal with the pain, being laid up for a few weeks, or depending on someone else to get by day to day.  There were other things though that I really hadn’t thought about. 

He mentioned the other day that his knees were ready to be fixed but he wasn’t ready.  He has said a couple of interesting things.  He wasn’t so much worried about the pain as he was that the artificial knee wouldn’t ‘feel’ like a normal knee.  It might feel foriegn.  He has been surprised, as have his nurses and therapists, at the lack of pain in the knee that was replaced.  He actually complains more about pain in the left knee which remains to be fixed.  He has been quick to point out to the nurses and doctors that he is ready to have the left one fixed as well.  The surgery was much more tolerable than he thought it would be as far as the knee pain goes.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that he is much more concerned now about his bad knee giving out.  I watched him many times in the past few months practically crawl up the stairs.  He had come up with ways to get his laundry up and down to the basement without my help.  Now though, He is very cautious of the stairs.  Today, the therapist took him clear up and back down.  He seemed to do very well compared to when both knees were bad.  He told me at lunch that he wasn’t going to go up and down the steps yet without someone around.  He looks physically capable, especially when compared to when both knees were bad.  Mentally, though, today was a challenge he had to conquer.  Next will probably be getting him in and out of the shower.  Stepping up over the side of the tub will be a new trick.

The mental challenges seem to far outweigh the actual physical challenges.  He didn’t really want to go to the Transitional Care Center for another week in the hospital.  When he got there, he was glad he was there. They helped him figure out how to do little things we would normally take for granted.  It also meant someone was there around the clock.  He did get sick while he was in the hospital.  It was a relief to me to have the nurses there to help.  In the end, he commented how much better he felt having that extra time to get his strength back in his knee.  He says at first it felt like it had a lead weight put in it.

Even getting out of chairs or off the toilet has required more mental effort than most would think.  I raised his recliner so he could get out of it fairly easily.  The hospital gave him a toilet extender to help with the height of the seat there.  The kitchen chairs are a bit of a challenge.  He has to mentally prepare himself to get up.  I don’t think its because it hurts as much as it is that he doesn’t have the strength built up in his leg to help lift his body.  He has a bad shoulder as well, so he sometimes sits at the table for a few minutes contemplating which way to get up.  He figures it out, but then again, he’s been having to figure out how to do things with bad legs for the last couple years.

I’m glad that he is ready to have the other knee done as soon as the docs say he is ready.  Watching him walk in the hall today without use of his cane or walker was hopefully a small glimpse of where he will be come Fall when both knees are done.  He will be on his walker probably until he gets the second knee done.  He should have been on one long before now but he got around as well as he could with his cane.  I know he now looks forward to the day when he can walk out to the swing in the yard or walk around the neighborhood again.  That was something he really enjoyed.  The birds will be happy too.  Their feeders will be full again.  He has his mind set on getting the other knee done.  He will push himself through it.  He will find a way to overcome the physical as well as the mental obstructions. 

He was concerned about me using my vacation time to take care of him (another mental challenge).  I told him not to worry abou that.  He needed to get his legs fixed.  That was much more important than me going on vacation somewhere.  Fortunately, my job allows me to work from home so I really haven’t used that much time.  I look forward the day he walks on two good knees. 

Thanks to all the friends, neighbors and relatives that have been very supportive throughout the first round.  Your support is greatly appreciated.

~Cappy

Depression

Posted by Cappy on August 26, 2011
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Depression
As I look back on the past year or so, I think about how Depression ruled my life. Depression is an ugly thing that can create emotional and physical fatigue. After Mom died last July, things were all out of kilter. I hated myself for the way I felt the last few weeks she lived. Selfishly, I wanted her suffering to be over. I didn’t realize how much it hurt me to see her sick until those final days when all she could do was sit in the chair and sleep. Why do we take people in our lives for granted until we realize they soon won’t be with us.
I had started tracking my calories a couple years ago. I was surprised that I was able to drop from 348 pounds down to 275. I didn’t feel that great at 275 because my sugar hadn’t yet stabilized. It slowly would have, had I been able to stay at that weight. As the Depression took over my life, I lost the will to follow the simple steps of tracking what I ate. In the end, I gained a lot of the weight back. Why? Just not watching what I ate. The loss had been fairly easy. A couple pounds a week just by keeping track of what I was eating and matching that to the calories I should need. When you stop making that match of what you are putting in to what you actually need, you over eat without even thinking about it. Depression also makes you eat. Combine the lack of desire to bother with doing a couple minutes of tracking a meal and feeling like I’m hungry or eating because I was bored and there you have it.
This past month things have been improving in my life. I made a decision back in April that I would do some things that I have always wanted to do but had put off for one reason or another. Item #1: I went to Disney World and stayed on property. I went by myself, but that was ok. I planned out what I wanted to do in each of the parks and managed to do all of it and then some. Item #2: I have always wanted to by a street legal motorcycle and get my license. I began looking for a bike back in April as well. I knew that I wanted either a bike that sat fairly upright or a cruiser that had a sitting position my back would tolerate. I was a little disappointed because I could find bikes I liked, but they were hugely expensive.
Months passed and I still hadn’t found a bike. I finally decided to get my permit and take the riders safety course whether I had a bike or not. Around the same time, a friend stopped to talk to me at the racetrack. We talked about bikes and I mentioned wanting one and getting my permit. He told me he had 2 for sale. I knew these bikes he had. They were exactly what I was looking for. He had a 700 and an 1100. I was leaning towards the bigger bike, just because I’m a bigger person. We got together one evening and I checked out the bikes. The 700 was just a tad small for my long legs. We talked price and he gave me what I thought was a really good deal. Needless to say, I now own a Honda V65 Magna.
Part of the challenge of buying a used bike is getting it to way you want it. The bike started and ran well. It did have a few oil and gas leaks, but its 26 years old and had sat in the garage the last couple years. Nothing I hadn’t expected. I began to work on the bike, as I took the riding classes. Working on the bike provided me with a distraction that kept me from sitting on the couch, watching TV and munching snacks. Last night Bob, his wife and I took a nice ride. I still have a small oil leak to fix on the back side of the engine, but nothing that will stop me from riding.
Last Monday, I decided that I was going to start tracking my calories again. I went back to Livestrong.com and began to rebuild my profile. I have already lost 5 pounds. When you are depressed you don’t even realize you are eating 1500 or more calories than your body really needs. I killed off the extra helpings at dinner, the extra snacks at work and resumed eating decent lunches instead of the pizza buffet or McDonalds. Don’t get me wrong, I still love pizza, but now I eat it as a treat now and again instead of pigging out. I hope the motorcycle and other distractions that I’ve been playing with lately keep me on the upswing. It would be really nice to not feel like I have a black cloud draped over my insides all the time.
That’s all I have for now. If you feel depressed, find something to occupy your time. Maybe something you wanted to do but just hadn’t set your mind to.. . or maybe you didn’t think you could. You might surprise yourself.

Money doesn’t grow on trees…

Posted by Cappy on May 27, 2011
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The Money Tree Bank

I am waiting for science to biologically engineer a Money Tree. Wouldn’t that be the greatest. A small tree that sits in a pot on the table which blooms 10’s, 20’s or 100’s. Blooming season would be about two weeks out of every month. I would be more than satisfied with even one week a month of 100’s.

There is this guy named Bill that seems to show up every month. He is a greedy son of a gun. He seems to like to drain our paychecks as quickly as we get them. I bet if we did have such a biological wonder as a money tree, Bill would find some way to steal the money right from the branches.

I laugh at these folks who have all these fancy, high paying jobs, yet have no clue how to manage their money. They end up broke living out of their cars.. If their cars aren’t repossesed. I’ve never wanted to be that rich. I have no desire to buy a multimillion dollar house and yacht. Just give me enough to pay the bills. Go on vacation once in a while and maybe buy a couple toys to play with. I’d be more than happy.

Vacation is coming up soon. I’ve been asked to go to North Carolina to partake in a birthday celebration. Unfortunately, I had already scheduled my vacation and Bill has seen fit to limit my funds to one trip this year. I hope the birthday girl has a great day.

Driving for Dummies…

Posted by Cappy on October 20, 2010
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I’m not bragging that I’m the world’s best driver, but when it comes to watching some of these folks on the road lately… I’m pretty darn good. I learned early in my driving life that you can’t drive looking right in front of your vehicle. You watch a good way ahead of you so that you can catch changes in traffic and adjust before you are on top of them.

I get a good laugh at times as I drive home from work. Yesterday’s humor came from a guy in a little convertible Mazda sports car. This idiot, obviously never learned the above lesson.

Here is how things played out:

I was in the right lane. Up ahead, 2 tractor trailers were making their way up a long hill. I surmised that if I stayed in my lane, the truck in the right lane would clear the one in the left and I could hold my speed. My peripheral vision caught movement in my rear view mirror. Mr. Mazda was quickly gaining on me. He blew by me in the left lane. I knew he was going to have to switch lanes to clear the truck creeping up the hill in his lane. I am not sure whether Mr. Mazda assumed that the truck would drop back to the right lane or he was too busy talking on his cell phone to notice he was coming up fast on the truck. He was forced to jam on the brakes to keep from becoming part of the trailer. I let out a maniacal chuckle as I passed both he and the truck without so much as adjusting my cruise control. The truck driver decided to change back to the right lane just as Mr. Mazda swerved right to go around him. Last I saw of Mr. Mazda in my rear view mirror, his hands were waving in the air and making rather rudimentary gestures at the truck driver. I believe he was using some ancient form of sign language to demonstrate his I.Q.

The moral of this story is… Just because you have a fast car and are going fast, doesn’t mean you are going to get there before everyone else. Your inefficient skills and erratic driving are not only wasting fuel, but likely to get you held up by traffic, the police or worse… the coroner.

Dealing with things such as they are…

Posted by Cappy on August 7, 2010
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My emotions are spinning right now. Since Mom passed away, my stomach has been tied in knots and I haven’t been able to focus my thoughts on any one specific task. I did ok ‘til the other night as things settled down. Sadness started to creep in driven by a realization that Mom won’t be at the house when I go up anymore. Anger too crossed my mind. How many times had I done things that I know had disappointed her? Did I say “I love you” enough?
I have a gal in my life that I had hoped would become more than just a friend. We tried, but the closer we got the more we realized our differences. She and I had a long talk tonight. Tears ran down my face, as I sat in a dark parking lot out by the lake. Even though it didn’t work out as I had hoped and it never will. I value her friendship and the closeness we were able to achieve. I know I had her confused as we talked tonight. My brain has been going so many directions. I’m not sure I even can keep it straight.
For a long time, I’ve wondered if I’d ever get married and have kids. It’s been a hurtful subject to me because I’m it, the end of the line. Something the doctor mentioned when we took Mom to Hillman Cancer Center two weeks before she died really struck a nerve. The doctor said “If you have any special plans… anniversary parties, weddings…” He began to say plans to have children but then added something like “..well you can’t really make that go any faster.” My heart sank to the basement. Mom would never see her grandchildren, me getting married or any of that. Anger once again creeps in. Why have I not been more outgoing in my relationships or search for one? Why have I wasted my life? For what… to be alone? To fulfill my greatest fear that I will die at a young age like my uncle who shared my birthday and whom my middle name came from. I don’t want that but it seems more and more that through my own actions or lack thereof, I will die alone with this worthless feeling in my heart.
I battled depression hard when I lost my grandma (Mom’s mom). I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t ask for help. I shed tears and fought the anger and fatigue all on my own. I went through the same unsettled thought processes then. I tried to prepare myself for Mom’s passing. I knew that day would come because of her Cancer. I fortified myself with all the knowledge that the books say will help you get through rough times. I spent hours of sleepless nights staring off into the darkness convincing myself that because I knew the day would come, I could be strong and not go through these dark valleys again. Once again, my misguided self slams hard into a brick wall.
I have a friend staying with me for a while. He is, as Mom frequently would tell people, “My adopted brother”. I know he must think I’m upset with him right now. I feel like I’ve acted that way. I don’t mean to be. Little things that once would not be a problem for me tweak at my nerves. I probably would have been interested in the movie he had on tonight, but I felt like smashing the tv and yelling at him instead. I didn’t. I chose to go for a drive instead. I don’t want to be angry with anyone. I hope they all understand that I’m having a hard time with things right now. I apologize.
I don’t know why I feel most comfortable when I’m alone. I always have. Right now, alone is the last place I need to be. It strikes up too many thoughts of things I’ve put aside or missed out on in my life.. I look at friends and see them struggle to pay bills the bills because they’ve got a family to feed. How many times these past several weeks I’d have gladly been in the financial hole to have a wife and kids to come home to instead of the lonely thoughts trapped inside my head that keep me awake at night.

Thank you to all those across the internet and in my life who have stood by me through these past few weeks. I cherish you all. Forgive me if I’m out of sorts, get angry or I ramble. Time will mend my shattered mind. Until then, don’t be surprised to see more of these letters. It’s one of the ways I deal with what is eating at me inside. Many times I write them and destroy them without letting anyone see them. Those letters are usually the angry ones. Sometimes I just don’t know any other way of saying what is on my heart. Thanks again for being there.

~Curtis

Sometimes things just fall in place…

Posted by Cappy on July 30, 2010
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… or the Big Guy Upstairs makes them work out.

I have had a concern that things would be difficult when it came to the end of Mom’s fight with Cancer. She and Dad had talked informally about things, but nothing was in writing. In this day and age, everything has to be set in stone when you die. Nobody wants the liability if something isn’t carried out right.

Mom passed away Monday morning. I dreaded the call to 911 but I knew it had to be made and I knew dad did not have the strength to make it. I made the call. The dispatcher was courteous and kind. She didn’t push for any more information than what was necessary. If you’ve ever had to make a 911 call, you know that they can be pushy in trying to get the information they need. They often want you to stay on the line for your own safety as well as so they get immediate notification of a change in the situation. This lady got just the information she needed and said “We’ll make sure the right people are notified.” She hung up with me.

McGonigle Ambulance and two police cruisers arrived. I told them Mom did not want resuscitated but she had yet to build the official DNR order. The Ambulance crew called the doctor’s office and the funeral home where we wanted her to be. They politely took the EKG to confirm what we all already knew. It is required and they did their best to be considerate to us. They asked us to step out while they got her ready for transport. We were given time with her when she was ready. The officers asked only the questions they absolutely needed. No attitude was given. No one was in a hurry. They all made sure we felt comfortable. The first of my major concerns over the DNR had been softened. I know that sometimes without it, the crews can be forced to begin CPR. It never even came up.

While they were loading Mom into the ambulance to take her to the Funeral Home, I noticed one of Dad’s neighbors standing in her garage. She has been a very good friend of the family for all my years. I told Dad that I needed to walk over and tell her in person. She was very shaken. As she and I talked, her neighbor pulled in. Their family has also been close to us. I told her what had happened. We stood in the front yard as tears were shed. No one could believe it. Again, things had worked out perfectly. I didn’t have to go up to the house to find out if anyone was home. Their mother has her own health problems and I didn’t want to have to confront her with this kind of news without her daughters around.

The Funeral Director and Mom/Dad’s pastor both came to the house at the same time shortly after the ambulance delivered Mom to the Funeral Home. The Funeral Director has been friends with Mom/Dad since taking over the Funeral Home several years ago. He recounted some neat things Mom and he had gotten a chuckle over. Pastor stayed with us for a while. Their pastor said if we knew someone we would prefer to do the service, he understood. Dad and I both said, almost at the same time, “No.. Mom would have wanted you to do it.” She liked Pastor Chung from the day she met him. They had struggled long and hard about changing churches. When they finally made the move, they felt so at home. Mom was so happy they decided to move to this church. After the pastor left, Dad and I began the task of calling friends and relatives to let them know. My aunts and uncle showed up later to help with the task. You don’t realize how hard it is to think of all these folks until you have to do it through the fog of losing a loved one.

Monday afternoon we headed to the funeral home to make arrangements. My Aunts helped fill in some of the information Dad and I weren’t sure about. Earlier, Dad and I had picked out Mom’s clothes. Once again, what could have been a challenge was easy. We had one outfit picked out but continued looking. It didn’t feel right. Her skirt from her 25th Wedding Anniversary was hanging on the closet door. We agreed we should use that. We had to hunt a little bit to find the top to it, but we both agreed that it was the best choice. As we went to look at caskets, one particular one caught my eye as we rounded the corner. It was an earth tone color combination but the handles were what drew me to it. They had emblems of a cross emblazoned with rays of light coming out from it. In the lid, the material formed a cross. That was Mom, A ray of light for Christ. She didn’t have to shove her religion down your throat. You knew she loved Christ just by the way she acted and what she did. She enjoyed her walk with God and it showed. I didn’t say anything as the Funeral Director continued through the qualities and costs of the different boxes. I knew the one I would recommend when the time came. When the Funeral Director asked if any one particular design was better, Dad pointed to the one with the crosses and said that would be his choice. Again, a tough decision was made easy.

My aunts and uncle had agreed they would go home that evening to give us time to relax and unwind. Tuesday morning started out with a barrage of phone calls to Dad. We were to meet the caretaker at the cemetery around 10:30 am. Again, Mom and Dad had talked about getting lots but had never followed through doing it. When they started showing us the lots, one particular area caught my eye. There was one other area on the map that I wanted to see so we checked that out. That spot was too far from the road. Dad would have to trudge up the hill to get to it. Not a good thing with his bad knees. When asked which spot he preferred, Dad pointed out the same location I had chosen. I hadn’t said that’s the one I liked. As I looked at the grave markers around the lots we wanted, I saw names of families that I knew. Yes, this was the spot. Dad and I now have lots there beside Mom around people we know.

Dad and I went home from the cemetery to a quiet house. The phone never rang. The doorbell was silent. We both took a much needed nap. After the nap, we called the pastor to talk with him about the service. He came up and asked a few questions about what we wanted. He asked for a couple of Mom’s favorite scriptures. We couldn’t answer him. Mom had multiple Bibles and she had read them all cover to cover. We gave him a couple to look at and he picked out versus that were fitting. We asked if he wanted more and he replied that he had found some very appropriate things bookmarked or notated. Wow. That was quick. Again, things worked out easily. The Lord was very close as we made all these decisions. He made them clear and easy.

After Pastor left, Dad and I debated on what we would have for dinner. It wasn’t long before the doorbell rang. A lady they met at her garage sale brought a cabbage casserole and fresh lettuce and veggies from her garden. A long time family friend arrived with chicken and potatoes and desert. She sat for a while and talked about guilt she felt having survived breast cancer for these many years and mom had succumbed to it. We assured her that was something to feel blessed for, not guilty about. As she was getting ready to leave, her daughter showed up with Lasagna. We hadn’t had anything like that since this all started so we made short work of that. We have had such great neighbors and friends through all of this. We haven’t had to cook since the day Mom went into the hospital. Food and other things always seemed to show up when they were needed. My uncle has commented many times how great it is that our neighbors are so close, not just in proximity, but in friendship.

As I went into Wednesday, my nerves were shot. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to hold it together while I stood up there greeting people. I had stayed up into the wee hours of the morning wrestling together a slide show that I titled “Through the Years” as a tribute to Mom. It played throughout the day on Wednesday and Thursday. I was tired. My back was sore. How was I going to be strong for my Dad through this whole day? When people started filing into the funeral home, it became evident that Mom had touched many people. The line stretched out the door at one time. So much so, that the Funeral Director came over and asked if we could keep things short to accommodate everyone who came to pay respects. That was difficult because so many of them had uplifting stories about how Mom had touched their lives. Those stories gave me the strength to stand and laugh and smile as the day wore on. We closed the viewing at about 4:20 and went home to get a bight to eat and some rest.

The evening viewing proved just as daunting in numbers of people coming to pay respects. This time though, I wasn’t nervous. I enjoyed listening to how they knew Mom and felt comforted in the fact that she had touched so many. My friends and coworkers also came. Ron, my ‘adopted brother’ who lives in Kansas, drove in to help out. He stepped in wherever he was needed. He spent a lot of time with my family when we were in high school. I really appreciate him being here. The line flowed into one room and for the longest time snaked around past the slideshow so that we could get everybody in the door. People kept coming and coming and coming. We finally ended shortly after 9. We all came back to Dad’s to unwind. As we did, we discussed the number of folks that had come through that day.

Thursday again tested my nerves. This time, we wouldn’t just be viewing. We would be saying our goodbyes for the last time. I pulled out my laptop about 9 in the morning and checked my email. I ran it on battery because I had the cords wrapped up to take back to the funeral home. There was a message from Sherry there. She is in Boston with Camille at an ice skating competition. More than once she offered to stay behind and let her dad take Camille to Boston so that she could help my dad and I out. I can’t express what that means to me. She was on messenger so I shot her a text. She said she had already talked to her mom and if I needed her to, she’d get back here. I told her to please stay with Camille and the other kids from the club. We have lots of folks helping and providing things at this point and I wouldn’t even know what to ask her to help with. I know I’ll need a shoulder and some support as the days wane on. Her offer to help won’t go unanswered. We signed off so that she could go deal with the kids and I could finish getting ready to go get Dad.

Ron and I went and got breakfast for the three of us. My aunts and uncle were already up at the house when we got there. In the rush to leave, I put the laptop to sleep so I wouldn’t have to wait for the full restart time when we got to the funeral home. We ate while my aunts and uncle headed down to greet any early arrivals. When we arrived at the funeral home, I quickly set the slideshow up and went to greet people who were already coming in. They came… and they came… and they came… The Funeral Director ran back and forth putting up more and more chairs. The place was packed to the gills. Mom truly had touched a lot of folks.

The service began. I was tired and sore but a smile came to my face as Pastor recounted stories of how Mom had touched his life in the short time he’d known her. The sermon was perfect. I am so glad we let Pastor Chung do the service. He was the only choice. It was clear to me why Mom liked him so much. After the service, they asked us to remain seated while they ushered the visitors out row by row. It was hard to watch family friends and relatives pay the final respects. Soon it was our turn. I watched with tears welling in my eyes as my aunts said goodbye to their sister. Dad and I said our goodbyes together. I cried hard as I said “Goodbye Mom”. I touched her hand as we slowly turned and gathered ourselves to make the drive to the cemetery. The drive was tough on me as well. I have followed the hearse in other processions for my grandparents and other relatives, but this time it was for Mom. I knew things would soon be over.

The service at the cemetery was nice. There were no signs of the storms that moved through the area Wednesday night. The sky was a beautiful blue with white puffy clouds floating by in the soft breeze. The temperature was no longer hot and humid. The Lord blessed us with a beautiful day. The spray we got for the casket was so beautiful in the sun. Mom loved Pansies. They are out of season, but the Funeral Director had asked the florist about them. The florist found some really nice artificial Pansies and put them in the spray with Roses and other flowers. The family took the artificial Pansies home as an unending memento of Mom.

Before going over to the church for dinner, I packed up my laptop and monitor that had been running the slideshow in the funeral home. To my disbelief, It had been running that whole time on battery. I had forgotten to plug it in because so many people were already coming. Once again, God gave the battery enough life that it ran from a little after 9 am clear through just about 1 pm, with a short sleep in between home and the service.

The dinner was great. I sat with a schoolmate and her mom (who had Cancer surgery and radiation this past summer). The family was the last to leave. Typical of my bunch, they helped the church folks pack up the chairs and things even though they were told numerous times others would handle that. We went back to Dad’s with the family where they could talk and enjoy each other’s company. To be honest, Dad and I were both spent. He started drifting off to sleep in his chair even through the noise of his niece’s little girl playing loudly in the room behind his chair. I was so spent I almost felt physically sick. When everyone was gone, we both took a long nap. We had already agreed that we would go to Wendy’s for dinner, just for something different. Ron came back from his brother’s and even he took a nap. When we all got awake, we headed off to Wendy’s. Never thought fast food would taste so good.

I mention fast food because we haven’t had to go out to eat at all since Mom got sick. We went to Eat n Park the night Mom was admitted to the hospital. That was only because it was so late by the time we got Mom settled in at the hospital. Dad’s neighbors and our family friends have been beyond great since that Friday. They have been bringing in food every day, way more than the two of us can eat. We’ve been able to feed the army of visitors and relatives without question of needing more food. The neighbor kids have taken up mowing Dad’s grass. We had offers of help beyond count.

I know I will feel sad and lonely as things wind down this weekend, but there have been some really good moments in all this. I’m doing alright. Dad’s holding up well emotionally. His knees are another story. Maybe he can get them fixed now that he doesn’t have to care for Mom. Mom doesn’t have to worry about cancer anymore. She doesn’t have to hear the whine of that silly oxygen pump or be limited to as far as her oxygen tubing will reach. No more pain… No more shots or tests… No more wigs. I’m sure she looks down on us with a smile like only she can give. I know she would be happy with the way things went today. She can rest now. The long fight is over. God holds her hand now in everlasting peace.

I love you Mom.

Thoughts and things….

Posted by Cappy on July 22, 2010
Posted in: Journal. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

I sit here at work stressed out not wanting to do anything. Waves of sadness, anger, depression and fear wash over me from time to time as I think about where things stand in my life right now. I almost want to go lock myself in a dark room and shut out everything today. Everything is going wrong or at least that’s how it seems. Mom’s cancer catching up to her. Problems with my truck that were caused by an aftermarket dealer who should know what he’s doing. Work not being what I want. My relationship status is not where I’d hoped it could be.

Sadness…

Over the last five years or so I’ve watched Mom battle cancer. Most of the fight has been surprisingly better than expected. The aggressive cancer type she had pops up and gets beaten down by the chemo or radiation. It rears its ugly head somewhere else and we change treatments and move on. She has remained pretty active and has had realitively few bad side affects from the chemo. She gets tired, food changes flavor and she’s lost her hair more than once, but all in all its been a good fight. Two weeks ago today, she could not sleep laying down. That Friday, Dad took her to the emergency room not able to breathe well. Since then things have not looked good. The doctors all ask how long she’s been on oxygen. We tell them that it’s only been in the last two weeks and they look at us surprised. What do they know that we do not?

Anger…

I get angry easily these days. Angry at the stupidity of people. Angry at myself for not being better prepared. This anger shifts to Mom and Dad from time to time as it seems they just want to wait it out and not take action. I don’t want to put Mom through any more than she needs to do. It’s already been a long fight, but I don’t want to lose her either. There are legal things that need addressed so that she gets the treatments she wants or does not want. Every day we wait is one more day that she is less able to make her own choices. I was angry at the doctor in Pittsburgh for being so blunt about her prognosis. He was upset with Mom and Dad for not having discussed how things should progress as the cancer gained more ground. I understand that he has seen so many people come through his office unprepared for what is coming that he feels the need to emphasise just how import planning is. I get angry at my aunts for coming to ‘help’ with Mom and then tearing the house apart around her. It frustrates Mom and she doesn’t need that. I go home at night to my own house and shed tears because I’ve had to fight anger all day. Anger I know is missplaced and is hurting noone but me.

Depression…

I am most comfortable when I’m by myself. I don’t like to ask for help but will if necessary. I’ve fought depression for years. I’ve learned to look inside myself to find the strength to go on from day to day. Right now, however, I’m lost within my own soul. Friends and family stand beside me, doing their best to hold me up. While I appreciate their strength and love, I try to fight for the strength to hold on and be strong for Mom and Dad. I thought I’d probably not be able to sleep because of all the emotions spinning through my mind. I find myself falling into deep depression induced sleep as soon as I stop moving. I think of the future and realize there are things Mom has hoped to see happen in my life that she mostly won’t get to see. Things like my wedding day… Grandchildren… Hell.. I don’t even know if they’ll happen or not. Tears well up as I think of this. I don’t want to lose her!!!

Faith…

A lot of folks have asked me to speak with my pastor. I don’t have one any more. A pastor and church ‘family’ in my past has become a stumbling block to my faith. While I do believe whole heartedly that God exists and is in control of our lives, the Church itself has lost its importance in my life. I had my heart ripped out by people who were supposed to be the ones that loved me. It hurt Mom badly when I left the church. I know she shed tears over it. In time, they saw the changes I saw and now have moved to another church. I pray silently when I feel angry, sad and/or depressed that God will lift me up and will hold Mom close as she continues down whatever road He chooses to take her. I appreciate all those of you who are my friends whether only on the net or you are folks I’ve met and spend time with. If it weren’t for your thoughts and prayers, my faith would probably be completely gone.

Pain and Hurt…

It tore me up when my Grandparents (Mom’s parents) passed. They were an example of faith and strength in my life. Mom has had faith beyond measure that she would endure through the last five years. I know that she will have her place in Heaven with them. I watched as my Grandmother fought cancer and won, only to have demensia take her mind from her. As hard as it is for me to see Mom sick, I hope that she doesn’t have to go through that. It was hard on the whole family. Am I selfish to ask that if the Lord is going to take her, that he take her quickly and not let her suffer? It hurts me to think I would want to see her pass from her pain and suffering. I feel like such a terrible son at times.

Whatever comes these next few days.. weeks… months.. I will do my best to fight for her and help wherever I can.

Lord hold me up. Give me strength to keep going. Give me the inner peace to go on. Give Dad the strength and comfort that he requires to deal with all that this has brought. Most of all lift Mom up and hold her in your mercy that only you can provide.